On A Balmy Summers Night | WritersCafe.org | The Online Writing Community
On A Balmy Summers Night

On A Balmy Summers Night

A Poem by Gee
"

Just simple words

"
Shooting stars through diamond studs
the pallid moon looked on,
a breeze roused sleeping summer leaves
but briefly, then was gone.

A fox bark echoed, trailed away
through spinny and beyond,
nothing stirred, the lillies slept
atop the night stilled pond.

'cross barleyed acres all at peace
through farmyard ever on,
silence played on balmy night
a symphony an' song.

'Til sunrise lit the eastern sky,
then man stirred, woke again,
serenaded soft to 'nother day
by bird calls sweet refrain.

How beautiful this life we live
what wonders to behold,
more beauty found in nature's gifts
than platinum and gold













© 2018 Gee



Author's Note

Gee
Quickly written before toodling off to work...hopefully ok !! Have added 4th stanza, does it fit ???

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Reviews

excellent. I agree, partly, with emipoemi about the 4th line. I read it again with that in mind. It is the very kind of review I appreciate to myself. One that can help me rethink from anothers point of view. That said, line 4 also fits, since mankind is part of this planet of beauty (not just the destroyer of it as some believe). I tend to prefer the whole word (another) and allow the meter to falter slightly when necessary. Though I have also used forced contractions to make it feel right. He is merely stirring, so maybe that's worth a look - in addition to the word being used up between the foxes and lillies already. Anyway, nice wordcrafting!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thank you kindly
Came to this via Discover Gee, and I like it very much. You have captured a mood, and the gentle rhythm of the meter almost gives it a Betjeman-type ambience. You have some lovely descriptive lines. I especially like:
- A fox bark echoed, trailed away, through spinny and beyond
- 'cross barleyed acres all at peace
- How beautiful this life we live (some vague distant memory of this sceptred isle or crown ...?)

I thought the an' after symphony was a bit odd, however, and I also thought that the meter (or lack of) in the 'serenaded' line jarred things a bit.

Very nice work!

BRs Nigel

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thanks Nigel, will have a look when time and try to polish
This is a beautiful piece of poetry with a Wordsworthian vibe (à la "Lines Written in Early Spring"....only at night). The imagery is powerful, and the flow is relatively mellifluous. ¡Fantastic! You ask whether the 4th stanza fits, now that merely depends on how one looks at it. For it's yes and no, but to me it's heavy on the "no". The "yes" factor is that Man is in their own way a part of nature, so to appear in the poem is good. But their presence is undermined by the fact that they're not described as doing anything but "stirring", which doesn't say much. Furthermore, with the title containing "night", to speak about "day" entirely in one stanza would imply a finale, which is kind of undermined and at the same time undermines what you have already as the final stanza. Were "day" to only be mentioned at the end of the stanza, it would work better (and find some other way to incorporate Man). Otherwise, I'd strike the stanza altogether, for the stanzas 1, 2, 3, and 5 paint a good enough picture that doesn't require more to be said.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thank you for such an in depth review
emipoemi

1 Year Ago

you're very welcome.
And moreover, hardly simple.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thanks Maxwell
Good stuff, Gee. Love it. Enjoyed.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Simple and gentle metaphor; a pleasant read. Thanks.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Cheers Matt
I think the 4th. stanza is perfect, and a good addition as it brings man into the scene along with the images of nature. Your words flow; all 'tis lovely!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thank you Sheila
I love the images you have created in this gorgeous poem....so vivid..so real..and the rhythm and rhyme is spot on. A pleasure to read! Julie

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thank you Ms J
Your submission is now read in the http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Nature%2C-Auroras%2C-Lights%2C-Trees%2C-Water%2C-Outdoors-Contest/54059/ please stay tuned for the winning poems. Thank you for your entry.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Further beautiful well crafted writing, ys, for me the fourth stanza does fit and it brings everything together so very well

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Cheers George, appreciate your kind words
George Coombs

1 Year Ago

Your welcome

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Added on May 9, 2017
Last Updated on May 18, 2018
Tags: Summer

Author

Gee
Gee

Milton keynes, United Kingdom



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Simple stuff scribbled badly....under no illusions as to my limitations. Not always politically :) more..

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