Remote Control

Remote Control

A Poem by HopelessPursuits
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This poem expresses the feeling of a total lack of control that comes with depression and anxiety. It is an expression of the desperate desire one has to control one's own life.

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Where is the remote for my life?

Most people live their lives searching only for a remote that controls

a box which shows moving pictures that tell a story.

But why?

We all should be searching for a magical remote that can control our own stories.

If you think about it, our own stories are the ones we have the least control over.

Movies and television shows change the stories they tell all the time to cater to our desires.

We can’t do that.

Our lives are chaotic and fun and messy and sad and hopeless and beautiful and fleeting all at the same time but there's one things our lives will never be.

Constant. 

Sure we have the power to change our lives for the good or for the better but our lives have more power to change us. 

It's the factors around us that make our lives as beautiful as a rain drop on a bright green leaf in spring or as dark as the clouds that brought that raindrop to us in the first place.

It's the friend that betrayed us, the partner that taught us how to love, the parent who never quite got the hang of the whole "unconditional love" thing, the grandparent who supported us endlessly that make our lives so changing.

What I wouldn't give to have a remote control to my life.

What would you use your remote for?

Some would use it to pause in a moment they hope will last forever.

Some would like to rewind to a time before they knew the pain and suffering that weighs so heavily on their heart.

A time where they can make different decisions and save themselves from the burden that comes with living.

But the most pensive question I could ever ask is ‘If I were to have a remote control that had the power to change my life, what would I do with it?”

The answer to that question is much more complicated.

I have no moments worthy of a pause button.

I know what you are thinking.

‘A shared laugh with friends, an intimate embrace shared with that special someone, surely those must warrant the use of that one button’

True, those moments are temporary and fleeting but they are meant to be.

These moments aren't meant to last forever because if they did, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate them.

See you have to live the bad times in order to appreciate the good ones.

Such is the cruel irony of life.

Sadness does not exist without the knowledge of joy.

I wouldn’t use this remote for something as mundane as avoiding pain or pausing happy moments.

No, I would use my remote to stop.

I’d stop my story.

I want to stop the sadness that crushes me.

I want to stop the happy times that I’m doomed to never fully enjoy.

I want to turn down the volume on the voices of the critics inside my head.

They tell me ‘You’re not good enough’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘Your story doesn’t matter.’

I want to rewind to a time where these voices didn’t ring in my head like the bells of that one church that never seemed to stop ringing.

Seeing as how I no longer remember such a time, that request might not be possible.

I want to surf the channels until I find one where I can start over new.

One where I don’t have to be this broken girl who can’t look at herself in a mirror without labelling herself with words that no one has ever called her but that everyone should call her because 'behind her fair facade and her smile, she's not so sweet and innocent.'

Claims the voices which seem to ring ever louder still from the steeple of that church inside my mind which tells me I'm not good enough, that if a God even exists he could never love me.

I want to change my input until no one else’s matters.

I’ve missed the chance to see my favorite show.

I’ll forever be stuck watching this one on repeat.

Until I press stop.

© 2017 HopelessPursuits


Author's Note

HopelessPursuits
I know this one's really dark but please just let me know what you think or if anyone else out there is feeling a similar way, feel free to let me know, I'm always here to talk. Please leave me your thoughts!

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Added on December 14, 2017
Last Updated on December 14, 2017
Tags: Depression

Author

HopelessPursuits
HopelessPursuits

FL



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Just a twenty something girl expressing the angsty, depressed thoughts I was supposed to have outgrown by now more..

Writing