The Truth Still Hurts.

Things that I could never say, but should have tried to.

It’s funny how I can’t actually articulate what I have to say and how I feel about you.  For someone so in love with words it’s hard to find the right ones for the event that is never going to happen.  I’ve dried up my second chances and burned down all of the bridges that lie between you and I.  I’ve made a mess of what was once a clean slate.  I turned happiness from a goal to an endeavor.  These past four years have seen the life drain from my bones, hollow me out and show me that all that I could have ever wanted or needed lied right in the palm of my hand.  But looking back is always 20/20.  I still get lost in Catalina from time to time, following the streets that we once wondered through, getting lost in those kisses that felt like the clouds.  Every now and again I lie awake and try to remember how you would word things and what they would sound like.  I try to close my eyes and drift off but I come to a front door, where I’m knocking.  You answer, welcome me inside and together we kill the afternoon watching wedding shows where the bride never did look as beautiful as you on that couch.  I try to hide it all somewhere in the deep but then I see the ocean and the clouds as we sat in the camper.  I hear the wind and I feel you so close but I open my eyes and it’s a white wall that welcomes me back to the now.  I beg for you to leave my head, I scream when I drive down the road because I could never find the words to say to you.  Day after day I just wanted to shout something so that the world could hear my confession.  That I still love you, that somehow you were still everything to me.  But my heart wouldn’t talk, for that smile you always wore never once faded.  Happiness was what you needed; happiness is what you had.  I tried to lie to myself, dive further away, kick and flail.  But I just swam in circles.  Never once finding the words to speak to you.  It hurts now more than it ever did.  I think of what it still means to me and I feel like I’m someone that should be wrapped in a white coat sitting in the padded room.  How could someone be in love for all this time without a single word spoken?  I don’t have that answer for you.  I have no answers left, no aces in my sleeve.  There will never be another day when I can pass you by and slip you a note that says, “I’m sorry”.  A note that says, “Please forgive me, I still love you, more than sour candy.”  And you would laugh because you know my addiction.  You know me better than I know myself.  And sometimes I sit here and stare at this screen pretending that all of these written words will somehow bring you back.  That it might workout like in the movies where someone you know reads this and tells you.  You fall in love with the words and you seek out the author.  We meet for coffee and when you see that it is me, you will know these words are for you.  It’s a pain that won’t ever end.  It’s a curse that was cast for all eternity.  My heart feels damned tonight like all other nights.  Just once I wish that you could see how much it all meant to me and how it still hurts, the truth still hurts.  I’m a thousand miles away from you but I like to think that we stare up at the same night sky.  I look at all the stars and wonder where on this earth you could be, and are you really that far?  I don’t know what else to say, you mean more to me than this ridiculous life that I have made, all these tangible things that I couldn’t care less about.  My heart decrying for yours, a wolf raging inside of my chest as I search this night sky for a reason, for a sign that someday you and I might be able to reconcile, that you might forgive me.  And after I think all these things, I just cry.  Tears fall to my hands and I let them roll from my cheeks.  The truth still hurts.  I hope that just once in your life you look to the sky and realize there is someone out there who loves you through everything, that the kid with the green hoodie could never fall out of love with you.