Vamp recovery

A strong and rough gale flew North onto the tennermous sky of a cosmic but sparsely populated town, Mystic falls. The founders community and residents had to evict after experiencing the abhorrent and barbaric event that took place on the fortnight, where the crescent moon was peering behind the deceased trees. As soon as it stroke 12 the chimes from the tower just beside the mystic grill began to resrisedly chime until the 7th chime an immense fire lavished out from the ancient windows, held together by a weak substance due to the lack of money the founders community had gathered over a course of 50 years. The fire held captive the souls of innumerable residents residing in MF including three members of the founders community. It took a day until the fire was completely extinguished and the hospitals were packed with numerous ill patients, yelping for treatment. That night a meeting was held afar from the destructed sight of the west of Mystic Falls, the founders and the sherief gathered to discuss the causes of the fire, however all of their assumptions backfired after Herman, one of the eldest founders received an almost terrorizing message from an unknown number it read “The fire,the fire we had created to let you know we screech so deep. We won’t be at ease until we receive  justice from ‘Her’ she the one to the right of you.” A billion questions dashed through their minds as they realised they failed to track down the number. Who was this ? What has Anastasia (another founder) done to them ? How do they know us ? Why are they doing this ? And predominantly, what did they mean by justice?

The next morning was wearisome and people were shifting up and down Selton  bridge noiselessly, it was as if everyone was internally mourning. In Courter street building, number 53; the sherief sat with her beautiful daughter, Elena, who looked around 15 and had long, nearly white blonde hair, that cascaded in a waterfall of curls down to her waist, but …..there was something about her face, her eyes..they were dark, almost black but bloodshot and crazed. The mother and daughter, together began searching bling for incidents to do with the mystic tower almost 5 decades ago, they found a witness of a happening that took place 19th January 1965, there was a large period of exsanguination as inhumane creature like figures took over Mystic Falls leaving corpse sprinkled over the soil. That’s all that was written and then a list of witnessesses who fortunately survived the list read : Maria Boymen- 34 Settle lane, Mystic Falls and beside that there was the hospital at which she recovered. The other name was Ion Himladder but with location ‘unknown’. Elena scammed back over at the scarce details of Maria Boymen, ‘Triffle Hospital’ was the hospital at which she recovered as a survivor and witness, although this hospital was not in town... It was in New Orleans. Elena thought for second before speaking out loud…”Mother, does this mean Maria escaped From Mystic Falls until she reached New orleans and then got her treatment?”

“I’m struggling to understand this situation, Elena. I think i will go pay her a visit to get some answers, with Martin, at 6pm”. The sheriff , Carolina set out to meet Martin and they both began their journey to Triffle hospital. The receptionist seemed suspicious, she was reluctant to tell us anything at all, in fact all the people there were; they marched around the place as if they were on another planet.

After they stir again, the sheriff and Martin finally got Maria’s address and eagerly sat in the car, enthusiastic to meet her. When they got to the destination addressed, a terrible shiver ran through them as they stepped out the car, it was almost another dimension suddenly everything changed. They walked until they pushed open the heavy gates, the touch of the iron bars, as cold as ice. Even though they could feel the unevenness of the old cobbled path beneath them, the bars were smooth in contrast to the crunching of the odd dead leaves that they were stepping on. Carrying on up the path the grass carried on forever into the horizon, a dull grey colour as if it had lost the will to live and stopped growing altogether. One lonesome Oak tree stood by the house swaying in the wind and as the wind swept by the tree whispered to the air and its surroundings. The moon shone bright white, in the cloudless sky, it was the only source of light that could be seen for miles. Owls occasionally fluttered by overhead, their silhouettes passing over the grass. The air was cold and numb and with every breath they drew a misty, chilly exhale followed.“Something’s wrong with this place, i think we should turn back Carolina!” Martin exclaimed with difficulty payable to the strong gusts pushing them backwards. “No, Martin we can’t go back without finding out the truth no matter what it takes, our people are dying there we have to do something to assist them, we may be close to finding a cure for there severe sufferings or an explanation as of to who did this or...” Carolina stopped trying to catch her breath then continued “or ...or ..why this happened?, we have to continue!” she proclaimed grabbing onto Martin’s hand to show him they’re together and they will succeed in what they are here to do.

As the house drew nearer everything around them became quieter and more distant. The trees murmuring couldn't be heard anymore and the cold iron gates were far, far back in the distance. Owls couldn't be heard anymore and there were no leaves on the ground, just some aged

concrete steps, and a doorway that stood in front of them.

From the outside, the house was tall and thin, made from large dark grey stones that had a rough feel all of this sandwiched together by crumbling cement. Climber Plants grew up the house winding around the drain pipes grabbing for the little sunlight that reached this desolate place. The windows rattled vigorously from the howling wind, as though they were about to fall out of the frames which were made from rotting wood being eaten away by woodworm. A few potted plants lay next to the door, once there for neat presentation now wilted and brown,almost certainly dead. The door had been left ajar possibly from many years or maybe Maria was actually in there. The couple walked through cobwebs and through thousands of pieces of shattered glass until Carolina tripped over and fell over a dead body, except it wasn't really dead it was almost half alive and was breathing normally...well maybe.

Author's Note

I gave up towards the end, but i tried :)

Reviews

[barleygirl]

People tell me all the time that I should write a book. But it's hard to keep my focus for a longer story, even. When I first started writing stories, people told me I ended them too suddenly & they wanted the story to go on. But I stick by my natural tendencies & I write short-short vignettes that sometimes do not go as far as people wish. Maybe that could be true for you, too. Maybe this is a nice practice piece for you to strengthen your storytelling abilities.

One reason you may have gotten tired of writing this . . . your storytelling is pretty complex & full of complicated ideas & descriptions & sometimes this comes out in overly-long sentences. If you were to simplify, it might make the writing feel more easygoing & not so tiresome. The first paragraph seems too complicated . . . maybe it would be good to cut this paragraph down to half the length. In an introduction, it's good to make simple, bold statements to provide a hook for your reader. State the general direction of things early on, without a lot of embellishment. That way, the reader forms an idea about the story & this can make it more irresistible to keep reading on. The way your first paragraph sounds right now, I did not feel I could identify what this story is about, so it wasn't as compelling.

The best paragraph is the one before the last. Here your long complex descriptions are still easy flowing & artful. The mood of the situation is conveyed clearly & the writing is well-done. The only thing I would recommend is to mix in some simple short sentences, to break up the longer complex sentences. Readers get lost or weary when every sentence is long & complex. Short simple statements can be used for emphasis & to break up the complexity of long flowing description. Also, short simple sentences can convey action better, as the longer complex sentences slow down the flow of your storyline.

Hopefully such ideas can help you find a more direct path to tell your story in future attempts to write a longer story. I'm not the type of person who likes to dwell on a story that doesn't feel right to me. Maybe it would be better to start a new story, instead of trying to sort this one out. Not every attempt at writing will be fully realized. If it's not feeling compelling to you as a writer, it won't be compelling to your audience, either. It's OK to think of these attempts as practice. It's not a crime to ditch something & start fresh! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Fatima]

Wow, that really did help me and give me a great head start for a new one and after reading your review i understand where i went wrong and what you mean, thanks a lot Margie, forever grateful for your helpful reviews. :P

[Delmar Cooper]

I hope you will keep working on this in your rewrite process. You have a lot of words invested in this, it would be a shame not to polish and present them to best advantage.

[Fatima]

Thank you Delmar and I'll try my best

[Coyote Poetry]

Never give-up. Come back later to finish. The story was very good. I liked the description of the location and the characters. The story line was very good. I liked the open ending. I wanted to read and know more. Thank you Fatima for sharing the story. I hope you write more.
Coyote

[Fatima]

Thank you Coyote, for your ever so kind words. I will try my best to continue it, if possible :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I hope you do and you are welcome Fatima.