The Girl

In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 

Author's Note

Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspects of this piece (that were quite easy after you pointed out my errors) but i am sure you can still pick out some errors and rightly so for even i feel it needs a bit more framing as well.
Please provide your help. Grateful :)
Thank you again!

[BlackPrince]

This seems more like a wonderful poem, to me,
for the way it's structured, with depth and meaning.
I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO A POEM.

WELL DONE

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your kind words.

[Lydia Shutter]

You paint quite the picture with your words! The emotions are raw and well expressed. Too many look the other way when young vulnerable girls are taken advantage of. Lydi**

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your kind review, Lydia.

[Neville]

Absolutely spot on Jyoti_Ablaze, you just hit the nail on its proverbial head. The message is far too powerful & emotionally charged to notice any minor grammatical flaw......All Good Things, N

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Neville, I am very happy to see you visit my dear piece.
Thank you for your kind review! :D

[Neville]

My pleasure entirely....N

[Moonie]

Well......ummm...that's a beautiful poem right there....I am so glad I checked it out. Imagery's on point...and the whole theme is very well conveyed. Oh yes, and word choice is great! Added to my library!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much moon's daughter! :D

[Shabeeh Haider]

A beautiful poem on a very painful topic. These predators are present everywhere to lure innocent, gullible girls to their doom.
Once the girls have entered into this corrupt world, it then becomes a never ending cycle.
Very well expressed.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Shabeeh! It's a shame that in 21st century we still have this disgusting disease in the society.

[thetish]

Well done you for addressing such a poignant topic.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you. If we want change, its only us who can reinforce the process.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Heartfelt *ouch* more like *whoa* kind of reaction out of me. You have an amazing way of explaining things, that's one of the things i enjoy about your writing the most! Keep up the great work!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much Cyprian! Glad to have your warm review! :)

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

My pleasure Jyoti!

[Philip Muls]

She was fed with so many delicacies and lies. Wonderful wording.

The scars invisible on her luminous body. Such strong contradiction. You would expect the opposite.

Great work.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for the kind review.

[Scrap]

Great for you to write on this subject. I saw the picture and I was ....oh nooooo....

Cant see through the subject. ....im quite emotional now.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sadly a devastating truth of today's world.
Glad u felt the essence.
Thank you!

[Relic]

This is a very sad tale you told very well. As far as constructive criticism, I don't give it anymore and I can see below someone has already taken a lot of time for that. I'll only say that in your second stanza you talk about a teddy bear.

In the next stanza you write: She had never imagined that it would be the end. Without some distinction between the girl and the teddy bear it might be easy for the reader to assume you're still referring to the teddy bear.

Nice writing Jyoti.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Oh well.. I realize that.
Thank you, Relic for your kind words. Very much appreciated! :D