The Death Inside

A dark poem

Her screaming is sharp,
like a knife to the heart.
The pain that I feel,
is a hurt so unreal.

The darkness so dark,
A light wouldn't help.
The death, it is coming,
so the end is here.

Author's Note

No...i'm not ganna kill myself...i'm fine

Reviews

[Amber "Victoriomantic" ..]

Great piece! It's very refreshing to see somebody dare to write a short poem--it is something that a lot of people do not feel able to bring themselves to do. The shortness really added to the situation of the poem too, further emphasising that is showing a brief snapshot of time.

[ICE]

I like this piece. The flow of this poem and the rhyming was amazing. I don't think that the last line was the best way to end this piece, but other than that it was great! Keep up the good work!

[Taylor H.]

I loved the rhythm in the first stanza but the second stanza kind of died. and the line "The darkness so dark" was kind of redundant. But great poem all together

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Writer,

Agreeing with Angelheaded Hipster, you could do better. I understand that we don't often talk of a literal death when we talk about death; though I can understand the appropriateness of the author's note. I showed one of my poems to my high school counselor once and she thought I needed mental help. Feh, closed minded fools! Know you not that imagery is not realistic? It is meant to describe means of things that are beyond our force of words can control.

Mechanically it flows well, but the rhymes remind me of a "Roses are red, violets are blue." If you know what I mean. Don't edit this poem, maybe "darkness is dark" because that is redundant. Darkness embarks? Is that better? Just keep it in mind when you write more that the first objective of the poet is to convey the message and the second objective is to make it into art. Harmonizing these two is used by tools like rhyme, rhythm, flow, depth, et cetera. Good message, good job Gregory. Now do better. [; 9.5/10.

A person, a friend, and a writer,
S. W. Scaggs

[Wicahpi]

The first two lines are the best...
I'd like to know what it feels like inside.
Delve deeper!!!

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Okay Greg....
We have a nice set up here of her/him drama going on...which is cool, I suppose it was a lovers fight....but the second stanza....we know the darkness is dark, thats a bit redundant....so no a light wouldnt help cut it through...

I would reccomend going back over this, taking the first stanza, and make me (and others) feel her pain, show us why, what, when....and darlin, theres lots of better ways to describe the inky black darkness that swills around the four corners of a room....*winks*

Its a nice attempt but you can do better

The first stanza is really good. The second feels flat and forced. Try and expand??

[Kaelyn Shea]

why the sad poem greg? whats rong?

[Senseless whatever]

This is an OK piece. Short doesn't hurt, I would suggest rewording. The first two lines are strong and then there are no adjectives/ adverbs ....
add some color. Do you know what I mean?

[QuietPoet]

Very deep piece. I liked your flow. It was short, seems you could add more. But it was right to the point. Great job on this.