Nightsong love

A tender poem of love.

Sweetly take me into your nightsong,
Where under sapphire night skies we belong.
To speak of secret places and lovely dreams,
Where nightly creatures our anthem sing.

Where we are safe from all hate and scorn,
Where fragile love may never be torn.
Take me into your hungry arms,
Where I'm safe from savage harm.

Whisper lovely things into my ear,
Intoxicate me with the warmth of you near.
Here we exist, free as fireflies,
Enveloping the night and mimicking the starry sky.

We'll dance until dawn,
Wrapped in our nightsong.
The anthem will come to a bittersweet slow,
Where we will evaporate until the moon's next beckoning glow.

Reviews

[Ashley Renegade]

You have a very wonderful gift! Keep writing!

[Pete]

I think this is excellent. "Where we will evaporate until the moon's next beckoning glow." - fantastic

[Jessi]

Thank you!

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

It's Awesome!

We'll dance until dawn,
Wrapped in our nightsong.
The anthem will come to a bittersweet slow,
Where we will evaporate until the moon's next beckoning glow.

Your Nightsong Love Rocks!!

[Jessi]

Thank you so much!

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

Most Welcome :)

[Levi Levin]

Excellent piece of poetry! Very fitting words indeed.

[Jessi]

Thank you!

[Bear]

Critique: To keep your rhyme scheme there should be an s on the word sing in the fourth line of the first stanza.

Review: Very nice rhyme scheme, you were even able to make a near rhyme (dreams/sings) work, which can affect the flow but not so in this case. From your word choices, it shows you are articulate and semantic savvy, I look forward to reading more of your work :~)

[Jessi]

Thank you! Appreciate it.

[Nigel Newman]

Just to add to what I've said, I think the poem has a lovely feel to it. The thing I forgot to mention is that all the way through I was imagining a singer songwriter doing a gentle light piece to these words. I think the weight of my 'suggestions' may have given you an impression of 'lots wrong' but I assure you I see 'lots right' and wanted to try and redress the balance. Nice job!

[Jessi]

Thank you for your suggestions! And for taking the time to write such kind things. I'll look into revising it with your suggestions in mind! :) I will read Herbert as well.

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Jess. You sent a friend request so I thought I'd take a look. In your profile you mention an interest in writing for children, so I might seek a favour in return and ask you to look at 'Herbert ...'

Anyway I chose this poem as my sample, and I like it quite a lot. I have a couple of reservations or suggestions
- It felt to me as if you were pretty close to scanning and meter, but then it doesn't scan or meter. It feels like it should either scan or definitively not scan, and this felt a little betwixt and between. I even started to think of ways you could get it to scan (e.g. ne'er in place of never), but in the end I concluded that not scanning better suited the feel of the poem. In this respect, I love the final verse - I love it for its imagery and wonderful phrases; I love the rhythm in 'the anthem will come to a bittersweet slow'; I love the idea that the lovers will live again with 'the moon's next beckoning glow'
- In the middle two verses you veer a little close to cliche. Songsters have whispered things into ears for generations ('Under the moon of love' being the most obvious to spring to mind); I also think you've enslaved yourself in the confines of rhyme and meter in v2, and I think you clearly have the skill and soul to write with more freedom and joie d'amour
- In a similar vein, sorry but people have danced till dawn since time began. While I love v4 I think with a little imagination you could find something else 'we' could do until dawn; e.g. 'One until' 'We loved until' 'Joined until' etc etc
- Here we exist ... hmmm ... 'exist'? when you then say free as fireflies. Seems a tad underwhelming to me.

One of the other things I like about it is the way it almost circles back to the beginning, which ties in with the title and the sense that love and souls can come to life under the moon and stars.

So Jess, I hope you don't mind all these comments and suggestions. I promise you I wouldn't bother unless I liked what was already there and saw potential for it to be, in my eyes, better yet. As always, feel free to completely disregard, or as one former colleague used to say 'file under B (for bin)'.

Cheers
Nigel