Chapter 1- Caius Ashfall

Chapter 1- Caius Ashfall

A Chapter by Cynical_Art

Chapter 1

 

Caius Ashfall

 

 

The rain fell like a judgment from God. God is crying, thought Caius. Most would call the rain a bad omen from God; if Charles believed in God, he’d call it a blessing. If God truly meant for the Fuhrer to pass his judgment then perhaps it was a blessing. The streets were drenched and the people were soaked, hiding under whatever sad excuse they deemed shelter. The rain was so loud you could scarcely hear the person next to you. Tonight, the only ones that would hear the Cruorians cry would be the ones passing the judgment.

The slums of Lumina had become the new home for the majority of Cruorians. The war had left most of Cruor destroyed to be recreated by the Fuhrer in Judicium’s light. Left without homes, the Cruorians were forced to move into Lumina, Judicium’s largest city. In the Fuhrer’s mercy, the Cruorians were given shelter and jobs enough to feed their families. It was a kindness the Fuhrer offered all the countries that fell to Judicium. Those who had just surrendered even got to keep their old homes. A shame the Cruorians didn’t see the folly in their fight.

Caius never cared much for Cruor or it’s people. Growing up, to him they were just another country to join to Judicium. Naturally he always stood by Judicium. It was his home and his blood. But this was different. What they were about to do no amount of rain could wash away. It was cold-blooded massacre. An unforgivable sin.

            The shelter was large but not sturdily built. Cracks on the walls could be seen and sheets were hung where doors used to be. Due to the rain Caius imagined it’d be even more crowded than usual inside. He had heard reports of Cruorians out in the streets forcing their way into the shelters for safety from the rain. The shelter Caius was in front of though had more guards than usual, along with fifty of Judicium’s Shadow, himself included. The chance of any Cruorian forcing his way in or out was slim to none.

            If one saw Caius, they would never assume he was anything but a random citizen. He was wearing a raggedy linen shirt, black dirty vest and frock coat, ripped trousers, and muddy leather boots. His outfit matched the territory. Beneath his coat however, was an entirely different story. He was carrying a dirk, two knives, and a revolver. A Shadow was always armed to cleanse the filth of Judicium.

The White Coats inside and outside the shelter were much more conspicuous. Unlike Judicium’s Shadow, rather than hide, they made it a point to be seen. They all wore the standard military uniform; a white calf-length frock coat with cuffs, yellow lining, brown vest, cream frilly cravat, and brown thigh-high leather boots, armed with a bayonet. The officers wore cream-colored mantles over their coats, armed with rapier and a revolver instead.

            As for the targets, they were easy enough to tell apart. Cruorians were distinctly known for their crimson irises and hair. Their style of dress was also very different from Judician fashion. Their clothes generally consisted of a lot of different fabrics and accessories. Even in chaos, you’d have to be demented and blind to accidently shoot a Judician in mistake for a Cruorian.

            Caius stood by his superior Charles in front of the shelter underneath the heavy rain, drenched. Charles was a large man, taller than Caius by half a foot. He had soft curly white-blonde hair up to his shoulders, a full beard without a mustache, icy almost grey blue eyes, and a scar that stretched from the corner of his left eye all the way down to his collarbone.

“How many will we kill today?” asked Caius.

            “If we’re lucky, all of them,” his Mentor replied coldly.

            Caius felt his stomach twist at the thought. “But not everyone inside is guilty of a crime. There are children there,” he blurted.

            “And women and elderly too. Once you’ve killed them all you realize they aren’t so different from one another. We’re all made of the same thing when it comes down to it.”

            Caius had always known Charles to be a ruthless man but he never thought him an unjustly cruel one. “Not everyone there is a member of Paradise Lost. Not everyone there is guilty of treason. How can we just go in and murder them all? We’ll be killing innocent people. Is this the justice of Judicium?” he argued, in feeble hope of some justification. What he really wanted to ask though was, is this God’s justice or was it the Fuhrer’s justice? But he knew better. Everyone knew Charles was not a man of God.

            Charles stared at Caius with his freezing cold eyes. “Judicium’s justice? You want to go in there and ask them one by one how many of them are part of the resistance? I’m sure the members of Paradise Lost are eager to confess. Then you could separate the innocent from the guilty. The Cruorians will call you a hero and praise you for killing their kin and maintaining their wondrous sheltered lives under the roof of the ones who destroyed their homes. Is that the sort of justice you had in mind?”

             Caius responded with the only pathetic answer he could think of. “No…”

            “In the Shadow, we’re killers is all we are. It’s how we keep order. It’s how we protect those we care about. That’s how we save lives.” He placed his hand on Caius’s shoulder. “It’s thanks to your efforts that this operation is going through today. Think of the good your doing instead of feeling guilty for these rebels. Judicium will be a better place after tonight.”

            Than why don’t I feel good about it?

            Charles noticed the conflicted look on Caius’s face. “There’s no need to feel ashamed or lost. There are only ever two sides to everything, Caius. Remember that. And in those two sides someone must always be on top. Despite whatever any fool might think Judicians and Cruorians will never coexist. No one ever enjoys being the one at the bottom. So when you look at those elderly, women, and children in the eyes before you shoot them, remember, they all want you dead just as bad.”

            Caius nodded in acknowledgment. “You’re right. I was just being naïve.”

            “Good. Now let’s put an end to this. Let’s see how much their prayers will help them tonight.”

            Caius and Charles made their way towards the shelter. At the door were two White Coats. Caius and Charles both opened their raggedy frock coats and showed their Judicium’s Shadow lockets. The lockets were ebony with the Judicium emblem imprinted on it, a sun with a crescent moon in front of it. The guards nodded and stepped out of the way.

            As they were entering one of the guards said, “Everyone is waiting on your shot for the signal, sir.”

            Charles replied, “There’s hardly a need for a signal. As long as they know who to kill when the fight begins.”

            Caius and Charles continued through a long cramped hallway and crossed through a pair of sheets that were substituting a door. When they passed through they laid eyes on the hundreds of Cruorian refugees. Cruorians of all ages were huddled up together, some drenched, some beaten, some with almost nothing to keep themselves warm with, some merely infants. Guards, killers, were stationed in every corner and exit way of the room, some amidst the crowds. The Cruorians outnumbered the guards ten to one, but the guards had weapons. Amongst the Cruorians, only those that belonged to Paradise Lost might have weapons, and how many those were was likely less than the number of guards. Not to mention, for any Cruorians lucky enough to get passed the guards, they would be killed by members of Judicium’s Shadow waiting outside undercover. The Cruorians had no hope. What we’re about to do cannot be forgiven by God.

            As Charles led the way towards the mass of Cruorians, Caius followed nervously in his shadow. Caius had killed before, but at least he was always certain of his target’s crimes. This was foreign to him. He’d never been in an operation this big. He’d never been asked to kill based on something as little as a hair color.

            BANGGG!!!!

            Caius was too trapped in his own thoughts to know who was the first to die when he heard the first shot. When he looked, he saw the smoke from Charles’s revolver and his gun still aimed at the corpse of a woman. Not three seconds after the first shot, the music of gunshots started harmonizing with the rain. Screams, screeches, shouting, and crying joined the music instantaneously. Cruorians ran in all directions, guards raised their guns and unsheathed their swords, Charles had a knife in a man’s eye with his arm outstretched over the man’s shoulder shooting at another, and Caius stood where he was, frozen.

            It wasn’t until Caius noticed a Cruorian charging at him with a stick that he reacted. He didn’t even realize when he unsheathed his dirk and sheathed it in the man’s heart. The warmth of the Cruorian’s blood sliding across his hand melted the ice around him and Caius found himself unquestioningly doing his duty. He ejected his dirk from the man’s heart and slit the throat of another walking past him, reached into his frock coat with his other hand and shot another with his revolver. With little conscious thought he quickly shot three others and found himself driving his dirk through another. He turned towards a shadow next to him and raised his dirk. A girl?

            The female Cruorian couldn’t be older than seventeen. Her hair a shimmering crimson, brighter than your everyday Cruorian, and her eyes darker, much darker. He could feel the hate burning in her almost pitch-black eyes. In his hesitation he failed to see the kick she landed perfectly on the side of his head that send him crashing down and dropping his gun. She was on top of him as soon as he hit the floor and trying to force his own blade on him. Caius quickly started overpowering her though and she rolled off him as soon as she realized she’d failed to kill him. By the time he got back on his feet she was already halfway through the crowd and to one of the exits. That’s no f*****g civilian, thought Caius furiously. Why did I hesitate? It’s not like I never killed a woman before.

            Caius chased after the girl, shoving aside and killing whatever Cruorian stood in his way. The flames of chaos were everywhere now; most shots had been fired at this point and the guards were forced to cut their opponents to death. Cruorians ran helplessly, some attempted to beg for their lives but to no avail. A few had taken to fighting. Whether the ones that fought back were rebels or simply Cruorians fighting for their lives, Caius could not tell. At the moment his eyes were set on the girl with the dark eyes full with hate.

            The girl managed to slip by the two guards stationed by a blanket door effortlessly. The guards were looking at each other stupidly when Caius shoved his way through after her. The halls were tight and filled with sheets but he could still trace her path through the movement of the sheets she’d just tackle through. Caius made it to another room, much smaller than the one with the mob, with five corpses, four Cruorians and one Judician. At the corner was an old Cruorian praying. The Cruorian was bald with a long crimson braided beard. At the top of his head he had a burn scar that looked like the shape of a hand.

            Caius decided to ignore the old man and resume chase of the girl down the only exit there was. He kept chasing until he reached a room with two doors and one replaced with sheets. The door made of sheets was about as still as could be. Caius didn’t believe the girl could’ve gotten that big a lead on him so he turned to the two doors. He reached for his revolver and soon realized he’d left it at the floor where he’d dropped it. Instead he drew his two knives, one in each hand, and kicked one of the doors open.

            The room was small and there was a woman holding a child on top of a bed. The kid looked about two years old. Wrong door…

            BANG!!!!!

            The mother’s brains splattered against the wall. The cries of the baby sang into the chaos as the mother’s corpse slowly slid to the floor.

            BANG!!!!!!!!!

            Caius closed his eyes in an attempt to erase the image before it sunk. The baby’s face was destroyed from what Caius could tell in the two seconds he could bear to look at it. It didn’t take a second longer to realize he wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready for any of this. He froze in the beginning, he ignored the old man, let the girl get away, and didn’t even consider killing the mother and child. Cruorian or not, rebel or not, there was no justification for this. God will never forgive me for this!

            “I’ve spared you this guilt,” he heard Charles’s voice. “You shouldn’t have to kill a mother holding her child, yet.”

            Caius stood up with rage for the first time in as long as he could remember. “Just because you pulled the trigger doesn’t change anything! This whole massacre is my doing!”

            Charles glared at him coldly. “Yes, I expect you not to feel anything. You were part of Judicium’s Youth, were you not? You should be the perfect soldier.”

            “I was taught never to take an innocent life,” he replied with contempt.

            “You were taught to protect this country,” Charles replied adamantly. “That means doing whatever you have to in order to achieve that. Hesitation is the difference between the life or death of those you love.” And whom do I love?

            “This is outright slaughter.” No matter how bad he wanted to mention God, he refused. Charles would laugh and mock him. Worse, consider him weak and worthless.

            Charles ignored the comment. “The fighting is quieting down. Justice has been served. The few that ran away will not make it far. Our work here is done.”

            Caius felt tempted to strike his Mentor but knew better. Is this what anger feels like? The inability to do what you want. “You can take all the credit. I want as little to do with the deaths of the innocents that died today.”

            Charles thwarted his gaze to the corpses. “Innocents? I’m afraid Judicium will know a different truth. They’ll know of how they bred rebels in the very roof we gave them. They’ll know of the countless dutiful Judicians that died at their hands. They’ll know why we can never trust foreigners. In Judicium, the truth is whatever we want it to be. Remember that, Caius.” If that’s the case, then has my entire life been nothing but lies?

            Caius had nothing to say except the only thing that seemed to matter in this godforsaken world. “All hail the Fuhrer…”

 

***

 

            Caius found himself in the Proud Morning, the only Tavern he ever seemed to find amusement after a job. When Caius was off duty he preferred being drunk. When he was sober and off duty he was lost. Drunk, the world seemed a more insignificant place. He felt smaller and yet larger. Nothing he did would affect anyone but himself and all that matter was his own personal satisfaction. Only this time it wasn’t so much the case. He couldn’t get the image of the mother and child, who’d Charles had murdered, out of his head. He was hoping drinking might make him forget, but all it did was make the image more vivid.

            Caius never did his job out of satisfaction; he did it because it was his duty to his country. He never once felt guilty about it before though. In fact, he never had much thought about it in general. He never felt sorry for the people he killed. It was just his duty. But the massacre at the shelter was different. It conflicted with all the morals he’d been taught, at least those written in the Holy Grimoire. More than half of the people they murdered were not a threat to Judicium or anyone. Just unfortunate people who happened to be at wrong place at the wrong time.

            “You look troubled,” said Patricia. “I don’t think that’s a look I’ve ever seen on you before.”

            Caius took another swing of his drink. “It’s not a look I often wear.”

            Patricia was the bartender in the Proud Morning. She was the daughter of the owner and a young beauty still rumored to have her virginity. Her hair was an auburn color tied into a loose braided ponytail over her left shoulder. Her eyes were an emerald green that matched her dress. Her dress was typical Judician fashion for women, a corset that grasped the shape of her torso tightly, long silk gloves, and a skirt that took the form of a bell due to the elaborate mix of clothing underneath. Her dress was more elegant than you would expect from a tavern wench but the Proud Morning was in the upper districts of Lumina and the wealthy found their pockets well invested in it.

            The Proud Morning was more than just a tavern though, it doubled up as a brothel, hence it’s name. That’s where most of the profit came in. The girls on the menu weren’t cheap in any which way you would look at them. They all had the look and hygiene of a wealthy woman, and their price was that only a wealthy man could afford. Caius had found all his carnal experiences in the Proud Morning, however not once had he felt proud in the morning. Sober he’d likely still be a virgin at the age of twenty-two. He had never had any personal interest in people and only ever associated with them on the job. It was a wonder why he devoted his life to protecting people, or rather, protecting his country as Charles had made quite clear. But it was all he knew.

            Patricia leaned over the counter. “So, you wanna talk about it?”

            His eyes found her cleavage instead of her eyes. She had a beauty mark on the inner side of her left breast. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I’m drunk, but not that drunk.

            “Would you rather talk about my tits instead?”

            Caius looked up, embarrassed. Maybe I am that drunk. “I was just…thinking, is all.”

            “I’m scared to ask about what.” She giggled. “A shame I’m not on the menu.”

            He felt her eyes tearing through him with hunger. Whether it was an illusion the alcohol was playing on him or whether she was blatantly giving signs, he couldn’t tell. He could tell what he wanted right now, drunk as he was though, he knew better than to try and f**k the Owner’s daughter. That would cause unnecessary conflict that would cause unnecessary attention.

            He took another swing of his drink. “Why are you tormenting a drunk man’s mind with your games?”

            She laughed innocently, or mischievously, he couldn’t pick which is sounded like more. “Tormenting? Actually I was just curious to know what was tormenting this drunk man. I’ve seen you come here a lot of times and you always have the same expression on your face. You never look happy, but you don’t look mad or sad either. You just have that same empty look in your eyes, like nothing in the world can fill up whatever it is you’re missing. It’s never been my business to ask, so I never have. And you never talk, except to ask for a drink or a girl, so no one seems to know your story. Not even the girls you sleep with, they say you’re as silent as a mute in bed. So, when you suddenly come with some hint of a story, I can’t help but wonder why.”

            Caius was having a hard time figuring out her intentions. He’d never met anyone concerned about what was going on in his head. All Charles ever cared about was what should be going on in his head. Everyone else just cared about his results. And the w****s only cared about the money in his pocket.

“Why do you care?” he asked bluntly.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Guess I’m just a curious girl.”

            He knew he couldn’t talk about his occupation. Judicium’s Shadow’s only purpose was to work in the shadows. Opening up in general was argued against. It was one of the reasons he never pursued getting attached to people. He wondered how Charles managed to work in the shadows while having a family. He probably lies to them too. The truth is whatever we make it…

            That spurred an idea. Caius decided to have a little fun. “What do you want to know?” he asked.

            Patricia raised a suspicious eyebrow. “If I ask, will you answer?”

             “Sure. I have nothing to hide.” The truth is whatever we make it.

            “I hope you know I’m going to take full advantage of this.”

            “Go ahead.”

            “Well, for starters, what do you do for a living?” she asked. “We get a lot of Black Coats, White Coats, Owners, and just plain wealthy men, some of them well known. You’re a million words too quiet to be an Owner and a million coins too rich to be able to come here regularly, yet I’ve never heard of you. So I reckon you’re either city watch or military since you certainly don’t strike me as the criminal type.”

            Caius finished his drink. “The money comes from my father. He’s wealthy, obviously. Military man, a White Coat. I happen to be the unfortunate son who has to follow in his footsteps. Pretty much everything in my life has been handed to me. I’ve never given him a reason to be proud of me, quite frankly I’m tired of trying to impress him.”

            Patricia smiled admiringly. “And I’m the unlucky daughter who needs to follow in my father’s footsteps. Wish he would’ve picked a different trade than w****s and drinks.” She refilled his drink. “So what’s the troubled look for, some quarrel with your father?”

 “Actually, he just died. For the first time in my life, I feel lost. Without him telling me what to do all the time, I don’t know where my life will lead me.”

Her emerald eyes opened wide and she covered her mouth with feigned concern. “I’m so sorry! It must be hard. Even though sometimes I jest about killing my father when he angers me, I can’t bear the thought of actually losing him. I can only imagine what you’re going through. I know I can’t offer much but if you need anything, I’ll do what I can.”

Caius was intrigued. Not a word of what he said was true and yet to her, now she had some crazy notion that she was actually getting to know who he was. People are so gullible. He began to wonder how many lies he’d been told throughout his life.

“Thanks but I’m fine, truly,” he assured.

“If you don’t mind me asking, did he die on that attack on the resistance group everyone is talking about? I heard they were sheltering hundreds of them right under our noses. The vermin! We give them a home after going to war with us and this is how they reward us. Good thing not even they can escape Judicium’s Shadow.”

The truth is whatever we make it. For some reason it pissed him of. He suddenly felt disgusted with himself for lying. “Yeah…let’s stop talking about me. My turn to ask the questions.”

Patricia looked startled. “What could you possibly want to know about me? My life isn’t much more than what it seems. But it’s only fair I guess. Shoot, what do you want to know?”

“The guys that come to the tavern, they say you’re still a virgin. Is it true?”

She blushed. “That’s an awfully personal question to ask a lady.”

Caius took a sip of his refill. “Me, someone who rarely says a word to anyone, just told you his father died, and my question is too personal?”

She put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. “Fine, I’ll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell a soul.”

“How often do you see me tell anyone anything?”

She leaned forward, her breasts engulfing his hand holding the drink. He could feel her breath and almost taste her lips. “Let’s just say you’re not the first handsome man to walk into my father’s tavern and catch my eye.”

            As she leaned back across the counter Caius took three big gulps from his cup. He felt himself stiffen beneath his pants. I’m definitely drunk. “Is that so…and how does one go about…purchasing a girl who is not on the menu?”

            She glared at him teasingly. “Do I look like a w***e? You’re cute, but it doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you for some coin. You’ll have to work for it.”

            “How much more do I have to work? I already have more coin than I can think of what to do with.”

            Patricia laughed. “Have you only ever been with w****s?” Yes actually. “When you like a lady you’re supposed to use your coin to take her out.”

            Caius took another sip of his drink. “Why? Seems rather pointless. We both find each other pleasing to the eyes and we’re already talking here. It seems only reasonable that the next step is…”

            “God, you’ve really only slept with w****s, haven’t you? A lady needs to get to know a guy before she knows if he’s right enough for her to sleep with.”

            “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said without thinking. “What different does knowing a person make in bed. When you’re both naked under sheets there’s nothing but physical interaction. What you see and feel physically are the only relevant things.”

            Her expression changed to disgust. “That’s the most shallow thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. Most men at least pretend to feel something. You don’t even do that.”

            That irritated him. He never had to deal with a girl judging him just so he could sleep with her, least of all argue just to sleep with her. He liked it better when he just put a coin in their hands and they did their job. Life is simpler when people do their duty.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out two gold suns. “Give this to the most shallow girl on the menu.”




© 2013 Cynical_Art



Author's Note

Cynical_Art
What do you think so far based on the first chapter? (Thoughts on Caius, possible predictions, etc.)

My Review

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Featured Review

Very good start to a novel! The 'truth is whatever we make it' thing in particular strikes me as being deliciously Orwellian. Caius is a very intriguing character. The conflict between doing his duty and doing what is right sounds like it will make a very interesting plot later on. My prediction is that he'll end up joining the rebel faction. Also, I'm sure that the Cruorian girl from the begining is significant somehow. I look forward to reading more!

Posted 4 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Thanks! Love your review. I'm glad I'm having the desired affect on my readers. I write through pers.. read more



Reviews

Awesome writing, Congratulations

I think that at one point or another we have all decided brashly to simply throw caution to the wind and see where the winds take us.

I have always been a fan of such decisions and as such I very much enjoyed this chapter, it flows well and has such an adventurous tone that it almost inspires you to jump out of your chair, run out the door and keep running all the way to Central Park.


Posted 4 Years Ago


Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Thanks for the review and your input. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Can't. Drop. This. You've got me hooked....

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Glad you enjoyed it :)
Wow, that was chilling. Great execution from the first paragraph I was captivated (ominous references to the Fuhrer, "only the ones that would hear the Cruorian's cry would be the ones passing judgement." though I have to say my favorite line in the whole piece was: "We’re all made of the same thing when it comes down to it.” made my stomach churn a bit. AnonymousLad compared you to Orwell, and though i'm a big Orwell fan I think your more subtle and flavorful (1984 was ominous to the point of being overbearing and disempowering, this seems a lot more human and visceral).

The reference to Milton's Paradise Lost made me think it might take place in the future, but clearly its an allegory to modern-day politics. I'm not sure where you were basing it on, but I immediately thought of the Balkans (some Croatians have red hair, and I had an Albanian friend who told me a story about his family and neighbors getting rounded up to go into a stadium to be executed. I think his sister got her ear cut off). At any rate, that was a great, bone-chilling read.

And you wrapped it up well. The ending line was great.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Bradley Darewood

4 Years Ago

As a person who writes very long stories and has no time, I feel you on that last thought.
I a.. read more
Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Of course, without "stupidity" (lol) there can't be order. Anyways, my views on morality are extreme.. read more
Bradley Darewood

4 Years Ago

There's a couple added elements to resistance and revolution: there are inherent contradictions in m.. read more
Im glad you understand that in order for a story to be dark it doesn't need to involve acts of sodomy and necrophilia. let me explain. Often a writer will think that adding cringe worthy sections to their novels will make for a more emotional and sleeker experience. But this isn't so, the ominous darkness of a story comes from the tone set up by the themes a piece is trying to convey. Colorful character, with a deep theme is often enough to portray just that. and this is where i think your story shines. thought certainly those factor still exist your novel doesnt concentrate on those acts of violence but it builds up on the tone, making this piece very effective. That end the masterful execution of rhetoric and just plain great literary mastery makes this a must read.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Thank you very much and this is easily the most analytical review I've gotten. That is exactly what .. read more
This story is a bit more brutal then I expected, I liked it, but where this is going scares me. It was written well, very descriptive, I'm not overly fond of Charles or Caius, but I find myself wanting to know more about the unidentified Cruorian girl who attempted to kill Caius and escaped from the massacre.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

First of all, thanks for reading. My book is very brutal, and while not every chapter is always a ma.. read more
CLUTZ

4 Years Ago

No problem, and I might continue reading at some point because I'm weird and like giving myself nigh.. read more
Very dark, and very good look into a new world. The darkness is apparent from the beginning, but one still feels connected to Caius. My only real critique is the very opening. I think it could finessed a bit, make it smoother. I read it out loud and it felt choppy in my mouth.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Yeah that's definitely one of my problems that I myself notice and hate myself for. I know exactly w.. read more
I'd like to say that the first thing I spotted was that too many sentences start with "the" or "a'. Try different sentence starters. It's quite long, I mean, It already says over 10 points and I've written not much. I don't understand the ending though. I has a lot of description and such, some quotes and things. You seem a very promising author and you could get published... I don't say that to many people. You are a very good author, but I have a baby sister and I am an aunt... and I have a baby cousin. The death in the first chapter suggests there will be more deaths. So I am afraid I'm not going to stick around. Sorry, but I don't like people dying....

DJ x

Posted 4 Years Ago


Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Thank you for both the criticism and compliment. I myself notice my issue with sentence starters, it.. read more
Yikes !! Very interesting Art. You had me right up until you blew the brains out of the woman holding the kid on the top of the bed. Good work over all but not the images that I want in my head. You are talented and on your way but not the kind of story I want to think about or hang with me. If we are what we eat what are we when we read ?? You are talented... I give you that !

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tegon Maus

4 Years Ago

As detail as your writing can be you should try Sci-Fi. I think that would be very interesting. You.. read more
Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

My other story is more sci-fi-ish you could say. Honestly I just like creating new worlds from scrat.. read more
Tegon Maus

4 Years Ago

I get it... you're right. I'm one of those people that obsorbs everything I see, hear or read... al.. read more
You are a very promising author. You definitely have a gift with description, such as how the characters interact with each other. One thing though: some small paragraphs scattered here and there don't really seem to add to the story. Maybe consider doing without those extras? Unless of course they are mentioned later.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Cynical_Art

4 Years Ago

Thank you. And thanks for the criticism. Generally everything I put is to give a sense for the world.. read more
Abbie Lee Brown

4 Years Ago

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction! I'll take a look at the next chapter soon.
This was very interesting. I liked the details you put into it. It made it very easy to paint a picture of what's going on. And although I wasn't that into the second half of the chapter, I still think it was a good way to get to know Caius' character a little better. Nice work.

Posted 4 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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830 Views
13 Reviews
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on January 16, 2013
Last Updated on December 17, 2013
Tags: genocide, murder, cynical, justice, order, war, trauma, duty, fantasy, death

God's Requiem


Author

Cynical_Art
Cynical_Art

New York, NY



About
I am 21 years old, I got my Bachelors in Science Degree when I was 19. My career profession is computer animation (I am an Environment Modeler, for those that follow the profession) but I love to writ.. more..

Writing