No Escape

No Escape

A Story by James Jones
"

I feel them.

"
I see the color green.
Crooked wildlife, the smell of fish guts on an open fire.
Something is here.
I feel the disaster.
I see the dread.
I taste iron and copper in my mouth.
The air is thick. Am I losing my mind?
I feel pins and needles in my neck, I hear a low humming sound from behind me.
what is that?
"WHY ME GOD?!"
Its getting closer.
I run.
Suddenly I see myself.
Standing right in front of me.
I have no eyes.
He smiles and disappears.
I look in my hand.
I'M HOLDING MY EYE
She stands in front of me...Its her.
She plucks my last eye out.
I feel excruciating rips and tears on my back and groin.
I scream but the deep hum drowns it out.
Its all I can hear..
There is no escape...

© 2017 James Jones



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Lines 1-8 were written well. They were engaging and had beautiful description. It's well-furnished and concrete. However, the following lines become over-dramatic, gimmicky, vague, angsty, and cliche. I would suggest revising this and perhaps developing some of the imagery in the latter lines while leaving out the interjections and gimmicks.

Posted 10 Months Ago



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Added on August 17, 2017
Last Updated on August 17, 2017