Sleeping words (Emotions of a lonely soul)

Sleeping words (Emotions of a lonely soul)

My soul is a god of loneliness; a god of breaking smile.
I can't find the light; the light of a shining life.
As my words roars in a desert of very little time.
Holy could say that my time should end tonight.

As a plead responsibility to act as a man.
Courageous I am to die as a man;
It was well planned to be here standing;
To serve as barricade against the wave of endless disguise.

As I sleep I see the voice of my destiny.
Swirling around my head a thousand words of senseless meaning.
Here I come, here I go as a God of silent cry.
Here you go recieving my grace in the deep shallow night.

When I wake it means another day to live fighting.
Hearing voices that always makes me scream.
In the forest where my lost mind had gone lost in the dark.
Saying a thing that is out of my hearts intention makes me think.

'I live with senseless people.'

Reviews

[Nonnye]

A poem is very personal for the writer as the reader but I will do my best to give you a useful review. First impression was: good visuals and allegory. There seems to be the underlying story of a young man finding his place in this world. And the frustration of a world that doesn't make since.
Technique: there are a few recommendation. You may want to consider using "The" vs "a" in the second line. It keeps the flow and breaks up the repetition of prepositions. I like you use of "time" but the last sentence lost me. I think a re work for the last line would made that first stanza very strong. The first line of the second stanza; did you mean "As I plead"? The last 3 lines of that stanza are very strong. The third stanza you may want to consider removing "still" the line is very strong without it. the same in the second sentence of the last stanza. "Hearing voices that make me scream" vs using "always makes" To me the sentence is stronger without the modifiers.
Thank you for your read request and posting your work.
Nonnye

[ANTO]

An excellent review Nonnye - excellent!

[J.C. Rabanes]

thanks man... such a constructive review... reworked it now... :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A lot of deep thoughts in the poem.
"As a plead responsibility to act as a man.
Courageous I am to die as a man;
It was well planned to be here standing;
To serve as barricade against the wave of endless disguise. "
The above lines can lead to a long and good conversation. Life can feel like a blind-man walk. I did like the ending. I do feel I'm surrounded by senseless people. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Very good poem. Loneliness is a strange feeling. After a while, it's a cage with no door to open. Sometimes, it feels as a protecting cocoon but I think it's a sort of prison. Difficult to escape from it. Very well done. :) Rudi

[R Smith]

I see you crying in the darkness of despair, a lost and lonely soul, while all around you the people speak but make no sense, there is always a light to the end of every darkness, its just a matter of the journey to it, may your road be even and quick, thank you for such a thought provoking poem :)

[DoormanDan]

You have written quite an uplifting and inspirational piece here, and you used lovely imagery and figurative language to add something special to the atmosphere of this piece. There were a few minor things that I imagine were just typos(easy to miss), such as "As a plead responsibility", but they don't take anything away from this spectacular piece. :)

[Sami Khalil]

We all try to make some meaning, whether positive or negative, in a senseless world with so much injustice and darkness of the souls. Those evil doers are making our paradise like hell on earth. An excellent write...:).........

[J.C. Rabanes]

thanks a lot... ;)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)........................

[J.C. Rabanes]

thanks man... such a constructive review... reworked it now... :)

[ANTO]

Hi JC - Nonnye has provided an extensive review - technically I can add nothing. Personally as a reader I got the sense of confusion and a pleading with things to stop changing so the author can get their bearings and find themselves. Lots of emotive language.