This Unquiet Mind

Dancing on the flip side of mania means depressed any time, all the time. Sleep is my friend because in sleep at least I am dreaming and in my dreaming I can do anything without labels and drugs to suppress my longings. It is only when I sleep that I am manic.

Sometimes, like now, when I am high from praise and charged by poetic juices flowing in my veins, this unquiet mind reduces me to an insomniac, a stressful sign that the mania has escaped my dreamstate and is real, here, in the present.  And sometimes, like now, I can be both manic and depressed.

When I was 42, I was diagnosed as Bipolar, but looking back over my life, I think I’ve been bipolar since birth. I vaguely remember my youngest years, but I was always a loner, different, had very few friends and spent my time writing poetry or reading books. I preferred it that way. At least I thought I did. I couldn’t be bothered with silly school dances and slumber parties. I was a tomboy and tomboys didn’t do those kinds of activities, at least this one didn’t. I wrote dark poetry that often landed me in the principal’s office. They were afraid I was suicidal and just maybe, maybe I was.

As far back as I can remember there was always a voice in my head, an enchanting female voice that whispered things to me and I would often talk back to her. My parents thought I had an invisible friend, but they weren’t about to encourage such nonsense and tried to stifle that part of me. It didn’t work; I still hear her voice today. Her name is Evelyn. She whispered her name to me once in one of her hurried catch-me-if-you-can sessions. When I was in college in my early thirties, a second voice entered my head, a sad, yet just as enchanting voice. Her name is Catharine. She came to me first in a dream and has been with me for over ten years now. Following suit, a masculine voice joined the fray. His name is Stefano and he is my cavalier, my Anima. These are my muses which medication for my illness tries its damnedest to stifle as well, but they still get through; I just have to listen a little closer and put up with their middle of the night interruptions of sleep.

And then there are the evil voices, Slash and Demon. When depression smothers me, Slash’s voice is prominent in my head. He isn’t so much evil as devious. He wants the numbness to go away, but it is how he wants it that becomes destructive. With his encouragement, I take razors to skin and draw line after line until blood drips down my arms or legs. If this is ineffective, then Demon steps in. I cringe with fear at the mere mention of his name. Ten times he has tried to take me over. Ten times I have almost allowed myself to give in and go with him. Suicide is his game.

And so, dear reader, this is but a glimpse of the Bipolar mind. Always suffering, always in turmoil, always trying to be “normal” when there is nothing normal in a Bipolar’s life. Those who make it, struggle daily to live in the present, in the now. Our past is slowly being erased by our dis-order, our future is so uncertain, we dare not dream of it, and our now is all we have.

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

Its a beautiful mind though ,maybe its unique..you are not the first..
some who explored a lot ,and went deep through words to experiment
as how far they could get through a journey few ventured to take
most were lost partly on the way ,but they told of beautiful world they saw on the way
i read some you yourself seen,you never mingled ,you stayed on the side
lucky for you or not ,this is the beginning block for those explorers
i ask you to keep reading writing and exploring,those talking to you either will get really friendly
or you will be so busy you will not hear but lovely voices calling you
to explore even more,for you have to reach ,to get there,i am sure you will
lovely write..

[Raymond]

Interesting piece. I wonder however, if this is bipolar alone as "voices" tend to lend themselves to schizophrenia and physical infliction to borderline personality...all just labels really but these thoughts came to mind so...well there they are.

[Chris G. Vaillancourt]

very beautiful work

[Angela]

This rings true. mental illness isn't a joke. The suffering is immense and sometimes others just don't get it, particularly those closest to us. It's not a pull your boot straps up kind of thing. Thank you for sharing and reminding those out there that may not get it.

[Neva Flores - Changeful..]

Reading this Lori and thinking about the conversation you and I have had, I am beginning to see this in a new light :) Very well penned. I think so often doctor's misdiagnose bipolar and it makes it harder on those who truly do suffer with this. I actually get angry when I see how others have started laughing and using the term bipolar so loosely. They need to walk in those shoes just one day and then maybe they would watch their use a bit more carefully.

[Searching 4 Serenity]

Lori, I understand the thoughts you describe in this chapter. It does not make someone crazy. I believe that we ALL have similar events racing through our own minds, controlled by evil entities.. ... I think there are a lot of people who can agree that they often see life in a very DARK viewpoint.

[Ladysue]

you voice very powerful. this is sad and it is disheartening to see people suffer this way or in anyway...this was well crafted..

[Tommy]

Amen Lori, amen. Normal, yes how would it be? I get glimpses of it at times, but they never last. The constant feel that we are fighting good and evil. I hate it, but I have to live with it; it is my life...

Great Write!
RLG,
Tommy

[Tate Morgan]

Bipolar is a terrible curse to some We as writers seem to champion these deseases more than others Perhaps the unquiet mind is a sign of acceptance by us all

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Suffering is what we were put here for so some few say.. but in this way?
This is so heartbreaking to know many people who suffer this way, Lori.
Brave are you to write of it.

Chloe