Her Sorrow

      I stared at her over a bowl of leftover spaghetti as she chattered on, explaining her day, how the kids at school were being stupid, making fun of her. She drew the conversation out thirty minutes longer when she brought up homework. She didn’t see me almost fall asleep in my bowl.

      “Miss Keagan wants me to turn it in before the weekend, but she didn’t explain how I’m supposed to do it, and I’ve had such a long day. I know you covered this already, and I really need your help. Please. What do I do?”

      I shrugged, hoping she would leave me alone. I was so tired, so exhausted. I had had a double shift at my job, and I had just barely gotten home when she ran up to me and asked for help on her homework assignment. I really couldn’t help her. I could hardly help myself these days. Sleep. I needed sleep.

      “Please, please I need your help.”

      “Look babe, I’ve been at work all day, I really need to get to bed to wake up for class tomorrow.”

      College was a pain. I’d been trying to balance it with my full time job. It was rough, but I was making it. Barely.

      “Please Brittney.”

      I looked over her, and was shocked to see her crying. I was about to cry. She had no idea, no clue how tough it could be. She was being a baby.

      “Look, I’m going to bed. Please sweetie, I’m sorry, but I’m so tired. I’ll help you tomorrow.”

      “But it’s due by the weekend!”
      “Sweetie, you still have a few more days, you’ll be fine. Settle down, you can work on it later. I’m going to bed as soon as I'm done with my food.”

      We spent the rest of dinner time in silence. She was brooding, again, like she did yesterday, and the day before... I couldn't actually remember when she wasn't brooding, and sullen at the dinner table. She always seemed to be so happy, so sweet and bubbly before she sat down.. But then she sat down.

      I finished my food, not bothering to wash my dishes, and shuffled down the hall and into my bedroom. Pulling off my work clothes as I stumbled to the closet. So, so tired. Sleep. Please just let me sleep. I struggled into my pj’s, I’d shower tomorrow. I didn’t care how dirty I was anymore. I just wanted to go to bed.

      I rolled into bed, on top of my covers, breathing hard out of exhaustion. I closed my eyes.

Don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me.

      I couldn’t sleep.

      I’d been suffering from insomnia ever since the beginning of spring semester. I didn’t know what to do about it. I could be tired, worn out, worked near to death, it didn’t matter. I was too exhausted to sleep. Tears slipped quietly down my face.. I was just sick of not getting sleep. I needed it so bad. After an hour, slowly, slowly I started letting myself go…

      It was nearly one in the morning when I heard the knock at my door. Please no, I had just gotten to sleep. I looked towards the entrance to my bedroom, the threshold underneath lit by the light of the hallway outside. There, my eyes caught the small little envelope as it was slipped silently under the door. Immediately my head started ringing with alarm. Something was wrong, very wrong. I crept out of bed and quietly picked up the letter. I turned on the light as I unfolded it. Pacing the floor as I read. It was from her, my little baby sister.

 

      "Brittney, I didn’t know how to tell you this before. I know you’ll probably be mad at me, but please, please try to understand me. I’ve been really depressed lately, really depressed. And.. Please don’t be mad, I’ve been doing things, hurting myself. I feel so bad, but I want to die Brittney. I tried killing myself before you got home today. I really-"

 

      I choked, trying to comprehend why. I didn’t understand. I read through the rest of the letter, the letter that my baby sister. Why was this happening? Why now? Please, please God, help her. I tried thinking of what I should do, what she expected me to do. Nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for this. I stood, numbly walking to my door, out of my room and down the hall to hers. I grasped her doorknob and knocked, pleading to God in my head. Her answer was a quiet, muffled “Come in.”

      Opening the door, I saw her, sobbing in her bed, hugging her pillow. I forced back my tears. For her, I had to be strong for her. I was her big sister, coming to comfort her, to reassure her, I couldn’t cry. Not now.

      She turned her sweet, sad little face towards me, her mascara running along with the tears. I rushed over to her, pulled her up and hugged her. I didn’t know what else to do. She sobbed over my shoulder. She cried about how sorry she was, how she felt worthless, stupid. How she wanted so badly to be like me.. My heart ached as she said it, as she began bashing herself and idolizing me, idolizing her peers, idolizing everything but herself. She. Felt. Worthless.

      “Why?”

      “I don’t know!” She spluttered into my neck. “I - I’m just so upset. The kids at.. at school.. and I have so much to do!! And.. And Braden…”

      Of course it was him. Of course it was Braden.

      “What did he to this time baby?”
      “He just.. won’t stop shouting, won’t stop arguing! I can’t talk to him, he’ll just hit me, he’ll just yell at me more.” She sobbed, throwing herself back into her bed. I slowly sat down next to her, still trying to take it in.

      He wasn’t much older than her, not much younger than me. Our brother Braden. I’d learned to cope with his violent temper, sort of. I got by. But I wasn’t around him all day, like she was. I told her it’d be okay. It would be fine. I love her. What he said didn't matter, no matter what kind of things he told her, no matter how many times he threatened her, I'd be there for her. Why, why was this happening? My little, beautiful, happy, popular, bubbly baby sister. Why?

      “You want to show me?”

      She pulled back. She looked so confused. So upset. My poor, poor sister.

      “I- I won’t want to tomorrow..”

      I watched as she pulled up the cuff to her sleeve. She’d always worn long sleeves. I gasped as I found out why.

     I felt nauseous as I stared at the deep, large cuts in her arms. She almost needed stitches. They were so deep, and there were so, so many of them. How could she... " I choked back more tears. Wrapping my arms around her, I told her I loved her, so, so much. I’d help her get better, no matter what. I sat by her, just holding her. Holding her for hours and hours. I didn’t know what time it was when I finally let go. When I finally went back to my room and curled under my covers. I finally let the tears come. I cried and cried, turning over my pillow when it was too wet to sleep on. Not that I could sleep.

      That night, my family fell even further apart. Somehow, somehow I would help her through this. Somehow, I would recover. Maybe I was overreacting, but I felt like I would never be able to sleep again..

Author's Note

I know, another depressing story. Tell me what you think, and please, don't be harsh about the story itself. Just things I can fix..?

Reviews

[Steve]

Well done! You are skilled at the quoted conversation parts. Too many aren't. :0)

[A.Lee]

Wow... how heart-wrenching. You really delved deep and created a lot of emotion out of this. You even brought tears to my eyes by the end. The images were so vivid... Very well written.

[Chantel]

Oh. My. Goodness...this is amazing and very powerful. Definitely going in my favorites. Wow. You're writing has definitely improved, although I really liked the first story I read from you, this is still wayyy better, I love it, I'm kind of lost for words actually....wow....keep writing, you're so so sooo good!! :)

[Miss Coral]

The relationship and the characters were extremely vague in the beginning-- also, the switch from worry about school to suicide to abuse, and then back to abuse was kind of hastily done. I would take more time with it. The last line was great, but I feel like the end could be a bit more conclusive in some ways, while still leaving it wide open as you did. There were some phrases that were almost perfect, but not quite there. Perhaps some review and rephrasing could benefit it. Nice job though!

[Perdition]

Honestly I don't see that there is any thing to fix. This had me from the start and kept me teeth eyed through the end. I identified with all of it through your words and yet the only common ground for me was the insomnia. Wonderful~

[Julien]

Things to fix:
The beginning, I had difficultly with identies. I didn't know how old Brittany was and I didn't know their relationship. Initially I was thinking they were a couple. Then I thought it was a father and daughter (child). It was only the keyword 'babe' that made her older.
Other than this confusion, it was well written and well paced.

You are right about 'I know, another depressing story' :-), I've old just starting reading this site, and it seems to be a common theme. This is not a bad thing, but statistics alone I wonder whats happening to everyone.

Thank you for posting this.

[PadfootBlack]

Mmmm. This. Is. Amazing. Harshly realistic, yet somehow beautiful, it's a bit of a wake-up call. We need to start paying attention to other people's pain, despite how large our own seems. Great write.

[The Uncommon Muse]

I couldnt stop reading this once I started. Other than a few minor spelling errors...I think the only thing I'd want to see more is more foreshadowing of the baby sister's mental state...like maybe tugging on her sleeves while eating...or a hint at nervous behaviour...something....cos in a way it was a bit...whoa?....why is she thinking suicide?...she was just nattering away at dinner....thats my only thought.....I look forward to seeing where you go with this!

[Chellie]

This is such a strong story, because this happens to people. Once I started reading this story, I couldn't stop. It really makes me sit back and think about how my life is. Times are hard right now, but we could always be worse off. Great job. There were a few spelling errors, but that was about it. A quick read through should fix that. Other than that, the story was great.

It was heartbreaking, but made me feel happy at the same time. Happy because her sister is always there for her. How she cares so much for her sister. Also, I can relate to the insomnia thing. I feel like I never get to sleep.

Keep up the great writing.

[the_stoic]

how wonderfully you pen down the emotions .. this ain't depressing at all . this is the truth of life - it's full of strife . to hell with people who think that life is always good . maybe they just want to make a mockery of our problems . as always i loved reading your story . would love to read some lengthy ones from you .