For Me

On feeling trapped or something like that...

Sing for me, sweet birdie,

Sing for the sky.

For every time I try myself,

The song withers and dies.

 

Fly for me, sweet birdie,

Fly towards the day.

For every time I try myself,

I can’t seem to get away.

 

Scream for me, sweet birdie,

Scream without fear.

For every time I try myself,

Someone is near.

 

Die for me, sweet birdie,

Die in silent peace.

For every time I try myself,

I can find no release.

Author's Note

I�m not sure if I like the third stanza in there, added it as an after thought really. If you have the patients reread it without it and tell me what you think. Thanx ^__^

Reviews

[L.V. Ana]

Hm. Just lost what I said....we'll try this again.

I really like this piece. It sounds good both with and without the third stanza (yes i reread it without the third one). Without though the final stanza sticks out quite a bit more...the first two stanzas sound wistful whereas the last one (without the third) sounds more bitter. It's a sharp change. With the third one the change is...easier almost. Flows more. It depends upon whether you want the final stanza to stick out or the poem to flow into it, I suppose. It works well both ways.

[Mr. Misanthrope]

One reason I like this poem is because of the stages you are going through with the bird in each verse. Again, well done on yet another brilliant poem, Illegitimate Artist.

-Luke

[blkberry4u]

Your piece has so much meaning and feelings wrapped up into it.

[Pj]

A great peom! I agree the third stanza kinda doesn't fit...but overall it was wonderful! The repetition of the bird was wonderful! The contrast between the freedom and capture :D

[Karen James]

A great write on trying to escape even though you're unable to. I think it's a little short without the third stanza but using "scream" is a bit harsh for the bird metaphor. One suggestion change to cry?

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I liked the overall theme portrayed by the piece. I agree with you that the third stanza doesn't really fit very well.

I would suggest replacing it with a stana about "Love" and what happens when you try to love. I think it would fit better and add more emotion into the piece that the reader can connect to.

Other then that I think it's wonderful. It fits your theme of being trapped or helpless very well.

Good work!
Maycroft