To Depression

I can see you lurking.

I can hear you breathing. 

You aren’t as furtive as you think. 

I am the one with all the inconspicuousness.

I walk about every day in your shadow,

Yet no one else will ever know.

You take the shape of normality 

And I become something twisted

By years of living.

Life is giving out beneath me, 

But I am safe in your cold, desolate embrace.

I will dwell deeper until there is 

Nothing but the shell of what I used to be.

The very same shell I wear now. 

Though it will utterly cease to be anything more 

Than a past attempt at existence. 

I can see you for what you are:

A room with a view.

All I can see is miles

And miles of emotion.

But I cannot touch even the most mundane.

I must find the will to break out.

But, again, here I am safe. 

I am safe from the reach of time.

For I will cease when I see fit.

Time cannot control me. 

Only I control me.

And you, of course. 

You control me most of all.

I’ll remain the puppet 

If you stay out of sight.

Don’t mistake my awareness

For acceptance.

It’s more akin to complacency.

You and I are on opposite sides

Of what I want to be. 

You say remain and stagnate;

But I say let me run.

Let me be the thing that I 

Fear even more than you. 

Let me be happy. 

But with you I am never alone,

Though always I am lonely. 

Tomorrow I’ll escape.

That’s it; I’ll handle it tomorrow.

Just how powerless am I?

More powerless still 

As I sit with only you.

No one else is allowed in.

At this point, I can’t imagine

Anything without you by my side.

Life would be easy;

Life would be worth it.

But for now, nothing seems possible

And everything seems over.

Though I’ll always have sleep ahead of me.

The tears tonight will shield and divert me

From the tears of tomorrow.

There seems to be no stopping you.

I’d be impressed if I weren’t 

Playing the victim of this 

Unrepentant drive of yours.

I haven’t the energy to force you out.

All I can do is stand in this room

And watch you interact with the outside world.

I’ll have no effect on this world 

Because I no longer live there.

I live somewhere else now;

Somewhere deeper and darker.

Somewhere I cannot yet leave.

Why is it that you leave a

Hole when you are absent? 

Though, I don’t recall that last 

Time I didn’t have you nearby.

You’re loyal, aren’t you?

Or some oppressive version of loyal.

Why can’t I see through you?

Why can’t anyone else see through me?

I’m here just like always.

Nothing has changed. 

Though, I suppose that’s why.

There must be a better way to strive.

There has to be a more comfortable living.

I can’t have discovered all 

I am meant to discover.

You must leave before I do.

But how am I to defeat this entitative 

Aspect of myself without also

Being defeated?

I’ve forgotten where I end

And you begin.

You are more grounded 

In this reality than I.

You stand strong as I stumble

With each step.

I’m sick of it all.

Maybe today will be it:

The day I say no to you

And determine to leave you behind

In a moment of unfixable confidence.

But I cannot give up on this

Hapless life of mine. 

I’m too resolved to have 

All that I want.

And you are not included.

I will wake up daily and force a smile.

I will fight you everyday

Until one of us ends me.

One day there will be peace in me.

One day I’ll finally be free

To be lonely by myself.

I don’t need you.

You need me.

I’ll get along just fine without you.

I’ll miss you only a little.

You ruin moments and days.

You make me fearful of memory.

The future is not my soul abuser. 

I’ve lost both the ability 

And the desire to remember.

Yesterday is as disturbing as tomorrow.

It might seem the opposite, 

But I am your worst nightmare.

I am the thing that keeps you up at night.

I am the creature that hides beneath your bed.

You posses the imagination in which I dwell.

I am now unprepared for a life well lived.

Might that be harder than what ever this is?

You’re the devil I know, 

But there still exists the devil I don’t.

You are the beast I hate most.

You are single worst piece of me.

I have to defeat just this aspect.

For what I have learned most through all this

Is that I am not you.

But I fear that you might be me.