Alive but not living.

Living after the death of a life-long love

In armchair old his body slumped
beside the unlit fire,
in a rested state, serenaded by
that evenings crickets choir.

Old and weary, bathed and clean
fresh clothes against his skin,
a hearty meal he'd tiredly ate
lay heavy deep within.

His age lined face, sun baked and dry,
fatigued, tired eyes half shut,
a ribbon red on jaw line shaved
where carelessly he'd cut.

Strains of "their" song filled the air
a smile played 'cross his lips,
he pictured his wife of fifty years
as she was all breasts and hips.

A tear he wiped from parchment cheek
a tear of loss and love,
two years now since she left his arms
to wait for him above.

Two years alive not living
he wanted off life's ride,
ready now in prayer he'd asked
to be taken to her side.

Author's Note

Might have tenses muddled,confuse myself at times

Reviews

[Matthew Kult]

Tenderly sentimental

Great Read

Matthew

[Gee]

Thank you...

[Matthew Kult]

Welcome

Matthew

[barleygirl]

This is beautifully crafted with strong rhyme & rhythm. Love it! I have seen this man many times over. You've painted it so realistically, with careful but not overdone details - perfectly understated, just like this man. They are living alone in cabins & mobile homes, dotting the hills around me . . . (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Gee]

Thank you..

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Beautiful
Moving
Sentimental

[Gee]

Thank you..

[joeysick]

Hello! I run an Instagram account that promotes the work of others, I am in love with this piece and was wondering if I’d be able to post it *you will be credited of course*

[Gee]

No but thanks for reviewing

[Poetic Beauty]

My grandpa prayed a lot and would talk out loud in his room to my grandma after she passed away. He missed her terribly.

[Gee]

That's sad. If there is a God, which I doubt, I'd selfishly ask he take me before my wife as life without her would be no life at all.
Thank you

[Poetic Beauty]

It was heartbreaking to hear him tell her how much he missed her. They were married over 50 years when my grandma passed

[Tazeen Ahmed]

The title looks so crisp and creative.
Wow! You've described it so well to form images in my mind.
Kudos:)

[Gee]

Cheers......

[Lorry]

So many truths in your words here Gee. My Mum has been waiting fifteen years to be with my Dad again. Fifteen years of living as half of who they were, never morbid, just ready. What are meant to be our golden years, our twilight, becomes a punishment for outlasting others, staring at that fireplace and wishing, wishing, wishing.
A truly beautiful and profound piece.

[Gee]

Thank you Nemo, hoping I pop my clogs before the good lady wife, but not for a wee while yet

[LawrenceRaybon]

Beautiful, bittersweet poem. I saw my grandfather go through exactly this after my grandmother passed away. The imagery is amazing, ‘old and weary, bathed and clean’ and ‘Two years alive, not living,’ spoke to me.

Some constructive criticism:

In the first stanza the meter feels off to me, specifically the ‘serenaded by,’ part. I read ‘serenaded’ as having four syllables maybe in should have three. Also I would drop the ‘s’ on ‘crickets’ to make it ‘cricket choir’. It just rolls off the tongue easier that way.

In the second stanza, ‘a hearty meal he’d tiredly ate,’ struck me, because my grandfather basically stopped eating much after grandma died, though he would put the same portions on his plate. So I read the line and thought, ‘a hearty meal he’d hardly ate,’. Just a thought.

In the fourth stanza, ‘he pictured his wife of fifty years,’ the image is good but the meter feels off. How about, ‘he sees his wife of fifty years,’?

Again, wonderful poem, I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Disclaimer: None of what I have written was meant as an attack. It is simply me trying to help make the piece the best it can be through constructive criticism. All of the above is my opinion and as such the author can take it or ignore it as they wish!

[Gee]

Hi Lawrence, I will look at your suggestions and tweak as required, thank you. No need for the disclaimer, criticism, suggestions, praise welcomed equally. For me this is just a way to pass some time so nowt that I wtite is so precious to me that I would take offence. Thank you for an in depth review and also your suggestions to improve, most appreciated.

[Maria12]

Your metre is perfect and I only saw one possible grammar point It is really beautiful expressing with great success the way this man is feeling after eating his dinner and sad thoughts and feelings wander into his mind as he rests.I think it is wonderful

[Gee]

Thank you kindly

[Paul Bell]

I suppose losing someone is bad enough, but being unable to cope with the memory must be devastating.
Life's ride is a long one. Great write.

[Gee]

Hopefully Paul, hopefully. Thanks for having a read and commenting