Good Morning, Beautiful

Good Morning, Beautiful

A Chapter by Idiotekque
"

Waking up on an unknown world is not a nice feeling ...

"

Chapter One

 

It was cold. Really cold.

 

“No way, this one’s still ticking.” A muffled voice broke the silence.

 

The silence… It felt fragile, like something that had been kept for a long time. Like a priceless relic that shattered as the simple phrase sounded out. But it was gone now, replaced by shuffling feet and reverberations of movement against the walls. There was a sharp hiss of air; it surrounded me, buffeting against my face and forcing me to wake up.

 

“It’s just a kid…” Another voice murmured.

 

Just a kid? A twinge of bruised pride sprung up, but confusion quickly took its place. Maybe I was just a kid. What was I exactly? A boy, a girl? fifteen-years-old, fifty? Everything was just… blank. And cold, did I mention that?

 

“Easy, we don’t even know if he’s stable.” A male cautioned, his tone almost scolding.

 

Alright, he. Nice to know.

 

“I know what I’m doing.” A fourth voice replied; a younger one, female, still different from the others.

 

Four different voices, four people. I could make out a blurred figure now, but my eyesight was terrible. Wherever I was, it wasn’t bright, but that only reduced the trauma of the entire experience and replaced it with more confusion. It felt like I had a screen over my vision.

 

“You’re awake? Wow, here let me help…” She spoke again.

 

The figure in front of me was the youngest one. She reached towards my face and pulled something away from my head; a device of some kind. Just as soon as it came off, my vision returned.

 

“Hi there.” She smiled warmly, her eyes meeting mine.

 

For my first sight, it was nice. Her eyes were soft like her bronze skin, amber, glimmering in spite of the dim environment. Her hair was deep black, pulled back into a short ponytail with only a few stray locks finding their way down to frame her youthful face. I managed a smile back; at least I think I did. It didn’t last.

 

As quickly as my sight returned, the girl was pulled to the side, the pleasing image replaced with a menacing looking weapon aimed in my face.

 

“Who are you?” The male voice returned from behind the barrel of the gun.

 

“I-I…” My words returned slowly, caught in my throat. “I don’t know. What’s going on? Where is this?”

 

I would have raised my hands in submission, but just as quickly the man retracted his weapon to allow someone else to move before me. “Give him some space. I don’t think this one’s in any shape to do damage.”

 

She was older than the rest, probably in her twenties or thirties, although the way she held herself and spoke went beyond her years. A leader? Either way, better her than the other guy. The lack of a gun in my face gave me a chance to look around. I was in a cell of sorts, encased at my sides by transparent material that had long become opaque from dust and grime. Some sort of door was slid down to my waist in front of me, revealing my upper body. My arms and legs were still held in place somehow though.

 

The young female moved over to an interface near the front of my tiny prison. “Here… Let me get you out.” She glanced at me, before shooting the male a little sneer.

 

“Do you really think-” He spoke up, but the woman cut his comment short.

 

“Relax Tavis.” She crossed her arms, watching as the girl punched commands into the device.

 

The front of the cell slid down, and with another sharp hiss of air my arms and legs came free of whatever was holding them.

 

Not good.

 

A moment later I was a crumbled heap of limbs on the ground. Looks I was a little out of practice with the whole standing thing. The girl moved over to me, helping me to my knees and putting a loose piece of material over my shoulders. That was nice, I was freezing.

 

“Thanks.” I shivered, looking to her.

 

“Better get a gun pointed at him Tavis, he looks dangerous.” Another female leaned up against a wall behind the rest muttered in a mocking tone.

 

She was older than the younger one, but not by much. Her hair was dark too, but it was brown, not black. Sun-bleached highlights ran through it, accenting her tanned skin. As young as she was, the look on her face was much different than the girl beside me though. Harder. The conflict in her eyes felt like a silent messenger; I just couldn’t hear what they were telling me.

 

The man sniffed, holstering the weapon and frowning. Pleasant fellow.

 

“I’m Tyr.” She flashed that warm smile again. In all honesty that smile did more than the cloth around me did. “This is Jane,” She gestured to the older woman. “that’s Alyssa,” The girl behind them nodded. “and I think you’ve already met Tavis.” She giggled faintly, wrapping up her introductions.

 

“Charmed.” The man shrugged.

 

The meet and greet was great, but I still had no idea of where in the world I was. Or even who I was for that matter. It’s odd being asked to identify yourself when on the inside you’re asking the same question. The only lead I had was my surroundings. Maybe something familiar would jog my memory.

 

Maybe.

 

“Where are we? Everything’s really foggy, I’m sorry.” I asked my new friend, glancing around the dusty corridor.

 

“Underneath Delhi.” She nodded. “Well, it was called New Delhi I’m told, but it doesn’t look so new anymore, so everyone just calls it Delhi.”

 

“He doesn’t need a history lesson, dear.” Jane cut in softly.

 

“Right,” She blinked, seeming to collect her thoughts. “Can you fire a gun?”

 

Wasn’t expecting that one. Looks like Mr. Personality wasn’t the only one packing.

 

“Why?” I replied simply. What else could I say?

 

“Central isn’t exactly the friendliest place, Frosty.” Alyssa answered, moving up to me and dropping something on my lap; quite a nasty looking little handgun.

 

Frosty? I definitely didn’t ask for that nickname.

 

“Alright, I get it.” I nodded, examining the weapon and looking down the sights… and right at a corpse on the ground.

 

Besides tripping over my own feet two minutes earlier, I think I had handled myself well enough so far. I don’t think I yelped"per se"at the moldy old corpse in front of me, but it was certainly a grunt and cowardly backwards scamper to my feet.

 

“Who’s that?” The words had hardly left my lips before I realized how stupid they were.

 

Tavis groaned, rolling his eyes. “In that case, you shouldn’t look around this nice little facility. Skies forbid you see a dead body or two.”

 

My stomach sank. Whatever sort of contraption I was in when they found me, mine wasn’t the only one. Up and down the hall as far as the darkness allowed me to see, stations housing pods like mine littered the walls, one after another. Hundreds of them, and they just kept going. Some were cracked and dismantled, some were open, but most were just sitting there. Dull and faded, covered over with dust and grime. They weren’t active, none of them were except for mine. This was a crypt.

 

I sighed, putting my face in my hands. A rough beard met my fingers, course and thick. I hadn’t had a chance to shave in awhile apparently.

 

“I get it. What’s happened since I’ve been in that… thing?”

 

Jane shook her head, pulling out some sort of walky-talky. “We’ll play twenty-questions later. Blackbird, what does it look like up there?”

 

We all stood there for a few seconds, the musty air making everyone just a little more uncomfortable than they already were. I didn’t want to be underground"here"anymore.

 

“Repeat, Blackbird, what is your status? Over.” She stated calmly into the receiver, her fingers seeming to do a faint dance over the handle of a holstered weapon at her side. Even the serious one was getting nervous.

 

The second ‘over’ said to someone on a radio was never a good sign. Usually it meant whoever was on the other side was dead, or worse. I may have just come out of a proper coma, but I wasn’t stupid, and judging from all the dangerous toys, it looked like trouble was brewing.

 

“We’re too deep.” Tyr broke the silence, weak optimism in her tone. “The signal is bad, we just"”

 

“He’s in trouble or dead, Jane. What are we doing?” Alyssa slung the rifle on her back into her grip, sending a serious look towards the woman.

 

“Alright, back to the surface, double-time. Same route, we don’t need any surprises.”

 

Looks like things were about to get exciting. After a quick look over, I had shoes on my feet, a shirt on my back, and a gun in my hand. Kind of felt like I was starting from scratch, but at least I had some firepower and a few friends.

 

Hopefully I was on the right side.




© 2011 Idiotekque



Author's Note

Idiotekque
I'm open to criticism as brutally constructive as anyone who knows their stuff is willing to give. I'm a writing student, so I'm looking to refine my work as best I possibly can. Professional criticism is heartily appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

I like the plot very much so far and can't wait to see what their world is like. There were two things that bothered me, though. First is this passage: “This is Jane,” She gestured to the older woman. “that’s Alyssa,” The girl behind them nodded. “and I think you’ve already met Tavis.” She giggled faintly, wrapping up her introductions.

It seems as though you're counting the dialogue as separate from the sentences it's between, when it's not. I'm pretty sure this is more how it should look: “This is Jane,” she said, gesturing to the older woman. “That’s Alyssa,” she said and the girl behind them nodded before she continued, “and I think you’ve already met Tavis.” She giggled faintly, wrapping up her introductions.

You could mess with the wording some more so it's how you want it, however I'm fairly certain the majority of the grammar I used is correct. The only part I was unsure of was the comma after the word 'continued' but I don't really know how it's supposed to be or how to change it.

The second thing that bothered me was when the main character referred to the people who found him as his friends. Even if they were decent to him, I don't think they're friends. Companions, maybe.

Anyway, the story is pretty great and I'll definitely read more of it.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Thanks for your thoughts, selkietales!

As for the grammar you're talking about there, I would definitely agree. I wrote this partly as practice whilst taking a writing course, so while I have looked over this and refined it to some degree, what you're seeing is for all intents and purposes, a first draft. Eventually I will get back to this story and clean it up quite a bit (including rewrites of some parts). Thanks for the heads up though!

And as for the usage of the word "friends", I do see where you're coming from. Still, the thought isn't so much the character actually thinking he has best buddies all of the sudden, but you'll find that he is someone who is very good at reading people. Therefore the word "friends" is more of a simple observation; a term loosely thrown upon a kindly group of people that he can tell mean him no harm. That isn't to say he thinks they're his buddies all of the sudden, it's really just a casual thought that doesn't mean a whole lot. I think "companions" sounds a little forced, but that's just me. Thanks for the thought though!

Posted 6 Years Ago


I like the plot very much so far and can't wait to see what their world is like. There were two things that bothered me, though. First is this passage: “This is Jane,” She gestured to the older woman. “that’s Alyssa,” The girl behind them nodded. “and I think you’ve already met Tavis.” She giggled faintly, wrapping up her introductions.

It seems as though you're counting the dialogue as separate from the sentences it's between, when it's not. I'm pretty sure this is more how it should look: “This is Jane,” she said, gesturing to the older woman. “That’s Alyssa,” she said and the girl behind them nodded before she continued, “and I think you’ve already met Tavis.” She giggled faintly, wrapping up her introductions.

You could mess with the wording some more so it's how you want it, however I'm fairly certain the majority of the grammar I used is correct. The only part I was unsure of was the comma after the word 'continued' but I don't really know how it's supposed to be or how to change it.

The second thing that bothered me was when the main character referred to the people who found him as his friends. Even if they were decent to him, I don't think they're friends. Companions, maybe.

Anyway, the story is pretty great and I'll definitely read more of it.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

@Caleb: Thanks for the comment. I understand it might seem a bit odd, and I thought about that too. In the end, waking up from cryosleep is an uneasy experience. Seeing as the character woke up in what is essentially a tomb, and has perceived the danger of the world as he sees how heavily armed everyone is, his train of thought is to stick with the people who gave him a gun and are being nice. I understand what you mean though; it is a rather odd scene!

Posted 7 Years Ago


i loved the characters as they are introduced in this book, you style of writing is very good, it doesn't give away to much but at the same time gives away enough to keep the reader on reading. The part i didn't like was where the boy is just going along with them with out question, but im sure that will change as i read further into the book. Great start though! Good read has tons of potential to grow into what ever story it wants

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

@TKBickel: Thanks for the review. The general confusion of this chapter is certainly going to be cleaned up thoroughly in the second draft. It is meant to be fairly cloudy because it's coming from the protagonist's perspective, and he's a little out of it. Still, it's not good to confuse your readers as to who's saying what at any given time.

Thanks for the thought.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I know you want the fundamental criticism but you are far out a better writer and have more experience than me. So if you don’t mind, I’ll give you a reader’s thoughts.
This is not a story for those people that skim read. Those people baffle me. You pack a lot of information and hints with every sentence.
I did get a little confused on what your John Doe was in. My first vision was him lying in something. Sorting out the girls is a challenge too. I also was confused on which one said “Relax Tavis”.
This is my kind of story. It pulls me out of my hum-ho reality and adds intrigue. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapters.


Posted 7 Years Ago


I am hooked, I can't wait to read more. I love how you have good description but it's not excessive so it doesn't get all flowery, it's the perfect amount. The plot's great as well.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Thanks for the review, Egress. As for the period/comma point, I tend to do that. Thanks for pointing it out.

Also thanks for pointing out the confusion of character there. It's quite difficult to manage a scene with more than two characters talking. So much so that many writing authorities will simply tell you not to have dialogue between more than two characters at once. Since I did have a number of characters here, I always try to make it very clear who exactly is talking. Reading that part again, I certainly messed up there. I'll be sure to fix that.

Posted 7 Years Ago


This is interesting. The only thing I see is a bit off is that you put a full stop between dialogue and action. ("Allright." he said)
As far as I know, most people use a comma if there's a dialogue tag after the dialogue. ("Allright," he said)

Oh, and there's one thing that confused me for a second.
'“I’m Tyr.” She flashed that warm smile again.'
Seeing as you have three females, it took me a while to process that the youngest girl is talking.


Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Thanks for finally getting to this, Derek. I'll be sure to pick apart your critique and apply what I can from it (especially concerning formatting, which I've paid no real attention to).

As for the "blank canvas", "blindfold" comments regarding the environment and not perceiving the apocalyptic qualities, there's actually more of a reason behind that (at least in this particular chapter). As the protagonist has just awoken, his perception is not on par with how it typically is with his character. This chapter actually aims for you to think to yourself "What is all this exactly?". In much of my writing, not only do I dislike telling the setting, I also am very stingy about showing it. I let on little by little. I think it keeps the reader guessing, adding a little more intrigue to a scene which could be quite drab otherwise.

In this scene, of course, when the protagonist does begin to perceive the environment around him, his focus is fixated on one thing and one thing only: the death. While when he first awakens, you see how much the "setting" around him is perceived when he examines this girl. He doesn't take much care to describe the man holding the gun in his face, does he? A key aspect of this story is how it is truly from the protagonist's perspective. As you delve further into the tale, you'll see the manner in which he examines people, places, and the new world around him. Again though, in this chapter he is doing very little of that. The setting is dusty and droll, and besides the pretty girl and the death all around, he isn't paying a lot of attention to detail in his foggy state of mind. He's been frozen for God knows how long, remember?

Anyways, thanks for the comments! Hope you find the time to check out the next chapter soon.

Posted 7 Years Ago



First Page first
Previous Page prev
1
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

1172 Views
13 Reviews
Rating
Added on December 9, 2011
Last Updated on December 14, 2011
Tags: post-apocalyptic, cryosleep, life-support, pod, sleep, amnesia, death, crypt


Author

Idiotekque
Idiotekque

Makawao, HI



About
I'm 20 years old and I'm a writing student living in Hawaii. Writing is my passion, and I'm striving to break into the market doing something I really love. more..

Writing
Azur Azur

A Poem by Idiotekque



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


PARADOX PARADOX

A Poem by Muse