Untamed at Birth.

Rhyme and Meter

Laura girl, baby-girl, you're only two months old.

This crib you're in won't last too long;

You're acting too darn bold!

Laura girl, child-girl, what are you up to now?

Your tempestuous mood is wild enough

To hurt you soon somehow.

Laura girl, teenage-girl, tell me where you've been? 

Flaunting your chest to older boys 

Will lead to a life of sin. 

Laura girl, troubled-girl, no wonder you're in jail,

That deadly dance with illegal drugs 

Left you ruined and frail.

Laura girl, tragic-girl, the cops were at our door.

That car crash robbed your precious life

A beer was on the floor.

Laura girl, silent-girl, you look like you're asleep. 

Your maple casket shines so nice;

Your white dress looks so sweet.

Laura girl, angel girl, we're sending you our love.

Our broken hearts can only pray

You're somewhere up above.

Reviews

[Katerina Grev]

I think something you captured very well, maybe without even realizing, is how people will notice your troubles but will only offer judgement rather than help until it is much too late. I love your artistic choices, always adding to the story.

[Relic]

:) Thank you.

[rowan.taylorrr]

very very sad, it makes me feel many things. I love the way it's organized.

[Relic]

Thank you very much. :)

[SJ Mullins]

Very sad. Choices always have consequences, as your poem clearly shows. Well done!

[Relic]

I'm reminded of Chris Cornell in reading your review. You are right. Thanks.

[SJ Mullins]

You're welcome. :)

[Kelly Scheppers]

This is what I refer to as "poetry with a pulse". Such a heartache, but very well versed, Tim!

[Relic]

Thanks very much Kelly. :)

[MCS]

Very nice write...
Here's hoping for a different ending

[Raven Moonchild]

Awwwww!!!! This poem is beautiful and he end nearly made me cry. :)

[Relic]

I'm glad you liked it, thank you. :)

[Raven Moonchild]

And thank you for sharing. :)

[Shannon]

A sad progression. I wonder what could've changed it.

The concept is unique and powerful.

I would encourage you to look at 'cops' and 'looks so nice' to tighten up the writing.

[Relic]

Okay, thanks shannon.

[Relic]

Any suggestions?

[Shannon]

Would police change the flow to dramatically?

Your maple casket is beautiful?
A maple casket frames your face,
Now all I do is weep?

[Relic]

Police may work. 'Looks so nice'....not descriptive enough? Beautiful seems out of rhythm to me. I read that you should put the most important parts at the end of a sentence.

[Shannon]

I think the end of the sentence is a theory.

Beautiful may not work. But looks so nice is not descriptive and a bit bland.

[Relic]

Theory? Never heard of that.

I know what you mean. I'll think about it.

[Relic]

....................Better?

[Shannon]

What do you think?

[Relic]

I like it better.

[Shannon]

I agree with you. I rather like your choice.

[Relic]

Okay, good. Thanks for telling me. :)

[Shannon]

I'm big on constructive reviews, especially for people I know are interested.

[Gee]

A life lived and lost, so very well told. How many parents of kids, both sexes, would be able to relate. Countless says I

[Relic]

I'm sure you're right Gee, thank you.

[J. J. Nightingale]

I've known many "Laura's"... and viewed the endings..
wondering what happened..in between .

Sad truth..................

Jazzy

[Relic]

Thank you Jazzy. :)

[J. J. Nightingale]

You are welcome.... well done !!!!!

[Enchanted-Raven]

oh how very sad...I love the way you wrote, flowed beautifully :) x

[Relic]

Thank you Raven. :) x