As fate shall have it

As fate shall have it

A Poem by Jyoti_Ablaze
"

Just life

"




There lived a bird, on the top of a tree

She chirped & tweeted in morning spree

Happy and gay, she settled in her nest

Awaiting the day, taking some rest.

 

She never suspected, the day would change

Nothing seemed obvious in far range

But suddenly the rustle stopped altogether,

The sham blue sky changed its colour.

 

Dark, storm clouds veiled the sun

Shadow covers the nest. There’s nowhere to run

Gripped in fear, the bird spread her wings,

To cover her nest and the eggs within

 

Three little eggs nestled there bare

Hatching was near, no time to spare.

The bird was now, anxious and scared.

But summoned courage & came prepared.

 

Wild wind blew, she shuddered with the tree

Rooted her claws and started to plea.

Her heart thundered when the sky broke,

Drenching the earth with giant strokes

 

The rain teared, no caressing drizzle fell

But a torrent, enough to fill a well

Now was the time to take the rein

Not to be panic stricken as bane.

 

The bird knew that the time had come,

To do something and save the eggs from

The merciless rain that poured and poured,

Formed a reservoir, impossible to ford

 

Fluttering her wings in frantic attempts,

She searched for something, anything in contempt

Found a bay leaf floating below

With tact she brought it from the water shallow.

 

She gathered her strength, with the leaf in her beak.

Placed it between her trembling nest and the wind

Like a shield she stood for the sword to strike

Determined to live and ready to die

 

She started to hope that she might win,

But a wild gush of air took the rein.

Knocked her hard and out of the nest

Fate’s whim inflicted woe and distress.

 

The wings rendered her life that eve

But the eggs fell down, nature heaved.

Three little birds never saw the sun,

Died in the shells, act was done!

 

 


© 2017 Jyoti_Ablaze



Author's Note

Jyoti_Ablaze
"Life is unfair and it spares nobody"
I am aware about my incompetence with grammar, any suggestion to rectify the errors will be of great help.
Thank you for your time!

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Featured Review

No!!! you have me in tears right now. Poor thing, nature could be so cruel sometimes. Thanks for writing this wonderful piece. You know, as writers we sometimes hope to move someone with our words; you my dear friend have accomplished just that. So many emotions right now, especially anxiety and desperation. Great Job and thanks for sharing!

Posted 2 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your heartfelt review, Alex!
I am glad you felt the piece! :)



Reviews

this was really good. wonderfully written.
God Bless

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much!
One would expect a happy ending but this poem depicts life as it is. There aren't always happy endings and as you say: Life is unfair. This is great writing and I'm so happy I read it.


100/100

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so very much! I am glad you liked it!
i am a victim of your poems Jyoti....

and believe me, I also care about birds and every single species on earth...a lot.....

liked !!


Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much.
You are right when you say life is unfair. Awesome write I really enjoyed the way you put this together :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Aaron!
You have two stanzas that break from your rhyme scheme and feel a bit off. It interrupts the flow of your reader. There are also a few places that just changing the comma with take care of some of the errors. Here are some suggestions. They are just suggestion, and take them or leave them as you will. The piece rhymes but is not truly metered so it does give you some room to change things a bit.

"Nothing seemed obvious in far range"--maybe "in view's range" would be more precise.

"Shadow over the nest, nowhere to run"--Shadow covers the nest. There's nowhere to run" Short sentences help move the action along and create tension.
"Rooted her claw"--claws

"It weren't small drops that fell"__ I'd consider rearranging this line a bit-- wrong verb tense-- or change the description in stead of using small go for something larger or hard as a description. like 'Mable drops" or "bullet drops" If you want to stay with small or soft. "no caressing drizzle fell"
But a torrent enough, to fill a well__Move comma after torrent that gives you a better pause/
Now was the time, to take the rein (no comma needed)
Not to sit there, panic stricken." "not to sit in panic stricken vane" or "vein"wither will work and take keep your meaning and contest.


"Promising the world, never to stop"- Id change this line completely go to rhymezone.com and find something that rhymes/works with poured. There is a lot you can do and this feels exaggerated and almost like you're not sure.

"Like a shield she stood for the sword to strike"--stood awaiting the arrows to fly (a little different imagery but more appropriate with rain and works with the next line)

"She started to hope that she might win,"--might maintain (just stay safe)

You have a good story and point here. but try to get rid of your "to be" verbs use a bit more descriptive words. Rhymezone is a great place to get new words when you get stuck. it finds rhyme, near rhyme, synonyms, antonyms, related words. It's really an invaluable tool when writing poetry.I know that this looks like a lot, but really they are mostly minor changes. If you do not like some of my suggestions, maybe you can use them as a springboard to find things that work for you.

Most of my reviews are not this long, but when indicated, I do not mind giving specific changes that I would make. Please do not think this means I think your writing is bad. It is not at all. I do think that there are improvements that could take it to WOW.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you, so much JayceeC! I tried to accommodate all your suggestions.
English is not my f.. read more
JayceeC

2 Years Ago

My suggestions are just suggestions. Always take what you like and discard the rest. You do very w.. read more
Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Yes that's what I have done. And rhymezone is a great help.
This is so true life is not fair but it is
what we make of this unfairness that dictates
the quality of our lives if we cower like victims
we will be . great poem Iam bad at grammer
also but bear was of great help to me .

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Bear's review was a great help to me as well!
Thank you for your commentary! :)
butterfly desire

2 Years Ago

Your welcome
Okay, that was surely a twist of fate. I was expecting a happy ending, but the last four lines threw me off guard. Nicely done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you for the commentary! :)
Sebastian Falzarano

2 Years Ago

Your welcome.
No!!! you have me in tears right now. Poor thing, nature could be so cruel sometimes. Thanks for writing this wonderful piece. You know, as writers we sometimes hope to move someone with our words; you my dear friend have accomplished just that. So many emotions right now, especially anxiety and desperation. Great Job and thanks for sharing!

Posted 2 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your heartfelt review, Alex!
I am glad you felt the piece! :)
vivid change of emotions, well portrayed. great narration of nature's wrath. i have a few suggestions, please don't think i'm criticizing.
in 'It weren't the small drops that fell', i felt that 'the' could be removed.
the first line can be changed into 'there lived a bird, perched upon a ___ tree' . by specifying the type of tree, we can add to the feeling and imagery. i have plenty more suggestions and am sure that this poem can be morphed into a masterpiece. Keep writing!


Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you for the review.
Sugesstions were helpful, I appreciate. :)
Great poem Jyoti. I love the way you've told a whole story in your poem and even included a moral! :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

2 Years Ago

Thank you Andrea, for your kind words! :)

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Added on August 22, 2015
Last Updated on February 10, 2017

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Jyoti_Ablaze
Jyoti_Ablaze

Diamond city, India



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