Opening

Zack has come to the desert seeking a quiet place to die. Ada has been left there to die. With no hope and no future, has there ever been a less likely pair to go Starfaring?

It took a long time for the noise to attract Zack’s attention"even longer to resolve itself into anything meaningful.

“Mr. O’Neil? Mr. O’Neil? Can you hear me?”

He was still alive. Not a happy surprise.

Disoriented, he gathered his flickering consciousness together and opened his eyes. As he’d feared, he was surrounded by a variety of high-tech appliances. The overpowering smell of antiseptics placed him in a hospital.

A face appeared in his line of sight"a professionally cheerful face.

“You had us worried for a while, Mr. O’Neil, but you’re doing fine, now.”

When he only stared in reply she patted his shoulder and said, “Just rest. You’ll feel better when you wake up again.” It seemed particularly stupid of her to wake him only to tell him to go back to sleep. But the effort of thinking was too great to sustain, so he let go of wakefulness and fell back into drugged slumber.

 

°  °  °

 

She was an exceedingly plain woman. Her white coat had Psychiatric Services stitched on the breast, and Zack assumed she’d gone into psychiatric practice as a form of revenge against an unkind world. She dragged a chair close to the bed, losing little time in diplomacy.

“They tell me you’re refusing your meds, and won’t eat. Why is that?”

He studied her for a few seconds before shaking his head. “You didn’t do me a favor by bringing me back when my heart stopped.”

“Why not, Mr. O’Neil?” She showed no reaction to his words.

How like a psychiatrist. Never say what you think, just ask questions that make the patient say it for you. But two could play at that, so he answered with a question of his own. “What do I have to live for?”

Before she could answer he snapped, “And don’t ask me trick questions, lady. Just give me an answer. I’m old…I feel like s**t…and I’m not in the mood for games.”

That rated a raised eyebrow, and, “At least tell me why you want to die, Mr. O’Neil, so I have something to work with.”

“I don’t want to die. But when my heart gave out it was my time. It still is. I don’t have a reason to live, and that’s not the same thing as wanting to die.”

“No?”

“No…it’s not.” In spite of himself, she’d drawn him into discussing his reasons for refusing food and medication. But what else was there to do but talk to her or stare at the ceiling? He blew out a breath in resignation. She would have her way after all.

“Believe me, Doctor, I’m not suicidal, I just don’t have anything to live for. I’ve been waiting to die for nearly a year"since they told me my heart wasn’t repairable"but then, when my time was finally up, you people stepped in and took it away from me.”

At his use of the term, “you people,” she unbent enough to say, “I’m Dr. Malvern, Mr. O’Neil. Clarice Malvern.” She still sat ramrod straight on the edge of her chair.

Telling her to go to hell was an option, but in the end protests were futile. The drugs were added to the bags that dripped nourishment into his arms"rendering his defiance symbolic, only. And it made little sense to do battle with the woman.

“I’ve lived nearly seventy years, Doctor, and I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I built a successful business three separate times, once out of boredom after I retired. I’m still bored. More so, since my wife died.” He glanced over at the doctor, to find her leaning forward, interest in what he said apparent. Deciding for the hundredth time to stop judging people by appearances, he went on.

“Amanda was both my wife and best friend. Without her there’s no one and I’m just coasting.”

“Friends?” she offered. “Children? Business? Surely there’s someone?”

That brought a long sigh. “No. We had no children, I’ve sold my business, and there’s no family left that matters.”

He shifted in the bed, easing himself into a less uncomfortable position before saying. “I have friends, doctor. I’m just tired, and it’s far too late to think of starting a new life.”

His voice was empty as he said, “It doesn’t matter, though. No matter what you’ve done, I have a bad heart, and unless you were stupid enough to give me a transplant, it’s still a bad heart.”

 

Dr. Malvern studied the man on the bed. He was stronger than he thought. His medical history, other than his heart problems, was unblemished. It was his state of mind that worried her. Still, this wasn’t a good time to tell him he no longer had a heart.

 

Author's Note

People have asked me to post a sample of my writing. And since Starlight is something I just released—and believe to be section the best work I've done—here's the opening. If it does its job you'll have no choice but to go to Amazon to read the rest of the chapter in the excerpt. If it doesn't you can tell me what kicked you out of the story. And that will help.

Reviews

[JayG]

Actually, I can answer those questions, in a fashion. Starlight Dancing has been released and is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes and Nobel

[jellycat94]

I'm hooked! In the past, I may not have grabbed this book off the shelf, but I'm so intrigued. I want to know more about this man, what his life was like, how things will be up to the point where he finally dies. Will his heart give him another big problem that ends fatally? Will he regularly see Dr. Malvern? Will he come to grudgingly rely on her? Will she change his mind about life or will she instead come to understand or even agree with his reasoning? Ohhh I'm so interested in this!
(And of course, I don't expect you to outright answer these questions, these are just my thoughts on the story so far)

[Clementine]

You've created an excellent beginning. You piqued my interest with the summary, and you captured my attention with this excerpt. You're right - I don't have a choice because Mr. O'Neil won't leave me alone until I've read his story. Your portrayal of someone who is tired of life, but not suicidal, is accurate, and I've felt it several times over the course of my life. Your dialogue is great, and I feel like I understand Mr. O'Neil through his words. I like the way you wove backstory in the dialogue instead of having info dumps. I can't wait to read more. And your verbs! Your use of active voice and strong verbs truly bring the story to life and create a vivid experience.

I took off 5 points for lack of editing. I saw several grammatical errors - punctuation - that I feel could be cleaned up. A good copy editor could help with that, should you choose to pursue that.

[JayG]

I won't be posting more, because I released that story. But the good news is that you can read it. ;)

Thank you for the kind words.

[Alexander Dueck]

I like what a convincing man you've created. What reeled me in was both characters making great points that I can learn from and take into my own life. I'm not much for a critique yet, so I'd like it if you'd check out some of my works and show me how it's done!

[KTizzle]

Hmm, I actually really like this dilemma. I like that this is a character in a dilemma that makes me wonder how he will handle it. I like that he's old and successful. The first chapter makes me sympathize and ask with him the same question. After all has been done, what is the rest of life? I love that this chapter makes me speculate about suicide and what comes next after success.

As others have pointed out, I do love the language. It seems to be characteristic of you to really play with language.

I wish there had been more description, but it seems like it's not really necessary except that you've said this, "Deciding for the hundredth time to stop judging people by appearances, he went on." If it wasn't for that, I would take this chapter to focus only on the dialogue and thoughts of the character. Focusing on action also seems to be characteristic of your writing.

I really do love the dialogue as someone else pointed out. It made me keep reading and I would be interested to read more if I had the money.

90/100

Thanks for posting!

[KWP]

I am wondering why he simply would not have a DNR (do not revive) stipulation in his medical records if his heart is no good and he wants out so badly.

I feel the first paragraph goes a long way to draw the reader in, unfortunately the follow on did not have enough to hold me there longer.

I felt your dialogue was rather realistic.

[ReedWrite]

I enjoyed this very much, and am intrigued to read more.
You have a nice grasp of grammar and structure, and a griping story started.

[Peter Rogerson]

Best edit out the unwanted quotes ( year"since ). My advice is if you're going to present something that may be brilliant or may be awful make sure that it's physically reasonable. writerscafe software converts the - into the " and this needs to be put right. I see this has been here since Taurus and I'm surprised you haven't come up with more. Maybe you don't think it's worth it?

[William A. Wilson]

I'll admit to this, I only read the first paragraph and I will tell you why. Just the first paragraph told me what I needed to know about you and your writing. You seem to have menatlly have access to every word an author might need for when they attempt to be discriptive and you write it well. you don't just attempt but actually DO. I loved how you wrote:

Disoriented, he gathered his flickering consciousness together and opened his eyes. As he’d feared, he was surrounded by a variety of high-tech appliances. The overpowering smell of antiseptics placed him in a hospital.

Alot better then many writers that I know when it comes to word placement and word usage. I was intriged to read more but that was why I stopped as I did not want to stop in the first place, due to only having access to a so vary small portion of your novel. If I may offer something that I can only really offer to you, there are two other websites that I use as well fro writers:

https://writeon.amazon.com/ for only novel writing.
and...
https://www.wattpad.com/ which is also just for writing novels.

I shelf'd your one chapter for later reading, and I hope to read the rest when I find a good portion of time to read it flat out. From one writer to the next, I hope that you might be as hard of a critiqe on my novel though I did not give yours any critism as there was none.
: Nick Flame - The First Spark

I will give this chapter 100/100, good luck with the rest of the novel.

[Joshua Haines]

Great opening. Most definitely want to read more XD