Helplessly Captivated

5-9-13 Not great, especially cause I feel like it needs more.

Here I am, drawn to you again

The moment I think I’m ok

The moment I think I’ve moved on

 

How much longer till I forget

How much longer till this ceases

Till your image is no longer burnt into my mind

 

I’ve given you over

I’ve let go

I’ve prayed so much

 

Still my heart clings

Crawling back to you

Helplessly captivated

Reviews

[Steph]

This poem is really captivating and provokes such an after thought, even though the poem itself is quite a short one. You really captured the raw emotions, beautifully done.

[Jeremia]

Thank you. :)

[one sky]

It's not easy to forget the one you love. But don't forget that you must love yourself first before you others...for there's no one who will love you truly but yourself.

Nice presentation, J.

[Jeremia]

Thank you. :)
And yes, love must start with the realization of love within.

[Vria P Crow]

Dear Jeremia,

This was heartfelt, genuine, and saddening. "Helplessly Captivated" is concise yet it has the composition of a strong message.

Here is my favorite quote: "Till your image is no longer burnt into my mind"

I found this to be the potent line of captivation. Images of fantasy is hard to eliminate from the corridors of your mind.

The reader will relate to this universal poem since we have all experienced the despair of unrequited love.

[Jeremia]

Thank you very much for your feedback. It is valued highly. :) Thank you.

[Vria P Crow]

You are very welcome :)
Happy writing!

[Jeremia]

Same to you friend. Same to you.

[Riley Bray]

I agree with your thought on how it feels unfinished, but I think its a good start. It seems like you're grazing the tip of the iceberg, especially with your talents, but I think with a bit more effort I'll be able to see the feeling you mix with.

[Silhouette]

I think you've written this very well. You did a great job channeling your emotions into this. I still have some feelings for my ex, too but I'm really angry at what he'd done to me, as well. Overall, very good poem.

[Imara]

Beautifully written poem about not so much love the the lingering of love. How one tries to move on, and we sink into this world of falsehoods because we really think that we've moved on but the second we see that person our emotions are helplessly spurred again.

For this poem I would add more proper punctuation because you start the piece out with proper punctuation. Like in your second stanza a question mark at the end would do it.
Back to the work itself, I do not think that it needs anything more. You do a fine job expressing all the emotions here, and nothing is left unresolved, except for the raw emotion itself haha. If there is another idea you're try to express, or maybe a situation you're trying to show that would be the only reason to add to this. Other than that I think this is wonderful. Great Job :)

[Jeremia]

I haven't seen the person in a long time, yet still my emotions are strong. It bothers me so much. I don't understand it, due to everything that happens, I shouldn't care so much.

Punctuation is not my strong suit. Sometimes I mean for it to flow really fast therefore I do not put in punctuation, but idk about this one.
I think I more so just know that I have a lot of emotion built up inside and think that there should be more to this because of that. I wanted/think I should expand on the emotion. But yet, I think you are right, it does seem to express the emotion the way it is. lol Idk. I'm crazy.

[Imara]

Mm, I know how you feel there. I'm kind of in the same situation, funny how the heart and mind enjoys torturing us haha.

And the bright side about poetry is that you can do whatever you want with the punctuation really and it won't matter because it's poetry. Just read it out loud and add where you want a pause.
And you know this just means you need to write a story or another poem :D

[Jeremia]

So funny I want to cut them both out. lol

I'm working on like 3-4 other ones already. Maybe writing a story about it would help tho, rather than just doing poems.

[Imara]

Both are great expression. But each will express it in a certain way, stories you can communicate exactly how you feel more clearly without giving so much interpretation power to the reader while poetry is the opposite.

[Jeremia]

That depends on if I'm actually able to articulate exactly how I feel. lol that seems to be the difficulty right now.

[Imara]

Haha just do you're best and be honest. I know how you feel though. Like there is a lack of words to describe how you feel exactly in this language or in any other.