To Be Free (Open Up)

 

To Be Free (Open Up)

 

I take a cold hard look at the

Bathroom Sink. My golden blood

Seeping out. Dripping gently from my wrist.

The weight of the paper in my hands,

I could not stray from answering the

Hundreds of life-changing questions.

Consuming. So small yet worth so much.

 

Pierce my heart with curves and smiles,

Tangle me up, swallow me whole.

Longing for her, too much. She was taken.

Lifting the weight of the crate

Pushing myself to earn the monetary goal;

Stress and workload for so little.

No wonder my wrists drip this day.

 

I wait for the brown envelope to come,

Staring endlessly, I needed to know.

The results to my life, all at once.

Snap. My mind then split. I understood.

The sharp blade in my hand.

Twisting and turning as I toyed with death.

 

My wrists opened up.

The sink filled with blood.

I fainted and died.

The brown envelope came,

My mum wept her eyes;

 

 Nothing but those deadly A star marks.

 

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Ow, this is depressing...but that's probably the feel you're going for.
Interesting piece. Sorry, I can't say I like it but I know maybe some people would.
Alright, I'd say that you should clarify what the 'brown envelope' is; I was a little bewildered at that. Things should be clear in a poem like this.
Also;
"Longing for her, too much. She was taken.
Lifting the burden of the crate"
*Of* the crate? I would think it would be something more like 'Lifting the burden like a crate' or 'lifting the burden off the crate'. Maybe this was just a minor misspelling. I don't know.
While it seems like there are too many depressing pieces like this around, I would say you seem to have done a good job. Keep writing.

~S

[Clarisse Nanoit]

a story very well-told. Sadly, tragically, and beautifully written with a matter-of-fact tone and nice imagery. good piece. Sorry it took me so long to get to this read request. ;) I'm glad I finally did, though. I enjoyed reading.
KH

[Regan Meade]

Wow...Very deep. I can actually feel the emotion in the words. This is a depressing yet fantastic piece of work!

[a]

Very emotional... emo, indeed, but well written, although not original at all, at the same time your language and the construction of the poem brings to attention, it's powerful and dark, yet the backdround (bathroom) brings to thoughts about something light, white and hopeful (the way I see it), and the ending, well, it's very simple and doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, you should re-work it, I think,
but it shows (and this might be what you intended) that the character's mother doesn't care so much about her son (she only "wept her eyes?"), the tragic situation doesn't reflect in the poem's ending (the final, the finish) at all, it doesn't feel to be finished.
Overall - a good write that shows your skills, well penned, great vocabulary, but doesn't bring deep, conserning emnotions, so the goal isn't reached yet.

[Jimmy Greenie]

Depressing. Not sure I understand the whole idea of it. Why is he so depressed?

[Legion]

I'm a bit confused by this. The writing is well done, but the message seems to bounce around a bit. I think (my own interpretation of it) is about someone who is strained by the demands of life upon him. That is, school and the demand to be the perfect student and he can do nothing less or it will crush him. But other parts suggest something different. Perhaps a love that is lost (maybe they could both fit within this, I'm not sure). Some clarification might be needed. Now let's go back to the writing itself. It is impeccable. I like your style in this. If you do change anything in it, at least do not change that aspect of it. Anyway, overall, good job. Kudos.

[Melissa Kesead]

Very depressing but very descriptive of the pressures of life we all are bombarded with.

[Ameerah]

oh wow..like ur other poems this one touched me as well..it's great!

[Faith]

wow, i enjoyed this one, (i know that seems weird) lol but the feel i got in this poem was different. the pain felt so real. one of your bests john.
once again, i loved it♥

-Faith

[Raef C. Boylan]

A commentary on pressure within the British education system? Or the consequences of unrequited love?
Perhaps both - there seem to be two reasons given why your narrator has killed himself.
Also, manual labour being a depressing factor in life.

"those deadly A star marks" - this line seems to back-up the idea of the poem being about pressure; he killed himself striving to achieve academically [?]

"My golden blood" - possibly a reference to the high expectations placed upon him - 'golden boy' etc

"So small yet [so] worth so much." [is this first 'so' a typo?]
"My mum read the results crying her eyes" [this sentence seems to contradict your strong sense of grammar - or maybe it's deliberately disjointed? I'm not sure].

Overall, a pretty good piece. Of higher quality than the average teenaged piece on suicide/self-mutilation, but still containing a few hints at cliched language/imagery.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ah! this was so beautifully sad and full of despair.
Loved the flow and the overall structure a lot :)
A very intense and personal piece of writing it is, great work :)