prologue

“The longer her soul stays the longer you may have control” Mural states,“And you may not have enough time to talk-”, She is cut off by an angry outburst from Hades,

         

 “How you tempt the fates, you know very well I can’t keep her captive, for what revenge Poseidon would bring on me”    

        

   “But her mother died in birth, you will let the girl go eventually. Just don’t haste. Poseidon is weak” Mural interferes.

         

  “No” Hades says firmly. Mural then sends him an evil glare. “My Lord.” Mural growls.

          Where am I? What am I doing here? Why can’t I move…? What's my name? Ah, it’s… Nurae.

         

 “Hello, my dear” Hisses a sinister voice. Nurae feels the presence of the man, an evil, despicable man.

         

 “Why do you reek of death? You are no friend and you seem to dislike me. I may not be able to see you, but I have an excellent sense of smell!”,Nurae says, slightly irritated by the scent grating at her nose.

                                  Many Years Later

               The world was too big. I grew too fast, and I lost the sense of myself I’d ever had… it felt so undignified, this world the reeked of death.

 

            It was like, what the hell was my problem? 

Was it even my fault that even after fifteen years they still wouldn't let me see the surface…?

 

My dad was kind of the God of hell, you know, Hades the big man underground if you were terrible enough he might even decide on your eternal punishment.

 

      I knew I wouldn't be seeing anything like daylight if my dad had any say (which he did).

            

So I could settle for rocking out in the home of heroes… you know Elysium the haven in hell since if you thought long and hard about it, if you saw it in hell you ruled out heaven.

It was my only place of peace in the home of the damned.

 

Reviews

[smclopez]

I'm just jumping into this but I had to read it twice to get a sense of structure. I didn't understand what was happening at first. My only constructive criticism would be to smooth it out a little more to make the transition more clear. A little bit more meat on the bones to lay out the scene.

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and guess your a Percy Jackson Fan. This sounds very similar. I'm not sure who Mural or Nurae is though Nurae does ring a bell in my greek mythology memory. I'm surprised you didn't mention Persephone Hade's wife queen of the underworld Daughter of Zeus and Demeter but whatever that's ok. This felt very scattered and I find some parts unclear particularly in the second half but overall this isn't bad I would like a better idea of the plot from the prologue but perhaps you have given us all we need

[Nadia]

I like where this is going. There seems to be great potential. Keep it going!!

[Vaporvision]

A good beginning to a story, that actually seems like something I would partake in reading on a personal level. If you'd like, because I like you X3 I can edit it grammatically and send it back to you.

[Emilia Cole]

okay but how do i send it to you

[Vaporvision]

I can just copy and paste this.

[Emilia Cole]

okay go ahead you have me's permission

[Vaporvision]

Do you think I can have a deeper explanation of the beginning of the prologue? I'm a bit confused on the manner of what's being said.

[Emilia Cole]

well hades had a demi-god steal poisodens child from the mortal world and mural tells him to keep her which you can tell he later decides to do but she is only ten when it happens so they basically brainwash her into believing hades is her father.

[Vaporvision]

Okay, thanks. That'll get back to you eventually. I might rewrite a bit, or add an extra part if you don't mind that. Just to better describe the situations.

[Emilia Cole]

kay and i dont mind

[Vaporvision]

When she says that the child mother died in birth, why is she referencing that?

[Emilia Cole]

to say no one will miss her

[Vaporvision]

Aha, thanks. Also, I will add in a part to better describe the transition of time. It might not be until tomorrow though, I'm going on lunch break now. Let's do this thing :) Link project.

[Emilia Cole]

cool lol just got home

[Vaporvision]

Welcome home then :3

[Emilia Cole]

hehe hai!!!!

[Yui Tarsis]

Wow, this is starting out great! If you need any help, I could give assistance in formatting your story so it's easier and more pleasant to read. The actual plot is great! I'm looking forward to seeing more of this!

[Emilia Cole]

thanks ill try harder

[Yui Tarsis]

It's not that it's bad. It's actually quite good! Just a tip: put new indents after every line of dialogue and every paragraph.
Example:

I feel a tap on my shoulder. Turning quickly, I realize that it's only my friend, Marie!

"Hiya, Kayla!" She says with a cheeky grin.

"Hey Marie. Couldn't find anyone else to flirt with?" I ask teasingly.

We laugh together, her hitting my shoulder lightly.

Something like that. Otherwise, it's actually a very nice story! Good luck!