Love

It is about love of a sibling which we often overlook.

Love

It was not going to be easy Kohinoor knew, no one could take the death of a father easily but somehow she had to confront Ajmal, her brother. She took a deep breath and walked into the room. 

Kohinoor's dad had a car accident on his way home from his office. It was 22nd of November a rainy day and the fog was intense. Kohinoor's dad was alone in the car. The fog had collected in the glass and he turned back to reach for the towel when a truck hit his car. The car with the unfortunate passenger turned twice leaving the man with severe injuries and little chance for survival.

As Kohinoor entered Ajmal's room she was surprised to see him sitting on a chair with an odd expression on his face. Ajmal was only 12 years old and had to experience such a trauma. More ever he was closer to his dad than anyone else.She had thought of something to say and she thought she knew exactly what to say but she realized that she did not.

“He is dead right?” asked Ajmal with no emotion in his voice. He sounded as if he did not care much but it could not be true for as I said before Ajmal’s father was his best friend. True that there were not many whom Ajmal could call friends but the fact was unaltered that they were very close together. In the morning Ajmal refused to have Breakfast if his father was not besides him, after school he would always wait impatiently for his father to arrive and once he did so, Ajmal would not flux away from his company. In the evening they used to take walks and chat for long. And whenever Ajmal was with his father he was free from all earthly tensions and wore a smile.

"He is gone to a better place you know. He just slept for a long time and…”Kohinoor’s reply was cut by Ajmal.

“Oh! Stop all that. I know what happens when someone dies.” He didn’t sound like a twelve year old anymore. His eyes were pale and it told a harsh, painful story.

“Are you alright?”

“I am going to sleep for now and send my condolences to mom” he sounded harsh and it seemed that it was no longer the old Ajmal but someone else. How could someone behave to his mother like that especially in those kinds of situations?

Kohinoor thought that maybe it would be good for him if he was alone for a while and so she went out of the room. At around midnight Kohinoor’s mother came back from the hospital with Kohinoor’s aunt. Kohinoor had to console her mom because no one else would. They did not have many relatives and the ones they had turned their backs on them.Only Kohinoor’s aunt was left.

It was around nine in the morning and the temperature was still quite cold. The sun had not shown up and was covered by the clouds. The faint rays entered the kitchen through the window. The walls of the kitchen were faded and had little cracks. The house was certainly not big and grand, Ajaml's dad had planned to renovate it but all went for vain. Now since the bread earner was gone renovation might never happen in the house. 

Kohinoor's mother went out to buy some groceries. Kohinoor and Ajmal were alone in the house. Kohinoor took two slices of bread, an omelet, a glass of Ajmal's favorite juice and put it in a plate and went to Ajmal’s room. Ajmal's room was not big, quite small in fact. There was an old cupboard, a bed and a table where he would study. Kohinoor was shocked as she entered the room. She did not know what to do and stood still. She saw Ajmal standing next to the mirror on the cupboard with a gun in his hand.

“Is that real?” asked Kohinoor.

“You mean my gun?  Oh yeah! it is.” Ajmal replied as if it was no big deal.

“How did you get it?” Kohinoor broke the silence.

“It belonged to dad but now since he is dead, I guess it is mine.”

“Dad n...never told m...me about any g...gun.”stammered Kohinoor.

“That is exactly the point.  He told me and he never told you. He loved me more and trusted me more. You are a girl and no one needs girls. Even if you are the first born, he loved me more.” Ajmal replied pointing the gun towards her.

“W…what are y…you doing?” stammered Kohinoor shaking and as she did she spilled some juice on the floor.

“Father is in a better place now and so you shall go there too. What is the problem? Do you not love Father? It is ok, do not cry. We are going to join Daddy.”

“If we go, who will support mother?” spoke Kohinoor making sense.

“Rubbish! You never loved father as much as I did” Ajmal broke down and started crying.

“Ajmal, don’t cry. Everything will be alright.”

“No, shut up” said Ajmal recovering. “Nothing will be alright. I have to make everything alright and I will.”

 He again pointed the gun at his sister but this time he pulled the trigger. The bullet hit her in the chest and the plate she was holding fell down from her hands. The glass broke, spilling all the juice. She fell down with a thud on the floor and her blood stained her T-shirt. Kohinoor’s mouth was wide open as she fell down but she did not shout. Instead whispered in Ajmal’s ears “It’s okay. I forgive you, just take care of mummy.” Ajmal put her head on his laps and his tears fell on her forehead. “Don’t cry it is alright.”

“Please sister, forgive me. I was out of my mind I …” he couldn’t complete his sentence for even before he said ‘sorry’ her head dropped down and she had passed away.

Ajmal realized what he had done and fell on his knees. Tears were running down his cheeks like a brook. His misery was increased by the fact that he could not even say sorry to his sister before she passed away. Suddenly in that unholy hour the doorbell rang.

“Ajmal open the door. It is your mom.”

Ajmal went and opened the door, wailing just like before.

“What happened son? Did Kohinoor hurt you? Tell me, I will twist her ears if she did so. Anyways cheer up because she got you the videogame that you wanted for a long time. It was meant to be a secret so don’t tell her that I told you so. She got it so that you both could play with it.” Asked Ajmal’s mom still surprised because she could not understand the reason behind her son’s behavior.

Ajmal fell on his knees and put his head on his mother’s feet, crying like he never cried before.

Reviews

[AK]

It was very nice, really. With just a little refining it could become mind blowing.
When you start the story, it may sound better if you also depict the scene of their father's death. As you are not writing in the first person(which if you had would make it a lot tougher), you are free to shift from one person's thought's to the other. Use this fact to your advantage and explain Kohinoor's and Ajmal's thoughts and depression upon their father's expiry. Try making the dialogue more natural and use 'exclaimed','stammered','blurted', etc. Instead of plain old 'said'. I also noticed that in some places it is confusing as we, the readers don't know who is saying which line. Just try looking at that. Also, I would prefer if you give a little more explanation on why Ajmal killed his sister. When their mother arrived, try expressing Ajmal's feelings-guilt, remorse, so on. And yeah show the emotions don't tell them. (Like, show-his heart raced at the speed of a bullet; tell-he was scared)
Oh and just because I'm telling you soo much doesn't mean I didn't like this beautifully penned piece of yours. It was exquisite and I think it needs a lot more recognition. Try adding a lot of people as your friends(no one rejects requests really) and send them read requests. That way a lot more people will comment on this story of yours. Great job!

[Prashanth Ashok]

Good one !

[brandi nicole]

you have a very bright future....please continue your writing!

[Midnight Queen (Amanda)]

great :)

[R.A. Youngblood]

This is very emotional and kind a bit sad.. But i like it..
Thanks for sharing, Well done :D

[Kat]

It's a painful story. Beautiful in it's way but very painful. Now on a more technical note, you changed the young mans age part way through the story. You started out saying that he was 12 then later said that he was no longer acting like a 15 year old. Consistency is very important in good writing. You have potential, just needs work.

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

i enjoy the drama in this short little story

[Her Guardian Angel]

This is great. simple and sweet.

[Thrinna Mae]

Very touching and you captured the emotions here very well...Thanks for sharing...
:)))

[exotic flotsam]

Surprisingly intense. Straightforward until Ajmal shoots. Emotionally weighty at first then takes an unforeseen turn. Edit this with your sharpest eye. The story in here is good. Pollish would make the story edgy. Curious that he has such a quick change of heart. I would have considered ending the story at "Don't cry it is alright." for an emotional detonation. Edit your work evaluating every word. I think it has geat potential. Let if flow clearly, naturally, especially in dialogue passages. I let this kind of stuff sit after I write it, then look again, another time, subjecting it to Edit Death. Ponder every word, and the arrangement of words you leave. Your time line is spot on. Keep your belief in your story. Reveal it to us as you feel it unroll.

[Tamia123]

I cryed reading this :( A siblings love is deep and lasts forever. No matter what you'll always have each other. This was amazing!