Hell Can Wait (amended)

A Story by The Grappler

A new Luigi's Speakeasy job - a bit formula... but hey... nobody's perfect.

Hell's A-Popping.

Hell found me. For once it found me before I found it, which was lucky for it, or lucky for someone, since I was on a Blood Oath, and dead and determined to get what had been done set right, so if I'd found it first, well, all Hell was going to break loose, and did in a way, as you'll find out as the story unfolds.

You see, to cut the long story short, I'm a Guardian Angel, all fitted out for the comfort of humanity and all that stuff, but also with a pocket-full of Angel Fire that could burn even a minor demon to a crispy wisp of sulphur, given that the demon didn't get me first. But that didn't happen too often, since The Accords clearly stated the Rules of Engagement, and while ever the other side abided by the rules, any infringement meant a serious meeting with The Big Guy or a close representative upstairs or with a court composed of representatives of both sides in the Eternal Heavenly Feud. But hey YOU try only returning Angel Fire if Hell Fired on first and see how YOU cope. There's been the odd demon scorched on suspicion.... not that suspicion is hard to find in those guys....it's one of their middle names.....

Eleventh Commandment "do unto Hell's before they do it to you".... there endeth the lesson....

Angel Fire is used in any number of ways, and is packaged the same (in a number of ways) and in my current guise as a private detective, I carried mine in a shoulder holster, all fitted out like a gat - that's a pistol to you heathens out there in civilian land. My gat would pass muster and even had a licence to go with it, so nobody but my in-crowd of fellow Angels had any idea what it was in reality - they could smell the difference from a hundred yards away. Even fired like a human gat, too, until I slipped it into Angel Fire Drive... and then all hell broke loose....

Anyway, in case you're wondering how I came to be chasing Hell, instead of the other way around since the Boys Downstairs are always on the lookout for a mark.... any mark and even a minor angel would be worth a medal or two down there ... let me go back a ways. Coupla days ago it all began ......

∞

...as I walked into Luigi's speakeasy New York on Fifth and Main, pondering, not for the first time, what I was doing here. I checked my watch - 11.49... I was a minute early so whoever... or whatever.. it was I was going to meet would surely be here before me.... I hoped... but you never know.

When you're in the Angel business and your memory has suddenly all gone to pot - in a manner of smoking, that is - walking into a strange or even a not so strange place can be pretty nerve-wracking. See - I'm a Guardian Angel, not one of them dicks with the red beret... I'm the Real Thing (Guardian Angels are kind of in short supply due to the never-ending need for fresh meat in the never-ending struggle between Upstairs and Downstairs, so we usually handle a full case-load), maybe I was about to meet my supervisor from Upstairs..... hey - it could be The Big Fella himself... or it could be my opponent or some of HIS colleagues in the endless struggle over some turkey's soul.

I know - I know - Bobby Dollar already has a mortgage on this spot of storytelling - but he's an Intercessional Angel - a Heavenly Advocate and he's got himself a demon girlfriend to boot and he works souls recently separated from their earthly body... whereas I was one of the grunt troops of Heaven who sometimes had to go toe to toe with The Dark Side over a soul that was still in the flesh, so to speak - actually the theologiticians will tell you Heaven and Hell are all a contiguous something or other, but I don't know that many swear words so I don't know what they mean - and I had to be on the lookout for the kind of treachery that was the hallmark of the Other Side.... that's why I carry a pocket-sized Heavenly Flamethrower - you know, the little gadget that throws Angel Fire - in my jacket under my arm in a holster and an even smaller backup inside my leg... just in case....

11.50 a.m.... no surprises yet.... now if I could only remember why I was here.. or even remember why I couldn't remember.... could be a trick of The Other Side or of MY side - sometimes the ways of Heaven are pretty strange.... but that note was on my mobile phone and I'd soon find out... if this was the right joint on the right date at the right time....

And there she was ... Lucifer himself couldn't have created a more stunning temptress.... hair of silken gold all the way down to her finely tuned waist and then some, face that would shame an Angel - yeah I was feeling pretty shamed right then in my worn brown suit and scuffed shoes (they don't pay us a lot down here at the coal face) - and a pair of focal points that would knock your eyes out... face of The Devil Herself..... though how that could be still baffles me.... surely Evil Incarnate is bone ugly.. and if she was E.I. then I just couldn't see how that could be. I couldn't wait to take a clinical look at the rest - well - she was sitting down in that amazingly graceful way gorgeous women do, so that'd have to wait............. and she was literally Heavenly...

I knew I should turn around right there and beat wings back to my apartment..... but one look and I was hooked...... oh, well..... an angel's gotta do what an angel's gotta do.. and we're only nearly human after all.....

She saw me coming, of course... and gave me that faint smile that only a beautiful woman can get away with, part hello and part 'take your place in the queue, boy', and said in the sweetest music,

“Take a chair.”

Take a chair! I nearly took an infarction right there but I took the chair instead ..... well, who said Angels weren't human - as Dollar will tell you, we need to get around down here, mingle with the natives so to speak, so we need to look and act like they do....

I put on my hardcase face, and acted the part,

“OK, doll. What can I do for ya?”

“Firstly, you can call me by my name. I'm no 'doll', and just because I arranged to meet you here in this place, doesn't mean I slum here all the time.”

Still the tough guy,

“OK - what is your name then. And by the way, I part own this joint.... and a few others.”

Now before you get off on that high horse out there in Readerland, Angels have to eat too, you know, in between bouts with the Devil and his Minions, and I already told you the stipend wasn't all that great down here for us grunts - maybe we're supposed to be storing up our pennies in heaven or something - which ever way it goes, we still need to eat, and just because I wear an old suit and scuffed shoes... well - let's just say I prefer people and demons to under-estimate me. So I'm a business-man - so sue me!

“OK, so you own the joint... just call me Jenny.”

“Jenny. OK.. Jenny - you can call me Gabe - what can I do for you?”

“I have a little problem.”

Not from where I was sitting, she didn't, but Hell ... oops, Heavens Above... anyone can have a little misunderstanding.

“So.. tell me about it?”

“I've been kicked out of my home, and someone has taken it over, like it's their own. Not a nice person, either. In fact, a downright nasty devil.”

“And you want me to be your pest exterminator? Why don't you just call the cops?”

“It's not that kind of home - it's one of those Upstairs, you know what I mean, and the cops up there are the Archangels, and you know what that means, and he.. she or whatever.. is one of them.”

Whoa right there Pilgrims... now remember I'm just a minor glitch on the heavenly radar here, just a number down where the real fighting takes place, not some super-cop, a kind of Heavenly FBI guy or Host of Heaven Special Forces guy armed with a constitution and a gun and with the whole Heavenly Armed Force behind me if needed. Uh-uh - not old Gabe - I'm just what I said - a common grunt.

“Jenny.. listen to me... this is way beyond my league here,” .... damn - did that include her as well? That brought out the harps and violins in me… but back to business...

“You need to take this up at the Highest Level. Sorry - can't help you.”

Them harps were hammering on my heart at the thought she'd leave.... she studied me for a long moment, a very long moment, before speaking clearly and slowly so us dumb grunts could get the message,

“You ever meet The Big Guy? No - I thought not - I'd remember if you did.”

Now what the Hell (excuse my French) was that supposed to mean? She was His secretary?

“Well - no - kinda outside my job description - He uses a lot of cut-outs and flunkies of various grades, you know. Can't be Everything to every person, that Alpha and Omega stuff, even if the blurb says he can.”

“I know. I won't fool around.”

..as if.... keep your mind on the job, Gabe.... she spotted my thought and went right on with the tiniest of smiles turning up the corners of her mouth.... oh, man.... oh, angel, I mean....

“Would it surprise you if I told you that He was a She?”

I didn't have to think too much about that, to come to a similar conclusion I only had to look across the table......

“Well, no, actually it wouldn't."

I couldn't help my eyes doing their thing and giving Jenny that point zero one of a second scan that says everything, sees everything, but vocalises and does nothing you could be convicted of in a court of law ... and she smiled a little knowing smile.....

“Good - because I'm just going to break it to you straight - I'm Her.”

I sat back in my chair, almost falling over backwards. The look on my face must have been something, because Armand my business partner rushed over with a couple of glasses of my favourite Irish whiskey, and sat them down on the table, giving me a quick once over before withdrawing to a discreet distance. My drink remained on the table as Jenny... I got it now - JENOVA, an ancient female version of Jehovah … easy for an untrained ear filled with the clamour of the tribes of Israel out in the hot desert sun to make that mistake all those millennia ago … Jenny picked up hers and sipped it like a lady before setting it back down with an all-knowing smile that I thought only a woman could have .... now it all made sense....

“Oh, My God,” .. I thought... um.. yes... MY GOD... “It's Hi.... HER, in the flesh.”

I finally got the strength and the strength of mind to pick up my drink and take a hefty mouthful, letting that holy spirit work its magic while Jenny just watched and waited as if She had all the time in the Universe... well... She did... after all.....she owned the whole shebang....

Finally I got my breath back and my brain started working again...

“Wait a minute - this all sounds mighty familiar. Didn't all that Downfall stuff happen, you know, a long, long time ago.. with Lucifer? So what's happening here? Some kind of action replay?”

“No - it's the same one. Let me explain. You know that in Heaven time means nothing and all time is one and all that, right?”

I never was too good at all this first and last stuff at Angel Cadet School, but I could follow it... barely... no wonder I was tenth in a class of twelve.....

“Yeah - I'm with you, I think.”

“So what that means is that what was written down all those centuries ago is actually happening right here and now... and Luke.. that's Lucifer... caught me by surprise... snuck up on me. We were.. very close.... he was my favourite, as the story goes, and... well.. he took advantage of the situation.”

I got it.....

“Luke.. Lucifer was living with you.. up there?”

“Yes - I trusted him.... he spun me a good line and I thought... well.. I wouldn't be the first Woman, that was Eve anyway, but in a sense I wouldn't be the first Woman caught out like that.”

Another thought struck me then,

“Does this mean that Son of God thing... you know... you and ...... Luke?”

I nearly spat out that name... damn... to think..... what a rat....

“No - that hasn't happened yet in Heavenly time. That Coming of The Lord Son of God thing comes later. We're not there yet even though its time has passed on Earth.”

Surely Heaven moves in some strange ways.... oh, well. I'll get used to it some day...

“O...K... so we're just looking at a simple case of.. well... I guess Lucifer has chosen sides.. of Demonic Possession of your home, right? Let me think about it for a minute....”

I thought about it for a minute - nothing new came up... now How The Hell (pardon my French) can a mere street angel kick a dissident Archangel out of The Heavenly Home? Take out an ADO - an Apprehended Demon Order and send in the clowns? Get his fellow Archangels to boot the b*****d up the Khyber.... nope - some of those were his cronies and the rest probably taking it easy after a few million years of fighting the Other Side, even if the fight hadn't even started yet. Christ - some were on sabbatical down here, under assumed names and just taking an academic look at good and evil in the flesh. Nope, nothing I could come up with fit the bill of ousting an Archangel with a mean streak .. so I was back to my new 'client' - who was also My Boss, The BIG Boss Herself. Should I kiss her feet? Love to, for a start, but she might take it wrong .... oh, well.....

“Babe... err.. Ma'am (with a huge capital 'M') … I just can't figure how to even get into a house held down by an Archangel and then even get close enough to give him his marching orders.... I just don't have the Angel Firepower for that.”

By way of reply, She reached for her handbag (bet you never thought God carried a hand-bag, did you?), and ruffled through it for something... came up with a piece of typed paper (they still use typewriters in Heaven? Well I'll be damned... or I hope not, but you know what I mean)....

“I took the liberty of bringing this with me... always keep a couple on hand for emergencies”.

She spread the paper out on the table, and read it through quickly before handing it to me.....

I read:-

Ye Bearer Of This Documente (yeah they talk like that up there)(insert name) is Hereby and Henceforth Entitled To All Provisions And Conditions Pertaining to Ye Positione Of Exalted Archangel In Service Of Ye Most High Exalted. Let None Bar His Passage On Payne Of Eternal Pools Of Fyre.

Furthermore, he/she (delete whichever is inapplicable) is Hereafter Entitled to All Ye Poweres of Ye Position of Archangel Of Ye Heavenly Body Corporate, as Incorporated.

Date:- (fill in blank)

Signed:- (fill in blank and affix printed name)

That Corporate wasn't quite the Heavenly Body I was thinking of at that moment.... Jenny waited while I read it through a couple of times, and she noted the question mark over my head... this All-Knowing stuff can be a bit of a bore sometimes... no privacy...

“Well, Gabe... that's what's called a Commission From The Highest Most Exalted - colloquially known as a 'Homer' " that you have in your hand. Are you Angel enough to take it?”

I was still wondering about that.... so she went on...

“You already have, you know... you did it a long time ago, just before The Downfall, so I know you're going to do it....”

There was that Heavenly Time thing again. I wished, not for the first time, that I'd paid more attention to theory in Angel Cadet theory class.... theory always bores me so....

“OK - so why all the fuss - why not just call me up and give me the job?”

“Free will - and free will transcends even Heaven Time, Gabe. Even for me. You have to make the decision of your own free will, not because I order you to. I don't work that way, which is why I got into a corner with Luke... I could have just ordered him to stop.. but he has to make that choice on his own.”

I could follow that line..... and a light dawned..... see, even I can get it right sometimes....

“So wait a minute - YOUR free will said you wouldn't sort of “All-Knowing” know that Luke was a rat?"

...(she nodded) …

“OK - so now I get to make him an offer he can't refuse so he makes that choice to go away, huh? Isn't that a bit sneaky? I thought.. excuse me, Ma'am (there was that huge capital 'M' again) .. I thought you were above that kind of thing.”

“Don't believe everything the Bible press tells you, Gabe. Do you think I'd have been living with Luke if I were above everything? You simply can't judge things or comment really unless you live them yourself, so I have to be as much like humans as possible in my personal life and just leave the press releases to the Heavenly Choir who sing my praises all the time. You can see that, surely?”

I nodded, beginning to understand... and she went on..

“I have free will too - how can I hand it out unless I live it? And I will it not that there be some war between Luke and I over my home.. I'd rather settle things peacefully and give everyone what they want as much as possible without doing too much harm. If you think being God is easy...?”

I could see her point and she looked on the verge of tears, so I rushed in.... the last thing I can stand is a.. a.. Broad (capital B) with the tears....

“No.. no... I don't think it's easy. I can see how hard it is to always have to reconcile everything between billions of conflicting ideas and thoughts and pressures, and how hard that must be for you every day. OK - I'll take the job, if that'll help, but on a temporary basis.”

She smiled that knowing smile, and once I'd signed, said...

“I always knew you'd take the job. And Temporary has no meaning in Heavenly Time, Gabe. ”

Yep - she sure did know I'd take.. had taken the job - she'd always known every moment of every day from the Start of Time to the End Of Time what I would do... and I was hooked.... . how could I possibly avoid The Hand Of God? With that All-Knowing smile she signed and dated the paper...... and I was in....

So that's how I became, or always was, or whatever, the Archangel Gabriel.

∞

OK, Pilgrims, I hope this story isn't getting ahead of itself too far or getting ahead of you - if the latter I apologise... so I had all these brand new Archangel powers.. but I'd never used them, even if Heavenly Time said that I'd always had them and had lots of practice ... too confusing.... so in the short term, which was what I had to work in to counter Luke/Lucifer before he got too settled in his new 'home', I had to use something else.

Now let me tell you - a few months, let alone a couple of years, as a Guardian Angel on Earth gives you some pretty good material to work with. But first we had to get Jenny settled somewhere so I could work without worrying about her being on the streets. God knows - pardon me - what would happen to God out there on those Mean Streets of New York, and history was replete with Gods of one kind or another who came unstuck and ended up in the gutter from too much mixing with mortals. Jeez some even bred with mortals and thus began their Downfall... the Long Drop Without Wings.

So I had to stash Jenny somewhere....

“Never mind, Gabe,'" .. she said, reading my thoughts in that All-Knowing way of hers, “I've got plenty of places to stay.... Many Mansions as the saying goes. You just work on how to settle this thing, and I'll be fine.”

O... K! Hell (pardon my bad language here again).. what can even an Archangel do with someone who knows everything? Imagine being married to her!! She read my mind again...

“You are - married to me that is - now and forever - always have been, even when I was running around with Bad Boy Luke. You were gone so long... some said you were dead.... and it gets mighty lonely up there at the Top.”

“WHAT? You're.. you're my WIFE? What the HELL were you thinking of getting tied up with some... Low Life (now there's a good word) … like this Lucifer while I'm gone?”

“Gabe - we don't have marriage in Heaven... that's just a myth that some have a 'marriage made in Heaven'.. we're a close couple, and you have to admit - you can't hide it from me - you've wandered a bit down here.”

“Yeah - but I'm here with no memory of Up There - it's not like I went out of my way...”

Jenny blind-sided me...again..

“Besides - we're not married YET - only in Eternity and Heaven Time, which is all that has been, is now, and is yet to pass. We don't go there until this is over. So you shouldn't be mad.”

“But.. but... this is millions of years after its own event... wait a minute.... let me think this straight … …Jesus....”

“Yes - that's his name....”

“Who?”

“Our Son, the Saviour...”

“OUR... son? My God.....”, I blurted out.....

“Yes, my one true love for all eternity that is, was and ever shall be?”

“I wasn't asking a question... I was just... being dumbfounded.. bursting out.... but.. but.. we only just met.”

“Yes - I know, Gabe .... but that was a long time ago in the future ...... you'll work it out in Heaven's Time. Meanwhile - let's get this Luke thing sorted out.”

Well - you can't argue with God, let me tell you - She's always known all the answers.

Then a great light dawnedf in my head...

"Ah", I said, "I've got it! You're a Libran! You're always trying to make things balance... you do realise they never do, don't you?"

She smiled sweetly,

"Yes, I am."

"Which one? A Libran or trying to balance eternally, you know?"

"Both, Gabe..... a Libran and always trying to balance things out.... it doesn't work but it's my nature to keep trying!"

"Well," I thought..."that's what you get with a woman at the top."

Jenny just smiled sweetly at that thought of mine, and I felt like a heel instantly ... so I fumbled a bit and covered up.. that pesky All-Knowing thing again....

"OK, let's get back to the question of Luke"... I said shame-facedly ....

∞

I'm not going to bore you with all the when's, where's , why's and how's Jenny and I tied the Celestial Knot, which someone quipped at the reception kind of resembled a Gordian Knot, whatever that is (told you I didn't make a study of swear words), with all the confusion over time and Heaven Time and all that.... suffice to say that it took place after we vanquished Lucifer and gave him his own Kingdom and the Right by treaty to chase after human souls if he could catch them, along with a full household of retainers to maintain him in his Royal standard that he so desired...... most of that kind of thing was written down a few thousand years ago..

Just accept that it all happens/happened/will happen - oh, Hell..... it IS.

We're here to settle the problem of Luke/Lucifer taking up permanent residence in Jenny's home without permission and acting the lord of the manor - to which he is not entitled.

Now I've already told you that even though I was now and always had been and always will be - leave that for a second while my head clears - right - AM an Archangel and had all the powers pertaining thereunto.... I still had no real idea or training in how to use them, unlike say, Michael who's been at it for a few millennia now .... so we return to the crux of the matter.. as Jesus said in his final moments.....

How do I go about evicting Lucifer?

No way I'd win in a stand-up fight, so I needed some street smarts to figure out what his weaknesses were, and then work out how to use them against him..... so where would any self-respecting Archangel go for that kind of info?

Why - Hell's Kitchen, New York, or Manhattan to be precise, but let's not quibble! I mean, any New Yorker would sell his mother for a tip on the stock market, but Hell's Kitchen was a different ball game and lived up to its name - there was always something cooking there! The good thing about the Hordes Of Satan is that they are always ready to turn a soul any way they can, and their middle name, the middle name that comes before Suspicion as above, is Treachery. For the right amount of grease a Satanly Liegeman or even a Thane will sell out his boss or even Satan himself, which they were about to do in Heavenly Time even if they didn't know it just yet - just give one of them the names of a few really evil characters who thoroughly deserve to be given Hell and that nobody will mourn - and they are putty in your hands.

Now you might think that kind of sell out of human souls is pretty un-Angel-like, but let me take you back to the Heavenly Time thing - see, Heaven always knows who the really bad and un-redeemable ones are.... they even send out a weekly list to Angels so they can be prepared in the event of having to intervene as Guardians - the list determines our level of response - and also for the Advocates like Dollar, so they can fine-tune their case before Final Judgement....

It's not as if we sell any good people down the River Styx for petty gain, such as inside info on Lucifer..... only the truly bad get this treatment. Rough Frontier Justice.. but hey.. nobody's perfect... and at least the truly evil and irredeemable have their uses....

So - in short - I got my inside info for the price of a few already dead souls, who needed a little fire in the belly to wake them up, anyway....

First I connected with a couple of low level demons hiding out in The Kitchen, weaseled and lied my way past their natural suspicious natures, and finally arrived at my main man.. my source of information... good old Ratskin, the Kitchen pawn broker...

Ratskin had a bit of history behind him... he'd been previously a mad monk who ran around in Russia named Rasputin.. before that he was another Russian named Raskalnikov, who someone or other wrote a book about... Ratskin seemed to like the Russian climate for some reason, maybe he thought it made him cool or something, but even he found the Revolution too much to handle.. all that demolition of religion made it hard to pick and choose souls to gather up....

For a while he took up a spot as some guy in Iran named Rasfanjani, but got tired of the lack of any real contest for souls of sinners... and too much work .... even an Ayatollah needs some time off, and since there were so many accused in Iran, and the contests were never-ending in the Purgatory Court, with nearly every accused contesting his conviction and the Heavenly Counsellors having a field day with all the silly convictions and taking all the souls... old Ratskin just plain gave it up.

Ratskie lived in a part of the Corner that even the Devil wouldn't want... the kind of place where you leave your grandma outside the grocery store in her wheelchair and come back to find her burnt out and on blocks with the wheels gone... Ratskie fitted right in...

Well, Ratskin's ears pricked up about a foot when I walked through his door... (demon ears tend to do that when you know what you're looking for), and he immediately entered Suspicion Mode.

"So... ahhh.. Gabriel, isn't it? Heard your reputation on the streets, Gabe... what can I do for you? Anything special behind the visit?"

"As a matter of fact, Ratskie, there is..... now just cast your eyes over this.."

I laid down Jenny's Homer letter on his counter.... Ratskin looked at it like it had leprosy or something, then slowly and carefully reached out and turned it so he could read it... his eyebrows shot up....

"Didn't burn you hand, did it, Ratskin?", I said .."now I want some information.. try to trick me and it's adios muchacho and burnt crispies as a side, OK?"

Ratskin actually trembled... I guess he'd never met a fully-fledged (if newly minted for thousands of years - forget that for a moment - gives me a headache) Archangel before, but he knew the ropes...

"Treat me right, Ratskie, and I'll give you a few miscreant souls... I don't cheat people.. or demons for that matter."

He turned pale, and mumbled, hands spread out in supplication..

"Gabe... we're all friends here.. we're all on the same side.... I mean.. well.. we're all in the same game anyway.... look... anything I can help you with... I'm your man... your demon... OK?"

I nodded..'"OK.. what do you know about an Archangel named Lucifer?"

Ratskin looked away before answering,

"Never heard of him...."

I reached across his counter and took him by the front of his shirt, slapped him once, then a second time back-handed...

Ratskie squealed like a cornered rat:-

"Don' hit me no more, Mr Gabe!"

"Ah.. when you're slapped you'll take it and like it... now give up the dope!"

Couldn't help himself - Ratskie got all surly,

"I tell ya - I don't know nothing! So sue me!"

I pulled my small gun out of its ankle holster, pointed it at his nose... Archangel loaded and cocked...

"Now make with the goods, Ratskie, or its adios forever!"

He thought about it....

"Wait. wait... yeah.. I remember now.. I do know.. I have heard of him...."

I nodded,

"OK, what do you hear?"

Ratskin looked around to make sure nobody was listening.. no guarantee that the Big Boys on either side weren't listening in in their sometimes amazing ways.. but still...

"I hear he's looking at a fast track to The Top.. you know... he's got ambition like a dead man's got worms..."

I toyed with the gun...

"Go on!"

"He... he's been.. getting real close to The Big Guy Upstairs... one of the guys Down There told me once that Lucifer always had ambition, and... and that he'd do anything to get to the top.... he's that kind... the worst kind if you ask me..... I'm just an ordinary demon making an honest living, Gabe... "

"OK.. OK.. I hear you.... you're just an honest stealer of souls, I know..... now come on, spit it out .. what else do you know about Luke... Lucifer? While you mention it.. how much do you know about The Big Guy Upstairs?"

"Not much - never met Him, you know.. our line of business doesn't cross..."

"OK - what about this Luke... Lucifer dude?"

"He.. he likes to dress nice... likes to spend a lot of time taking care of his appearance... likes to come across as a real rich guy with his head on straight, you know... some say he's beautiful... if you can use that word... loves that mirror.. says it's the next best thing to himself.."

Well, well........ there it was, Pilgrims....

The Word was that Lucifer's big problem was Vanity... one of the Seven Deadly Sins as you recall.... so I had to work a way to get this Achilles Heel on this Heel of Heels to work against him..... as it turned out, it was easy.... so easy that even my suspicions at the time over it being so easy were null and void....

I thanked Ratskin nicely, gave him the names and addresses of a coupla Mafia hit-men and one or two child abusers, promised no interference when he apprehended them .... and walked away with my info. Before you think me a rat, all of those guys had already been refused as guinea pigs in surgical experiments and as crash test dummies... if they were lucky they'd get the lowest end of Purgatory and maybe get a chance at Redemption.... but I wouldn't count on it.

* * *

After deep consultation with Jenny, the God of Love and Peace - we, Jenny Herself, Michael, Me, and a few other Archangels - determined that we could make Lucky Luke an offer he would never refuse.... his own Kingdom etc as I laid out above, and the same open space to build an Empire as Heaven had... Equality... AND all signed off in a Treaty! He'd go for that, we figured, since it make him equal to the top Lady. Like a divorce settlement, he would get half the property.... he just didn't know what that half was until he got there, and we sure weren't going to let him know. We gathered together as fine a group of negotiators as you could find - Michael, a few others including my humble self though Mike did most of the talking... and we sold Luke the place they call Hell for a handful of beads .. well - not quite... we offered it to him in exchange for Jenny's home back.

Looking at Michael Rampant while the negotiations were on like some snake mesmerised by a mongoose ..... Luke didn't have to think real hard, and the offer of a lifetime of his own ranch and manor and staff was too much to resist... and he sucked it up like a drunk drinks water when coming down from a three day binge in the Sahara ... he took the deal......

And just like some old time American Indian, he didn't even look at the Reservation we were going to give him - Mikey kind of has that effect on people in negotiations ….. and the description was fair up to a point ..... but the reality was hot, dry, no running water, endless cacophony of trafficking and punishment in human souls, shrieking as passing cavalcades of lost souls were whipped into fiery Eternity, and the absolute WORST kind of people in the neighbourhood...... not a good one among them and no property values at all ..... but he signed in an instant. He was sick and tired of the Heavenly Chorus singing praises all day and night, and crying out to Jenny the whole time outside her window that he'd stolen - WHEN can an Angel get some sleep? ...... and he figured the resort with warm sandy beaches we offered, nice warm fireplaces, central heating, and so forth, all controlled by a Host of his minions and run as he liked including a signed Right (from Jenny) to capture bad souls and re-educate them - wide open - was just the cure for the never-ending cafard of the tapioca that is Heaven a lot of the time.... and Mike wasn't exactly smiling as he presented the offer, let me tell you.... that is ONE Archangel it doesn't pay to cross.....

So Luke signed - we signed - and off he went in his Celestial Chariot (we gave him a nice one with fiery dragons in the traces as a farewell gift, we like to make it look good as we shaft someone) and took up residence in his new home with all his minions. Imagine his surprise when his 'nice, warm, sub-tropical, centrally heated, scenic views, planned neighbourhood, flood free, ocean front' etc Paradise Lost was a baking, flaming, empty space in which souls writhed day and night, and only the lowest of the low lived and even had a chance to get in. It even flooded with fire at low tide......

He fought the contract to the highest court in the Celestial Sphere - claiming fraud and deception - but since that highest court was Jenny... well - let's just say he had no chance, and the Gates of Heaven were locked to him for all of Heavenly Time. And that's a HELL of a long time, let me tell you.

.. and that, Pilgrims, is how we cornered Satan and cast him down to Eternal Flames.........

Oh - on the subject of how Hell Found Me - that was Lucifer when he moved in and evicted my Eternal Wife - he found me and lost himself and found Hell, which I found for him..... told you I was on a Blood Oath …. life's funny like that. But I found Hell first - before we gave it to him and made things right as per my oath .. I just lied at the beginning about it finding me first... on Heavenly Time all is equal … so sue me..... you'll never win..... and if Hell found me now... I could only have sympathy for them before I send them to the Devil...

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So there you have the whole story, Pilgrims, and I don't use that term lightly.... you are all Pilgrims even if you don't know it yet... as for me, Archangel Gabriel and Caster Out Of Lucifer Along With Michael And a Few Others - well, don't always believe the press - it was more like we made a deal and he went for it, but Luke always was a sucker with an over-inflated ego. I mean who would swap flaming pools of fire for the quiet fountains of Heaven and the company of She, The Most Exalted, my eternal Jenny?

As for me.. well... I'm down here on sabbatical for a while and taking an easy job as a street angel specialising in struggling with Lucifer/Satan's minions over the souls of a few miscreants and just plain everyday lost people.... I may one day be able to forgive Jenny for what she did to Our Son, though I already have and always will.. God I hate Heavenly Time and the way it works ..... and I suppose it was all in a good cause and he's doing just fine now Upstairs lecturing on how to save the world and all its souls ... it's the principle that counts. Who'd have thought a son of mine would turn out to be an academic? Do I love her - Jenny I mean? Oh, yeah.... wild Horses of Hell couldn't drag me away, but I needed a little time to myself down here... I guess we'll work it all out in Heaven's Own Time … after all, we've got Eternity......

Actually, I'm on my way right now to an appointment I didn't know about but it was on my phone - memory slips sometimes, must be the air down here, and that Heavenly Time thing can get a bit complicated …..

….. and I walk into Luigi's speakeasy New York on Fifth and Main, pondering, not for the first time, what I was doing here. I checked my watch - 11.49... I was a minute early so whoever... or whatever.. it was I was going to meet would surely be here before me.... I hoped... but you never know. There was this message on my mobile phone.... no idea what or who it meant.... I hope the battle for the past and the future are not here.. tonight.... that Heavenly Time thing can get mighty confusing.... I needed a drink..... sometimes my memory down here is sooooo bad...

∞ ∞ ∞

Dedicated to Neo, who first asked me a question of what it could mean when he found a cryptic message " New York on Fifth and Main 11.50".... on his mobile phone...

.... and to Casual Fan who approved my first shot at the answer....

Another story I wrote in a day..... oh, well... love it or leave it. I cut the end short so it wouldn't be too long... maybe rushed it a bit.... if so, say so. Why Luke, my man! We can always amend the conditions..... drag it out if you wish..... but Mikie might not be happy...