She Becomes Weak

She Becomes Weak

A Story by J.R Schlievert
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enjoy.

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As time grows, she becomes duller. Somehow I feel like a young boy that received a new toy. This toy  is the most fun, the most picturesque, the most beautiful doodad ever. However, the toy lost its fun, the color dimmed, and the beauty became a depressing every day reality. She used to have a twinkle to her. A thing that set her apart from everyone else. Nevertheless, now, she is a droid that follows to the colorless sound of societies drum. I loved her, but now....I do not know. Also, what if she never gets that glean back into her eyes. Never to become her own self again. My hart decays, as I watch her personality, wither and die. Like a beautiful rose covered with cold, ferocious snow. As I sit and spectated, the rose becomes a frostbitten weed which causes my soul to grow faint. Let's hope summer rolls around, so the rose can bloom once more.
 

 

© 2009 J.R Schlievert


Author's Note

J.R Schlievert
Ok, be truthful, don't be afraid to put a negative comment, but if its negative please tell me what's wrong. and also put in your comment, if this is contest winning material in your standers. :) and thank you for reading :)

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Featured Review

Okay. Bad grammar/spelling.
But so many other people use bad grammar, so that may not be of great concern.

The actual material is pretty good.
"like a beautiful rose covered with cold, ferocious snow"
That was a beautiful line. A lovely simile ^^
With some editing, this could become contest material.



Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is basically a good piece, but I have to agree with Rick P. Grammar and spelling are vital to good writing. It's not enough to be able to string words together if you're serious about writing. You have to be able to string the proper selection of words, properly spelled, and with proper grammar in order to be a successful writer.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Truly contest material. Someone you love no longer acts like the person that you fell in love with. They now march to the beat of a drum that is not theirs. They fall into the trap of peer pressure and start ot act and look like everyone else. That special sparkle that set them apart from others is now fading. If they would just detach and get back to being their old self, you may be able to once again look upon them with favor. Great writing. Broad enough to interpet in a couple of ways. Keep up the good work.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dea J.R.,

Wonderful topic, interestingly described--all contest level material. Really nice. There are some spelling mistakes ("hart" should be "heart"), but those can be fixed with a word processor that checks spelling or just simple rereads of the piece. But the meat is there. This is an insightful poem. So fix it up and submit it.

Now some have commented that grammar, spelling, etc. are not important. That's only true if you want this (i.e., writing) to be a saturday hobby. If you're serious about it, it is important. I was a very poor speller and used terrible grammar when I was young. Well, that doesn't cut it. I do a lot of professional writing and this is a big showstopper. So just tend to it. It is not that hard to learn and with modern word processor there are spelling and grammar checkers, so it's easier now than it ever was to write correctly.

Congratulations on this highly interesting and captivating write. Really well done.

Best regards,

Rick

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This to me has many different meanings- so it should touch each person differently....
the mystery of the true meaning and underlying tone is superb!
keep writing, the spelling is not a big deal....
worry about content, grammer is secondary!
Excellent!
of course you should enter it, why not...do as you 'FEEL' dont wait for others to give you permission to think your writing is good enough! just do it!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Okay. Bad grammar/spelling.
But so many other people use bad grammar, so that may not be of great concern.

The actual material is pretty good.
"like a beautiful rose covered with cold, ferocious snow"
That was a beautiful line. A lovely simile ^^
With some editing, this could become contest material.



Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

It made me depressed. Don't know why but it just did. Overall though I think this was a great write. J.R. ☺
~Domo~

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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6 Reviews
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Added on September 11, 2009
Last Updated on September 12, 2009

Author

J.R Schlievert
J.R Schlievert

Queen Creak, AZ



About
If a fun loving person! Need help with anything just give me a message and I promise that I will get to you! Im a big guy at 65 (AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! THAT RHYMED!) and I love people! And what ever they .. more..

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