A Man Does Weep

 

 

 

A Man Does Weep

 

1

I knowingly sat on forests,

On a bench, staring at a park,

I wept softly into my hands,

Troubled over some jail time,

Locked inside a desolate cage,

For a crime that I was blamed for.

 

2

I noticed two uniformed cops,

Working inside a concrete pen,

I swiftly stood and took my flight

Journeying towards wilderness,

Hunting to find sanctuary

 Or they will take my last few breaths.

3

I found peace. I had a girlfriend,

My arm tight around her shoulder,

Hearts joined with unbreakable string.

She lay motionless in my arms,

Sleeping naked in Rose Red Blood.

That night I did nothing but weep.

 

4

A sanctuary found my soul,

A sturdy shack in the country,

I told them all what had happened,

About the sin and my one girl.

They smiled. Gave me a blanket.

Safe in a deceit ridden world.

 

5

The next day, I heard the door knock.

Two cops entered carrying guns.

A snitch pointed them towards me.

The swine smiled and raised their guns.

They grabbed me, I was their scape-goat.

In cuff I said my last goodbyes.

 

6

The cell stood desolate and cold.

Nothing green shone within my sight.

I stared endlessly at the bars.

Weeping my eyes to sleep each night.

It was not long before I thought;

Why did I kill my girl that night?

Author's Note

Okay i think it would work better without barnyard animals in it but pigs are cops, rat is a snitch and goat is a scape goat. I think it would work better and not distract from the seriousness of the poem. I needed to see the response of whether pure genious or utter tosh

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Whoa...I had to double take a few times on that last line...And what's up with pigs holding guns? And the rat thingy? I don't get it...Is this the type of pig that says oink and rolls in the mud and eats gross things? If so, why are they holding guns and sending people to jail?
I DON'T GET IT!!! Could you perhaps explain in the author's notes?
"I found peace. I had a girlfriend,
My arm tight around her shoulder,
Hearts joined with unbreakable string.
She lay motionless in my arms,
Sleeping naked in Rose Red Blood.
That night I did nothing but weep."
Fav stanza. No mention of barnyard animals holding guns...

[Voice]

Whoa creepy but such a great piece. it kind of gives you a look into the mind of a criminal if you think about it. Yes it is scary but I think kind of eye-opening. Great write...

Voice

[Lorraine]

Wow, how very sad and yet very creepy. It's such a powerful and captivating write. Why indeed? I find myself
asking for purely different reasons. I realize that we, people sometimes do things without knowing why, and eventually we regret what we've done when it's already too late. I believe this poem of yours explored that human condition in an amazingly creative, and deeply affecting way. Good Job.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Nataliya Maize]

Wow, you put alot of work into this poem. I had to read it over and over to try and grasp it completely and I'm still not sure if I'm giving it the proper attention it deserves, but I'll try.

After reading stanza one again, I feel like you display the man's very , but I'm a little confused when I get to the word "blamed" for. To me it sounds like the man doesn't accept his actions, doesn't take the "blame" as a consequence for what he did. I understand he's sitting there starring at "nature" starring at beauty, a beauty he destroyed, shouldn't he feel guilty? Or at least in disbelief of what he did in this stanza. I feel like he wants to pass blame instead for some reason.

Stanza two was a bit confusing for me, I don't know if he's in the jail, or at the park running some where, I'm a bit confused.

Stanza three to me, I think painted a good picture. I saw it as you trying to write about a memory... did I understand that right... sorry if I'm not understanding correctly but I'm trying to. Anyways, to me it paints a beautiful picture of loving memory, and then "regret" ...finally we see more in depth his pain, and that's a good thing, it makes him more human to me, rather then a criminal. Loved the wording about the "rope", like you had mentioned in my guild forum on A.N.A., in your writer's notes.

Stanza four confuses me again, sorry. I keep wanting to question did the guy really kill his girlfriend, or did he get blamed for what someone else did to his girl, cause why would anyone want to smile about what he did?

Then you write "scape goat" which literally means "a person or group made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place." So I'm confused again here, why is this guy acting like he did something terrible, but isn't willing to pay the price for his "mistake" is he really loved this woman??? If he really loved her, and knew what he did was wrong, wouldn't he be waiting to be taken in, instead of running from it??? Or is he just scared? I'm trying to understand this person, and it's just not clicking for me, no offense.

Then we go to the last stanza and the guy sees nothing but cold metal, he put himself in a prison, and seems to regret the beauty he destroyed with his own anger, he seems believable again in this stanza, questioning himself. And the sub meaning here is definitely a powerful one, as was stanza one. It paints a great contrast between the two.

All and all I think you put alot of work into this poem, alot of thought, and I think your passionate about your work for sure. I'm just having difficulty trying to understand the character's actions throughout the poem, because the middle section doesn't seem to make sense to me. I think you did GREAT though in stanza 1 and 6, I would leave them as is, but I would probably make some small adjustments to the middle section. Just my opinion, take it or leave it. Perhaps I didn't understand the meaning you were trying to get across at all, and if so I apologize. I do appreciate though, the time you took to further explain your writing in A.N.A., it helped me understand better, and I can definitely appreciate the sub meaning you put into your poem most better. Over all I think you did a pretty good job! Keep it up, and I'd like to see what more you have to write as well! =)

Again hope you didn't take offense to anything I said, I just wanted to give this piece the review the attention it deserved! Especially when I can tell a write put alot of work, and thought into it.

Sincerely,

-Nataliya

[Lexi Nicole]

Very, very powerful piece of poetry. I like how you didn't just straight up tell the story, you let this character describe it. You can feel this man's loss and regret. I also love that you don't let anyone know exactly what happened to the girl until the last line, when the character is asking himself why he killed her. Great work!

-Howl

[John McGrael]

this is super good!!! i really enjoyed reading it!!

[Lydia]

A little 1984, a little Fahrenheit 451, and really well written. I enjoyed this piece a lot :)

[Just Plain Me]

HOLY WOW! this is amazing! yeah, its kinda depressing, but still completely amazing :]

[An owl on the moon]

Darkly moving and profound. You capture the feeling of pain and remorse so well. Powerful!

[Sheila Kline]

Absolutely gripping....from start to finish! And, the ending is superb as you reveal who the killer is!
You have wonderful perception with the ability to transpose it onto paper!!
Sheila

[Salvatore Buttaci]

Good writing! Certainly better than my work at your age!