Haunting

First piece of flash fiction!

 

His first step was a question; he was unsure of this morning walk's meaning. Escape, or closure? The early, chill breeze pressed against his skin, hot from the feverish ramblings of his mind. In the early darkness, the unsettled and displaced were the only ones outside. He was alone, and this soothed him.

 

Streetlamps flickered like fallen stars, dimly illuminating the dormant city. The flick of a lighter caught his attention; another walker huddled in a stone alcove with a cigarette. Trembling hands steadied as wisps of smoke puddled inside her mouth. The ashes drifted, glimmering faintly orange before coming to rest in a cold, gray heap.

 

He turned away, breathing in the cold, clear air. Step followed step until he reached a slab of polished granite carved with only one word: Isabel. He paused, lungs tight, and brushed a finger along the curve of the s. Inside, he crumpled, curled up into the knot that lived in his chest. Breathe. In and out until the knot loosened and he could carry the pieces of himself home. 

Author's Note

Have at it, the goal here is to get better!

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

Language is a beautiful thing. There is beauty in the complex resonance of words, beauty in the complexity of well constructed sentences, and there is beauty in the elegance of simple words and sentences. The short story is my favorite form of writing. It is my favorite because to be successful a short story must focus all its elements towards itself - a short story is existential.

The first sentence of "Haunting" is a thesis question, a good thesis question, but the distance between "His" and the question mark is daunting. Is the first step in fact a question, or is the whole walk, or is the walk a gesture toward an answer?

I like the sense of the story - the meaning I am meant to discover or at least hope to discover. I think the complexity of the sentence structure and the inclusion of nonessential sentences does not flatter the story.

If the second paragraph is relevant it escapes me, the title may tie it to the story, but if so it is a slender thread.

I think this is a good story over written into mediocrity.

[Goose Eggs]

I'm glad I have the idea of the story down, and I like the idea of giving the reader space to relate a story back to their own life. However, if there's too much space I need to bring it in a little bit. Any advice on how to improve the story, and for short stories in general?

[Delmar Cooper]

Every story is different and has different needs. The writer gets to decide what those needs are and supply them. The reader gets to pass judgment on how well it was done. When the writer and reader agree the story is a winner.

A very short story, what people call flash fiction these days, has to have no extra weight. Every word, including the title, serves to justify the existence of the story as an entity. There is no place for digression or ornament. When the story weighs 2000 words the writer cuts to 1000, if that does not do the job he adds back word by word until the story is perfect.

"Streetlamps flickered like fallen stars, dimly illuminating the dormant city." 10 words.
Fallen stars of flickering streetlamps illuminated the sleeping city. 9 words
Flickering streetlamps lightened sleeping city shadows. 6 words
Streetlights flickered in city shadows. 5 words
Streetlights waited for dawn. 4 words
The problem with the abbreviated lines is that they aren't the original writer's words. As writers we fall in love with our own words. We cherish them into a life of their own. Sometimes we really need to strangle them in the crib.

[Goose Eggs]

That last line stuck with me. I agree, and I appreciate the candor. Revisions can be intimidating, but they're entirely necessary.

[LauraraMonique]

I truly do love the picture you painted in this piece. Nice job.

Best,

Laurara Monique
http://laura.productions/

[E.L.C.]

I love your style of writing; your structure and grammar is very good. Though, I am not sure how the second paragraph adds to the story. I love the description itself, but it does not really provide the reading with any deeper insight to the story itself. Where this is a piece of flash fiction, each sentence is essential and should be important to the story.

Have you considered swapping the second and third paragraphs? I love the description in the second paragraph, but I feel it would read better coming after the third paragraph. So it would look like this:

"His first step was a question; he was unsure of this morning walk's meaning. Escape, or closure? The early, chill breeze pressed against his skin, hot from the feverish ramblings of his mind. In the early darkness, the unsettled and displaced were the only ones outside.He was alone, and this soothed him.

Step followed step until he reached a slab of polished granite carved with only one word: Isabel. He paused, lungs tight, and brushed a finger along the curve of the s. Inside, he crumpled, curled up into the knot that lived in his chest. Breathe. In and out until the knot loosened and he could carry the pieces of himself home.

He turned away, breathing in the cold, clear air. Street lamps flickered like fallen stars, dimly illuminating the dormant city. The flick of a lighter caught his attention; another walker huddled in a stone alcove with a cigarette. Trembling hands steadied as wisps of smoke puddled inside her mouth. The ashes drifted, glimmering faintly orange before coming to rest in a cold, grey heap."


Just a suggestion, take it as you please.

[Goose Eggs]

Very true! I think that rounds out the story, rather than leaving it with an abrupt ending. Flash fiction is a new format to me, and I'm used to doing essay writing, so I'm pleased with all the advice!

[W.k.kortas]

While I agree with the wise Delmar on several points, I would not agree that it is over-written--in fact, I would argue pretty much the opposite. As is, I feel it is too anecdotal; we know (well, suspect) that the narrator is visiting the grave of someone dear to him, but the whos and whys of that relationship are left strictly to conjecture. While I can see a bit of relevance in the second paragraph--the notion of the cigareete burning briefly, then turning to ash, is a nice bit of metaphor for the fleeting nature of life its ownself--it's a part of something, but it does not stand on its own. As it stands, the piece is a bit like the photographs in the picture frames you buy at Wal-Mart; it's a nice enough snapshot, but why should we care about the people in the picture? That's the question this piece needs to answer.

[Goose Eggs]

Thank you! I'm working on consistently creating stories that make people care. As it stands, I feel like I know how to write in the technical sense, but my writing lacks the emotion that a story needs. Any advice?

[W.k.kortas]

I don't know if "emotion" is exactly the right term--and sometimes emotion can be your enemy--but there are ways you can hint at the relationship without hitting us over the ehad with it--contextual clues (you should read some of Delmar's work--he does this very well), internal dialogue from the narrator--that provide some texture and layering to flesh out the story.