The Twisted Tale of Humphrey Dumphry

Originally, this was a short story I was working on in four parts. Hope you like the dark, twisted, and insane. ;)

Humphrey Dumphry 

Sat on a line,

A line very small,

But a line very fine.

Humphrey Dumphry,

While it pains me to say,

Fell to one side,

And was lost in its sway.

Humphrey Dumphry,

He did like to chop,

And he saw and he cut,

Till their heads all came off.

Humphrey Dumphry

He liked to create,

So with red and with tan,

He set out to remake.

Humphrey Dumphry,

An artist they say,

So they took all his pieces

And then sent him away.

Humphrey Dumphry,

He sits all alone,

Confined to a room

Of pillows and stone.

But all of his doctors,

And all of their men,

Couldn't put Humphrey

Back together again.

Author's Note

I'm pretty concerned with this one: 1) I think it may just a liiiiiiiiittle too dark for publication, and 2) I feel like it has a few flow issues. Any advice or feedback?

Reviews

[captain]

I agree with the issue flows, just some but all in all its up to you, because i think its already good, I like it dark not your conventional nursery rhyme. A refreshing take on the old classic.

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thank you very much! I'll have to look back at it and see what I can improve. :)

[TheLoneWriter]

Wow, that was pretty brutal, but still good! I like the twist on the old nursery rhyme! Very entertaining! My only comment would be to maybe revise the 5th stanza because I feel like that could've been more clear! Other than that I saw no other issues! Great poem!!

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thank you! :-)

[Bob Sherunkle]

I liked it.So what if it's brutal? It's your words,your thoughts.I wouldn't change anything.

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thanks, Bob! I'm glad you liked it. :-)

[EloisaWrites]

Yep. It is a little too dark for publication. The images it created are brutal and really painful. But even so, I like the twist of this one. Flow issues? Nah. I think it's alright. Although, the wordings and style of this is patterned to that of a real nursery rhyme but with a touch of the insane. Haha. I mean, it is great though it is dark. It is dark but it is great. And if ever you want to edit this some time (to lessen the worry of getting this published), I think that editing the third stanza (the decapitating of heads) will make it less brutal. That stanza really painted a horror and crime picture. :)

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thank you very much for the review! Yeah, I was kind of worried about it being TOO twisted, but I don't know... It just felt right when I wrote it, the haunted and realistic nursery rhyme... Anyways, thanks again for the review! :-)

[EloisaWrites]

I liked it: the haunted nursery rhyme. Haha. If it feels right, then, you should not worry. It's really good. I just commented on the 'is it too dark for publication?' concern. Like Bob said, 'So what if it's brutal?'. :)

[Jared Michael Smith]

Lol, I guess you're right. The only things I might change are some general flow issues that I caught myself when reading through it. Just some blurbits in rhyme scheme and such. :-) Thanks again, Eloisa. :D