Our Memories Were Too Beautiful To Last

Our Memories Were Too Beautiful To Last

A Poem by CookieMisfit1969

Sweet stinging of vodka on your lips
Now on mine too
Soft clashing of raging storms and thunders
Wreaking havoc on our drunken minds.

The tapping of raindrops on the window.
The wind from north knocking on the door.
The crisping of burnt wood on the fireplace.
Your warm hands clasping mine.

Time stopped.
As if he wanted to relish to moment too.
It was beautiful.
Too beautiful to last.
It was almost... delusional.

I woke up
Enveloped by the cold reality.
I found myself kneeling
With tears on my face,
On my sleeve,
On my collar.
There was something in front of me

A gravestone
And engraved on it
Were words my tongue ached to utter.

Your name

© 2017 CookieMisfit1969



Author's Note

CookieMisfit1969
Good memories aren't meant to last, that's why it stays in our mind ready to be recalled.

My Review

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k
You have a really nice start here and I like your concept. You have a nice narrative going here and I think with a bit of tweaking you could have a really strong heartbreaking piece. One part that really stood out to me as something that just "works" for this piece is the repetition in your penultimate stanza. "With tears on my face, | On my sleeve, | On my collar." That was a great moment and I definitely think you'd do this piece a disservice if you removed or changed in during your revision process.

Some things to think about:
This would be so much stronger if you omitted the ellipses before the last line. Let the moment be dramatic and heavy for itself, no need to force it with the heavy handed pause. On a similar note, I suggest omitting the three periods that make up the lines between "almost delusional" and "I wake up". It took me out of the poem and honestly your piece is powerful enough that they're only a detriment to you. You don't need their help to have an impact with your writing!

Another thing I suggest is replacing 'twas with a simple "it was" in both instances that it appears. It doesn't match the language of the rest of your poem and, like the ellipses, it just distracts and removes the reader from the poem. Using "It was" instead will read much cleaner and flow better with your poem.

Your weakest stanza is the second one. You bring these nice pieces of imagery up and then leave them hanging. What about the tapping of raindrops or the north wind? You have some really lovely imagery, it just feels incomplete right now.

A final thing to think about is punctuation. I think you should really read closely and make use of punctuation in a meaningful and grammatically correct way. The first stanza in particular feels like it could use something to separate your ideas and prevent the reader from steam rolling through the piece. I also would end your line "were words my tongue ached to utter" with a period rather than a comma. It'll make the next line have the weight you want it to.

Of course, all of my suggestions are just that: suggestions. I hope I haven't come across as rude or bossy and I hope this review has been helpful for you.

Posted 1 Month Ago


CookieMisfit1969

3 Weeks Ago

Wow, your review is very thorough, I'm not being sarcastic btw. I love this kind of review the most .. read more
yes, that cold reality...when love is not meant to last, but it is because of circumstance beyond the couple's control...
a very sad write.
j.

Posted 2 Months Ago


CookieMisfit1969

3 Weeks Ago

Thank you Jacob for always giving your time to review my writes :D have a nice day!

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58 Views
2 Reviews
Added on August 19, 2017
Last Updated on September 28, 2017
Tags: Love, death, romance

Author

CookieMisfit1969
CookieMisfit1969

Philippines



About
Hey there! Nice to meet you! CookieMisfit1969 here. i'm just the random kid you bump at the street barely surviving the world. Writing is my medicine. Keeps me entertained from my crazy ideas. Most o.. more..

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