Leave the pieces

Maybe broken is better. I never thought I would say that. However, after the last 10 years give or take it seems to hold true. My name isn't important, but my story and its marks might be. 

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and a woman is strong in the best and worst ways. As for myself, I am (was) a shy girl with an overactive imagination. I am too nice, some would say, but I can be nice until it isn't niceness anymore. I am a total nerdy book worm and proud. I was an easy target for what happened because of my personality, but that doesn't mean I am blameless either. 

Honestly, if I didn't have such stage fright acting might be a good job for me. For 20 years I played pretend and I played it so well I even believed the lie. I have been doing since I was five and my parents separated. I made everyone believe I was fine. It started as an escape, became how I survived and my weapon(drug) of choice. I learned people see what they expect unless you tell them otherwise, so just show them what they want. 

Everyone and everything can either strengthen us or chip away at our sense of self. You are far harder on yourself than you are on anyone else. It's true, I know I caused and hid my broken parts until there was nothing left. I beat myself down and let others do the same.

 So it should come as no surprise when I say I am a domestic abuse survivor. That being said I also became abusive back. That was the worse time of my life. There were good days and happy memories, but the dark truth taints them. I am going to spare you all the details, but know that it was bad enough that I prayed to die and leave my son mother less because it had been beaten into my head that he would be better off without me. That is a lie and I know that now, but in that time I had given up and stopped living.

I was broken completely. When I left I didn't know who I was anymore or what to do. So I pretended and pushed the pieces away until I couldn't anymore. I found a group of women who just would let me wallow. I tried to keep my mask up, but they figured out my tells.  They catch me if I start to fall.

I have with help begun to fill in the crack between all the broken pieces of my self to make something new. Something beautiful, but it is hard, there will be new cracks and pieces I am sure. It is a start.  

Maybe ( I like to think I am) we all can be better from being broken?

Reviews

[Black Rose]

Well yeah sometimes broken is better because you can join those pieces again to make a new version of yourself. Anyways i have some doubt like did you give up like you said you didn't want to live and in starting somewhere you referred to you as was. Sorry I am just a naive and trying to realise the emotions behind the pieces. Would appreciate if you can try to explain your perspective :)

[nikki.s.]

Hi, thank you for your review. To answer your question, I did really feel that way. I was extremely depressed and abused. I wasn't suicidal, but I literally did not care about anything in regards to my own health and safety. I wouldn't eat, or really move all that much. There was no drive to anything for a long while. When I finally left the situation I was a shell of the girl I was. I had to figure out how to be a single mom and deal with everything I went though for years. Then I had to want to change and make myself take each step forward. It is still a struggle some days, but those days are getting farther apart. I hope I answered your questions. If not let me know.

[Black Rose]

Oh okay this make sense now. Thank you so much :)