Werewolves, Vampires, and Witches... Oh my!

This is a scene from a book I'm working on. I would like someone to read it and give me suggestions to help me make it better

• The two fanged a******s circled us like a couple of vultures, waiting for the prey to drop dead so

  that they may swoop in and claim their next meal.

  I won’t lie, I was scared. Every muscle in my body was as taut as a guitar string, ready to flee the

  moment Ezra told me to. He stood between me and the vampires, as if he was my bodyguard and

  his life depended on keeping me breathing. He was strong. I’ve seen his strength first hand;

  before and after his “transformation”. But could he take on a couple of blood suckers and protect

  me at the same time? I guess there’s one way to find out.

  The two nameless vamps were coiling to spring; they slid knowing looks to each other while

  analyzing our position, plotting what would be the best course of attack. Ezra was staring them

  down, giving them a look that said “take another step in my direction and ‘death by sunlight’ will

  seem merciful compared to what I’d do to you.”

  “Don’t you two have better taste than a mutt and his chew toy?” a female voice came from the

  shadows.

  Like a switch had been thrown the tension in the air snapped and was replaced with dead silence.

  An expression of fear crossed the vampires’ faces as they turned to where the voice had come

  from. Unease replaced Ezra’s demeanor, making him stand straighter and unable to hardly

  breathe.

  Before I could blink the vampires disappeared, flitting to someplace that wasn’t here. Ezra still

  stood in front of me, his stance relaxed but only slightly from before.

  At first I was relieved to have the distraction, but now I was curious. Was it possibly another

  werewolf like Ezra? Couldn’t be another vampire because what sense would that make? They

  wouldn’t run from their own kind would they? If it were a witch Ezra and I would be running

  just like the previous chickens. My curiosity was peaked.

  The clicking of heals on pavements grew closer and the voice came again. “You know,” she

  spoke in a sarcastic tone, “I’m beginning to think you put yourself in these situations because

  you know I’ll come and save your sorry a*s.” A dark shape separated itself from the shadows,

  taking the form of a tall woman. I couldn’t distinguish any definitive features though. It was too

  dark.

  Ezra stood straighter and the tension in his shoulders relaxed a fraction. “You sure you don’t

  have that backwards?” he asked in an equally smartass tone. I took a breath I didn’t realize I was

  holding. She must’ve been one of Ezra’s werewolf buddies; it was the only reasonable

  explanation. As the girl grew closer to the light I began to see more and more details. And I liked

  what I was seeing.

  She was tall, taller than Ezra. That’s a rarity. Her blonde hair hung straight down her back. Her

  clothing clung to every curve of her body, especially accentuating her behind and chest "which

  even from this distance, I got a good view of and wondered vaguely what her bill from Victoria’s

  Secret looked like. Before she stepped fully into the light I couldn’t make out her features, but

  when she did I had to clamp my jaw shut in order to keep it from dropping to the pavement.

  She was beautiful! She belonged on a catwalk in Paris. Not an alley in a pimple of a town.
• Her eyes slid from Ezra to me where I bravely decided to step out. She looked me up and down,

  appraising me. I suddenly felt the need to hide behind Ezra again, I felt so vulnerable. But I stood

  my ground, not venturing further. No matter how naked I felt in front of this fine specimen of a

  woman.

  Her gaze went back to Ezra and she cocked an eyebrow. She crossed her arms over her chest and

  said, “A simple ‘thank you’ will suffice.”

  Ezra huffed and mumbled a “thank you” that I could barely hear.

  The woman smirked. “See? Was that so hard?” She inclined her head towards me and inquired,

  “Who’s this?”

  Before I had the chance to answer Ezra stepped on my foot, causing me to yelp out in pain. “No one."

Author's Note

I welcome all reviews and criticism. Anything to help make my story better

Reviews

[Brandon Adams]

Let me start off by saying I enjoyed reading the excerpt that you have provided. You managed to hook me as a reader. I’m curious about the story and the world that you're building upon.

Yes, the story is interesting, but it could use some improvements as well. Personally speaking, there were times where I felt the writing felt cluttered. Every writer has their own style, but I think you can improve on the flow of your story by rewording and rearranging things in a few areas. For example this is how the opening sentences could have been written.

“Like starving vultures, the pair of fanged a******s circled around us; ready to swoop in at any moment.”

This is a small change but it’s easier to read and with less clutter. I hope you found this criticism helpful and I hope that you continue writing.