Shadow of Doubt

A chiling tale of an untimely death.

    It was a dark night, with a darker purpose. The  clouds shrouded the moon in this typically quiet suburban neighborhood. A chilly wind stirred young emotions and shook evil out of one teenager. It was the job of two seasoned detectives to determine which one.     

   This call was a rarity. A closed door murder. Three suspects waited at the scene waiting for questioning. The victim was 17 year old Laci Mason. The suspects were her twin sister Avery, 17 year old Sloan Atherby, and the victim's boyfriend, Chase Ingram, 18 years old.  Avery Mason was long and lean. Her hair was straight and long, a full shade darker than her twin sister's. She wore tiny cutoff jean shorts and a tank top that was stretched to the limit on top. Avery was leaning up against the wall near the stairs, twirling her hair and staring at the floor. Her eyes were completely dry and there wasn't a speck of red either. No love lost there, thought Detective Danielle Brady.

            "Looks like a single gunshot wound through the heart," reported Detective Brady. "Do you see the gun?"

"I do not, but we're still processing the scene," replied Detective Winslow. Avery looked surprisingly calm, maybe even bored. Sloan seemed scared. Her full name was Sloan Breckenridge. Her large family was fairly well off and well respected in the community. How was she mixed up in this? Detective George Winslow wondered. Sloan's wavy chestnut hair was long and loose. She wore jeggins and an oversized gauzy top. Standing near Avery, Sloan's eyes were wild. She was shaking a bit, but also keeping close tabs on Avery. That's interesting, thought Detective Brady.

    Chase Markum was blubbering in a corner, inconsolable. He was the  oldest of the three and the only guy among three girls. Jealousy maybe, thought Detective Brady. He had sandy brown hair, a ripped chest under a white t-shirt and slightly wet gym shoes. Definitely interesting, since supposedly everyone was inside at the time of the shooting, thought Detective Winslow.

       "Let's talk to our suspects," Detective Winslow began. "Ok, which one of you found the body?"

            "I did," Avery answered simply. "She's my sister."

            "Your twin sister, right?" questioned Detective Brady.

            "Of course. We were identical. She was sweet, I guess. It's just so sad what happened," continued Avery.

            "Let's talk privately." They moved to a bedroom on the second floor. "What did happen?" asked Detective Winslow, with authority.

            "My friend Sloan came over. She was staying at my house because our parents together went yachting this weekend. Neither of us really wanted to be alone. My sister was always with that boyfriend of hers." Avery rolled her eyes.

            "Yes ma'am. And where was your sister at that point?" Detective Winslow asked.

            "Knowing her she was saving sick puppies or serving soup at a shelter or something. She was always doing stuff like that," huffed Avery. "We didn't really hang in the same circles, if you know what I mean." Detective Brady thought Avery's eyes might just roll right out of their sockets. This relationship seemed far beyond a normal sibling rivalry. She showed no emotion at all after finding her sister dead. That was a new one for Detective Brady. Most siblings are considerate enough to at least fake sadness.

            Downstairs in the kitchen, Detective Brady was asking Sloan the same question. "I think she went to the mall to get a prom dress, but she was supposed to meet up with Chase later," Sloan responded, nervously.  

"I see," said the detective addressing Sloan. "And where was she supposed to meet Chase?"

            "They were supposed to meet here. Chase was waiting for her," Sloan added, eyes darting around the room.  

"I see. And what time did Chase arrive?" asked Detective Brady.

            "About nine, I think. They were going to stop by a party across town. Then they usually just found somewhere to park and talk until the wee hours of the morning. They were almost too cute, those two." Sloan had a tear in her eye.

            "You miss Laci, don't you," the detective asked gently.

            "I guess so. She was always nice, you know, even when we weren't," Sloan whispered.

            "It's just us. You don't have to whisper," Detective Brady assured her.

"I don't want her to hear me," Sloan responded. "Avery can be cruel. Especially to her sister."

            "What do you mean?" asked Detective Brady.

            "She was so jealous. I mean, Avery had lots of 'boyfriends', but Chase really loved Laci. Like, for real. Avery never had that. Laci was nice and smart, too. Avery was kind of average in school, although she did well in Math and Chemistry. She was a cheerleader and captain of the Volleyball team. But she had that dark side. It kept coming back to that."

            "I still don't understand. Tell me more about this dark side, "pressed Detective Brady.

            "Avery was a bully. She hurt people," Sloan remarked. "If Laci volunteered at a dog shelter, Avery would spread a nasty rumor about how Laci ran a dog fighting ring. Then she would get a big group of people together and ask her how the dogs were. Laci would just say how great it was to work with them, and everyone would hate her for a while. None of it was true! It was all jealousy! And Laci did volunteer for things, but she wasn't Ms. Perfect, like Avery would have you believe. She was just a regular girl. The strangest part about her was the gigantic blind spot she had for her sister."

            "Did Avery ever hurt Laci, physically?" asked the detective.

            "I saw her shove Laci into a brick wall once," commented Sloan. "They were arguing about Chase. Avery thought she should sleep with him, and Laci wanted her to back off. Avery said that sisters shouldn't have secrets. It was unbelievable! Laci had a huge bruise on the left side of her face and her hip for like, a month!"

            "Did Laci call the cops?" asked Detective Brady.

            "No way. Laci never wanted to get her sister in trouble. And I hate to say it, but it could have been much worse," Sloan alluded.

            Detective Brady's ears pricked up. "What do you mean?"

            "Well," Sloan began nervously. "Avery knew some really bad people."

            "Sloan," Detective Brady said soothingly. "There's something you aren't telling me. There is a dead girl in the next room. It is time to tell the truth." Sloan was shaking. "I can help you. Just tell me what you know, and I will make sure you are safe."

Sloan was silent for a full minute. She was still shaking, but her lips parted, and she whispered, "Avery deals drugs. They have guns. Oh my God. I'm dead. She. Will. Kill. Me."

            "Sloan. Did you see Avery deal drugs? Did you see the guns?" Detective Brady asked.

            "Yes, I saw it. After school. I was terrified." Sloan's eyes were wide, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was rocking back and forth in the chair, trying to self-soothe. "And there's more. She grabbed a girl off the street and sold her to guy out on 40th Avenue. It was on the news. Red hair. Mom in a wheelchair. Missing since Christmas. She's there."

            "Jesus," exhaled Detective Brady.

            "I know too much. She never lets me out of her sight. I follow along with whatever she asks. Because I don't think, I know she could make me disappear." Sloan broke down in tears. Her voice sounded harsh. She was disgusted with herself.

            "I need to talk to Detective Winslow. Stay here," instructed Detective Brady.

            Sloan had the look of a zebra trapped in a lion cage. "You can't leave me alone! Please! You promised! You can't do this. I won't survive." Sloan sobbed. "Please...."

   Detective Brady used her radio to call her partner. They stayed within the doorframe of the living room while they whispered to each other in code. The other two suspects were in eyeshot if not earshot in the dining room.

            Chase was still blubbering. Sloan was playing with her nails. "You didn't have to kill her," Avery shot at Chase. "You didn’t' even have to break up. I was willing to share." She smiled at that last part, and Chase lunged at her from out of the corner. Both detectives whipped toward them.

            "I Never Ever had sex with you! I don't even like you! You tortured my girlfriend all the time! But she didn't want to hurt you, you c**t!" Chase was infuriated. "You or Sloan could have done it. She follows you around like a little puppy! And both of you pushed her around all the time! Maybe you did it together!"

            "Calm down!" shouted Detective Winslow. "We still have to figure out where everyone was when Laci was killed."

            "The power went out. At about 9:20ish. There was a brief storm with lightning. The power was out for about a half hour," offered Avery. "Laci was killed then. In the dark. I was having a beer in my bedroom."

            "You're 17, right?" asked Brady.

            "This is a murder investigation, right?" spat back Avery.

            "How about you?" asked Detective Winslow to Chase.

            "I was sitting on the couch, by the front door, waiting for Laci," answered Chase.

            "How about you?" asked Detective Brady.

            "I was in the shower," responded Sloan.

            "Well, Laci was found in the hallway between the kitchen and the dining room. So, who's lying?" Detective Brady asked. Chase's eyes were red. He looked like he would start crying again. Then he caught Avery's eye, and his face looked angry again.  Avery tried to look innocent. Sloan looked terrified.

            The two detectives were at a loss. All three suspects had motive and opportunity to kill Laci. But only one shot was fired. One of them was guilty. However, the gun was still missing. The killer may still have it in his or her possession. Acting on that hunch, Detective Danielle Brady commanded, "Ok folks. Empty your pockets, purses, and everything. I am still looking for that gun."

            The three suspects readily complied. Sloan had no pockets, but turned out her purse contents on a nearby table. No gun. Next, Avery pulled out her pockets and emptied her purse. Several pictures of Chase, but no gun. Detective Brady swallowed hard. Maybe the gun was still hidden somewhere at the scene. Was it possible they had made a mistake? Then, as a matter of procedure, the grief stricken boyfriend Chase stepped toward the detectives, turned out his pockets, and pulled out the murder weapon. Sloan gasped and Avery half smiled.

            Detective Winslow spoke up. "Give me the gun. Now." He moved toward Chase, grabbed the gun, and handcuffed him.

Detective Brady looked shaken. She had believed in this kid. "Why did you do it?" she queried.

            Chase's face was a dark mask. "I loved her. I always had. These two - didn't. Her own sister Avery is the worst person I have ever met. She ground Laci down every chance she got. I was the only friend left that Avery hadn't driven away. Sloan was Avery's partner in crime. And Laci never wanted to make waves. She didn't want to start any trouble for her sister. Because family meant something - to Laci. It drove me nuts! Everyone could see that Avery was trouble. She slept with like, everyone. There's a rumor that she put something in another' girls drink to make her sick so that she could get with her boyfriend."

            "Enough! This is not about Avery. This is about you. Killing your girlfriend. Stick to that story," Detective Winslow barked impatiently.

            “I loved Laci. She loved me. Avery did not understand that. I was just another guy to her. She was always trying to be with me. She would flirt all the time in front of her sister, text me, call me all the time. It was annoying. I didn't want anything to do with her. Laci knew that. She kept apologizing for her sister. Then Avery would get all embarrassed that I didn't go for her, and start some nasty rumor about Laci. It was infuriating. I couldn't stand to see the girl I loved treated so horribly by her own flesh and blood."

            "So you killed her?" asked Detective Winslow.

            "No. Not like that. Her pain in the a*s sister Avery was there. She was practically undressing herself. I told her to get lost. Again. For like the millionth time. She got that evil gleam in her eye. She told me to come to her room right now, or she would tell everyone I raped her."

            "Oh please," complained Avery loudly. "I don't need my sister's sloppy seconds."

            "Shut up Avery!" Chase screamed. "You were always jealous of Laci. She was smarter, prettier, friendlier, and more of a real person then you will ever be. Avery went after her sister every chance she got. And Laci just wouldn't see it. I had to protect her. Avery was saying some crazy stuff. She even bragged about knowing some guy who could sell Laci off as a sex slave. I believed her. I'm telling you, she is pure evil. She took off. I didn't know where she was going. I had no idea who she might bring back with her. I had a gun in my car. The firing range is just up the road. Some guys went there for practice sometimes. I was thinking of joining up in the military. I wanted to build a life for Laci and me. I've never used it outside of the firing range before."

            Detective Winslow asked, "You keep a gun in your car?"

            Chase nodded. "I was parked right outside. I was only outside for a few seconds. I was shook up. Laci should have been here by now. I had to protect myself and Laci. I started walking toward the kitchen, the way Avery went. It was dark. The power was still off. I heard Avery's voice. She was talking low, like she didn't want anyone else to hear. I listened, but I couldn't really make anything out. I feared the worst. People who cross Avery get burned. Then, the voices stopped. I stood stock still. And I saw Avery running toward me. She was close. I thought of Laci and then I fired that shot. Only it wasn't Avery running to me. It was.......Laci."

            Chase completely broke down. Sloan vomited in a trash can. Avery was taken in for questioning on the charges of kidnapping and human trafficking. Eventually, the redhead was freed, and Avery was sent to jail. Sloan was safe. Chase was arrested and eventually found guilty of second degree murder for killing his true love.

Reviews

[Trigorin]

You have a good concept, but this feels very bare-bones at present. I'd say use more descriptive language in your narrative, and try and make the characters feel more like people - at present the audience can't really relate to them very well because they're more like puppets than real believable characters. Let us see their emotions through their actions and let us know what they're thinking and they'll start feeling more real. Take care, too, to not be so passive in your narrative. This is a good start, but it still needs some work.

[JLD]

Thanks for reading, and for your honesty. I went back and fixed it up. Feel free to reread and tell me what you think of the changes. Thanks!