His life before

This is the background story for a character in another story I'm working on. I felt like I needed to get to know him a bit more, so I decided to write a short story :) Please tell me what you think.

He watched the world through grey eyes, the first born son of a powerful man. He was meant to follow his father's footsteps, meant to dedicate himself to the higher powers. A servant, though a powerful one, a servant none the less.

 

But a path already cut and set did not please his curious mind. His world grew dull, his life became motionless. His life was already decided. The people around him melded him mercilessly into the man they wanted him to be. 

In protest, he stagnated his being, willed himself into uselessness. He ran down the path of self-destruction, and to his surprise he found a liking to his new lifestyle. However the life of a criminal was too restricting. Laws and authorities kept getting in his way, preventing him from fully carry out his plans. 

Thus he adapted, abandoned his new lifestyle to plunge himself into a different one drenched in lies and deceit. He hid his activities deep behind the watching eyes of the law, where they rarely looked. There he could work and plan his schemes in peace. In time, he realized that his life was no longer a never-ending boredom, but a thrilling game. But then he also became aware of two things;

1. The more power he had, the more he could enjoy this game. The more power he had, the more he could push people around like ignorant chess pieces.

2. Time. Eventually he would grow old and die. He did not want that.

 

Shortly afterwards, he vanished. No one knew where he was, or where he went. Then, out of nowhere, he returned, 200 years later, and levelled his old home town to the ground.

 

So what happened?

The official story says a stranger came and offered him immortality, and that his home was the price. That's close enough.

The truth was, a stranger came and offered him a curse with a blessing, and he took it without thinking twice.

Author's Note

The character is a villain. Manipulative, sinister but also smart enough to get away with it.
This is just the first draft I wrote, so I haven't done any editing on it yet

Reviews

[Leon C]

Some really good ideas here. Some smooth writing but a few rough edges that need to be sanded down. I think the vagueness in stories like this often helps but in case I felt it detracted from my enjoyment. I had no real sense of time or place. That said I did enjoy it a lot so I look forward to reading your next draft.

[Kim]

I will keep it in mind :) thanks!

[Familiar Neko]

i like it there are same good ideas here :)

[Kim]

Thank you :)

[Shannon]

This is a great back story for a multidimensional villain, with a real depth of character!

[Kim]

Thank you! :)

[savanna.r.f]

I loved it! You should write a book around it. You should also add a little more about his journey to find the stranger and other things to make it longer and not so vague.

[Kim]

Thank you :) hopefully I can find the time to finally get back to this one soon, so I'll keep that in mind!

[AshGrey]

Needs a bit polishing. There are some grammar mistakes. Otherwise the story's good. Expanding it would be a great idea.

[LoveDens]

Real and true. You seems so much into the character.

[Kim]

Thank you :)

[alifeacoustic]

To die is never good. To live for eternity is the true curse. Seeing loved ones die, knowing it will never be your time. No matter he delighted in his plans, it would too soon grow weary and he would only ever be left with himself, for ever more.
I enjoyed this. It had a nice pace to it and you should maybe think of expanding it as you said. If not to book form, then at least novella. Give the reader more background to enjoy.
Anyway, I ramble. Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed reading. Good work.

[Kim]

Glad you liked it :) Thanks, I'll try and give more background to it!

[alifeacoustic]

:-).......