Tedium

this is an updated version let me know what everyone thinks! thank you

Now is the time, open your mind

Fall to the pleasure you're lusting for

Free yourself from the tedium of self-restraint

This cold reality, force to believe this is all a test 

To bring upon the era of metamorphosis 

To make me more than this damaged one 

Picking the scabs of my remorse 

The schism within is deadening light and reason 

Unable to see

The loving embrace from feigning arms 

Only bewilder the heart and soul

Searching for my elusive fulcrum 

Waiting on your voice to guide me through 

As I wallow in the pain of what could have been 

Drained of patience, the paralyzing fear of defeat sets in  

What have I done?

What wrong choices did I make?

To deserve all this agony 

To be put through this, is it worth it?

I certainly should walk away, but

I must keep reminding myself 

Of the healing and reward that waits for me 

At the end of this painful and lonely passage of growth  

So make a way, for all to see

Benevolent light, shine bright 

Hear my pleas and set me free 

With the warmth 

Of cleansing change 

Deliver me to 

My promised Zion. 

Reviews

[JayG]

Now is the time, open your mind
Fall to the pleasure you're lusting for
- - - - -
Here, you open talking to the reader, so at this point, the reader has an expectation that you’re going to talk about pleasure, or something they might want to know.

But then you spend the rest of the piece complaining about something terrible that you never identify. So when you say, “What have I done? What wrong choices did I make?” What can the reader say but, “Damned if I know.” ?

Only you know what’s driving those ongoing demands for personal justice. Only you know of the affronts that drive the rage.

Think about yourself. If you saw someone standing on the corner complaining that life is treating him unfairly—without ever identifying the reason—would you feel you want to help, or want to ask, “What’s the problem?”

You say in your bio that you write about what you’ve been going through. But you didn’t. What you, in reality, did, was say, “Oh s**t, life sucks!” That can’t involve the reader it only informs. Sure, It helps you to get it out, so writing this is probably a good idea…for you.

But the reader isn’t seeking to be informed on the fact that someone they know nothing about is feeling downtrodden. They want you to make them feel as-you-do, by placing them into your footprints, knowing what makes you feel as you do as intimately as you. In other words, make the reader feel, not just know.

I think doing that may have a therapeutic effect, in that to do it you have to investigate why you feel as you do, and ask if others in your situation would feel the same. And if they might not, and you can figure out how THEY avoid it…

Hang in there.

[Gregory Lara]

Thanks Jay, let me take it back to the note pad and give more expression and explanation

[JayG]

Don't explain. Make the reader live it.

Think of fiction. If it's a horror story the reader isn't seeking to know that the protagonist is frightened. They want you to terrorize THEM. Your reader is seeding to be made to feel, as an entertainment, not know.

[Gregory Lara]

Ah ok I see what you mean. Gotta put the reader in my shoes

[wordman]

sounds like you was caught up in lust,or in love that you should n`t have been

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Impressive that you could give a lifetime worth of experience with so few words. You have a talent for using your writing ability to allow yourself to connect to the reader in a way that feels that you are sharing the same physical space.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Your beginning reflects on wanting to change and become someone different,
then, you are trying to find a way to do so--struggling with it,
asking for help and not finding it,
but still trying,
riding along on hope for more through reflection of what has happened,
and praying for guidance--nice work!
It all reflects on your title and how it makes you feel with the emotions present to give your reader insight into your struggle.

[Sami Khalil]

"Free yourself from the tedium of self-restraint
This cold reality, force to believe this is all a test
To bring upon the era of metamorphosis
To make me more than this damaged one"

[Sami Khalil]

I see some good advises from others with sound judgement which was very interesting to read. A good updated version...:)...........

[richieb]

Gregory,
Powerful stanza's and strong writing. I think your mind shifted gears a couple of times when you were putting your thoughts on paper.
Remember the reader doesn't understand where your feelings are coming from.
Once you throw them a curve it is hard to bring them back in.
You are young and intelligent and will be a fine writer. Read your work out loud and see if it would translate well to a first time reader.
Peace,
Richie b.

[M]

It sounds very interesting. You seem to give the reader a couple of different feelings through out the poem.

[Bear]

Critique: (This cold reality, force to believe this is all a test) forced - The word "force" doesn’t fit this context

Review: The depth and scope of your word choices adds an intelligent edge that may be only appreciated by scholarly readers. I like the philosophical depth and your ending only strengthens my appreciation for this poem. Bravo! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Coyote Poetry]

This is all we can do.
"So make a way, for all to see
Benevolent light, shine bright
Hear my pleas and set me free "
We can pray and seek peace and forgiveness. Thank you Gregory for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote