26th March, 2010

I wrote this on my eighteenth birthday.

 

Today’s the day I came into this world

A raw excuse waiting to be distributed as an epic

 

It was in a bright afternoon, eighteen years ago

The world adopted me with blind prospects of living

 

A new summer exploded around my fresh mind back then

But today the seasons seem to change only according to taste

 

I’m eighteen today and still trying to understand

The meaning of the lines which continue to grow beyond my palm

 

Someday when this poem will turn eighteen

Life will be devoid of calendars, birthdays and deaths

 

Because we all will soon be lost in the forest of possibilities

Forgotten by the darker depths of the reality we hid in the roots of our past

 

Since each of us born on a man-made occasion

Purposely made to overshadow the meaning of routine

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

I agree with Mike on this one, I don't see why you wrote it this way. Couplets are almost exclusively used when they rhyme, which yours don't, and when they contain ideas among themselves, which yours don't. You could easily have made this one stanza, or two; it's not so long that it needs breaks that frequent.

And maybe my math is wrong, but the poem will be eighteen when you're thirty-six. Unless we hit nuclear war, I think we'll still have calendars birthdays and deaths. That stanza is a touch weird.

It's an interesting look at life, if a little out there, but I'm left more puzzled by your form than your content.

[Mike Espinosa]

This is interesting. Your choice of structure is very intriguing.

I don't get the second to last stanza and the one before it. I don't see the connection between the two.

I also don't see why you did this in couplets. With the lack of punctuation, stanzas would normally show the complete thought or sentence. Since some sentences spill over, it confuses the meanings of some of the lines. It's ok to have different amounts of lines per stanza. Poetry doesn't need to be uniform in that way.

This is a good start, but I would suggest further revision.

[Gomer LePoet]

very deep and well thought. mark this day, for it's importance is yet to be dertermined.

[Angel Veselinov]

Really nice poem. Thanks for sharing

[clauds294]

Thought driven poem. Wonderful

[Fabian G. Franklin]

This is a great write with an original slant on the birthday...do poems have birthdays? I think so. Mine feel like my children. This was a pleasure to read!

[Jenny Nelson]

Some great thoughts here. Nicely put together. I especially like the last two stanzas. Lots to think about there.

[Dev]

This is a nice perspective into your thinking of the world and the years gone by with you walking on it. I liked reading it, here are some things you should look into

"It was in a bright afternoon" (on instead of in)
SUGGESTION :: "I’m eighteen today and" (but sounds better as it shows that even though you're legally an adult yet you have so much to learn)
"Since each of us born on a man-made occasion" (Try using punctuation, or change it to - since each of us is born on a man made occasion)

[Prateeksha Khot]

Unique poem. Truly nice

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Happy belated birthday.. and I love what some of your words have to offer here. Seemingly some wisdom beyond your years! Sometimes I think I'd like to go back to being 18 or 20 but I'm happy with my current age. Turning 18 is a really big turning point.. coming into the responsibilities of being an adult.

May you prosper and be happy.. and may your birthdays overshadow the meaning of routine as life is a miracle. Hopefully your lines on your palm remain beyond and you live long and with great purpose.. loved the depth of this.

[Dom Macchiaroli]

Happy Birthday my friend. Good piece.