Small Change James

A Little Scene from my Lodge back Home.

"Ain't seen Jimmy in a while." 

"Jimmy? That dude?  He doesn't come around much anymore. --

Not since he got married." The guy talking was Bill, chuckling as he chalked his cue.

The rest of the room chuckled a little bit too. 

"Yea, we told him not to do it."

"Shoot, look what it did to me?"

"Yea, me too, glad I learned the first time around.  Won't be making that mistake again."

“First time!  Damn, Pete, you didn’t learn the first three times -- Hey Bill, it doesn't matter how much you chalk that thing it ain't going to help."  Joe was the jokester in the bunch.

"Up yours, Joe," Bill replied, leaning over to take his shot

"Remember you got stripes." Bill was notorious for hitting someone else’s balls.

"Screw you," he said and missed his shot.  Everyone laughed.

"I need another drink.  Shooting pool with you guys is going to turn me into an alcoholic,"   

"Hey, get me one too."

"Yea, me too, Jack and Coke."

"Beer for us.  You're a good dude, Bill."

"Yea, I don't care what Jake said about you, you're a good dude."

"Every one of you can kiss my ..." his voice trailing off as he walked up to the bar.

 

"Not your night, huh, Bill?'  Grace, the bartender had been working here longer than any of the guys in the room had been coming.

"It's all in good fun."

"Sure it is."  She said.  "Here's your drinks."

"Thanks, put it on my tab, Pete got the last one."

"Already did, Sweetie."  Grace called everyone sweetie, except Jim, there was some history there, but no one cared too much. 

 

As far as bartenders go, she wasn't bad; wasn't bad to look at either; that's all these guy's cared about.  She was quick witted and could take a joke too, a necessity if you wanted to make a living serving drinks in a private club like this.  

Bill took the drinks to the guy's and Grace leaned over the counter, watching the game, making sure her breasts were pushed up just enough. -- She needed the extra tip money.

 

The guys shot pool and joked with each other, calling names and telling crude stories. Grace laughed a little and flashed a little skin every now-and-then to keep their attention. It was slow for a Thursday.

 

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"Hey, Jimmy."

"Hey, Jimmy we were just talking about you."

"Really?" Jimmy smiled still standing in the doorway.  He was really a likable guy, but he didn't fit in with these guys.  He liked them alright and they liked him, but only in small doses. 

"Hey, Jimmy, you in, I need a partner, twenty bucks a game."

"Yea, come on, they don't call you 'Big Money Jim' for nothing.

 

"Big Money Jim?  More like 'Small Change James'," Grace said, just loud enough for Jim to hear.

Author's Note

Not sure if I'm writing the dialogue write. Any Suggestions.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

The dialogue (in the first half especially) sounds quite realistic for some hole-in-the-wall joint, more than a "private club" as you describe this. (I'm just guessing, since I have little experience). The conversation is slightly repetitive, but that's how these superficial, good-ole-boy repartees go. All in all, a vivid slice of life from a bar scene, albeit with a stereotypical depiction of the waitress. Even tho this piece is entertaining & compelling, just the way it is . . . as with such routine bar scenes, it's not very memorable either. To bump this up, maybe the waitress could have some unique quirks, rather than being so stereotypical. Her "everyday way" isn't sparkling like the waitress in your "Sugared Up Grits" piece.

[James]

Maybe "private lodge" would have been a better description. I took this straight from my lodge, a pretty typical night. Our bartender was very stereotypical, past-her-prime and cynical about life in general. I wanted to paint her as a sad but all to common character.

Thank you for your review.

[Stan Lee]

Dialogue looking pretty brilliant to me. I'm not much good at it myself so I certainly couldn't critique. But I thought it sounded natural & was well written. I enjoyed how you skillfully showed us the story without doing much actual 'telling'. :) Thanks for sharing James. I like it!

[James]

Thanks so much. I'm glad you could see much more than was given.

[Ana Papaya]

Ok. I'm no pro so I can't give writing tips but as a reader reading to be entertained I really liked this. The scene was described very well. You did a great job with Grace's character. I liked this.

[James]

Thanks, Papaya, I'm still trying to figure out the art of storytelling. I'm glad you liked it. I'm trying this flash-fiction stuff. I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

[Ana Papaya]

I think you are very good at story telling.

[Jacob Clifford]

Nice atmosphere and realistic setting. You painted a good scene, but I feel you had too many details for such a short story. I'm not saying you should cut out the details, but I just felt the ending was a bit abrupt, considering you had so many details about the characters but didn't do much with them.

[James]

It's still a work in progress. Thanks for the critique, Clifford. I appreciate it.

[Shannon]

I enjoy the unspoken aspect here. You paint a pretty clear picture without spelling out too much

I do have some ideas for improvement.
We may not need all four men need. The names create confusion. I pulled a bit to demonstrate some tricks I have learned mainly on the Café here:

"Up yours, Joe," Bill replied, voice laced with easy humour.
Bill leaned over the table to take his shot.
"Remember you got stripes." Bill was notorious for hitting someone else's balls.
"Screw you," he said, missing his shot. More laughter echoes.

Also the 'everyone laughed' gets too repetitive.

Very nice slice of life here. Keep it up

[James]

Thanks for the help, It's kind of new for me. Glad you enjoyed it.

[Shannon]

Happy to help with any future specific questions or clarifications too.