Her

Her

A Poem by Jyoti_Ablaze



That day she witnessed the invisible; 
Of it she spoke with her lips sealed.  
Many ignorant heard her voice; 
Just to let it fade in silence, 
 While she kept on screaming. 



 -jyoti_ablaze

© 2016 Jyoti_Ablaze



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RSB
Now THIS is AWESOME. It totally reminds me of a character I'm writing about and totally hits home. I really really love this

Posted 11 Months Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

11 Months Ago

I would definitely read about that character then!
I am happy that you could relate to it! :)
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...
Very well crafted, and speaks volumes. A thought provoking piece, I've pondered what your piece refers to...a loved one now passed...God?? I love the line 'many ignorant....' that suggests to me the bubble we often stay cocooned in pretending not to notice or hear the cries of others....ignorant indeed!
Stunning little gem. Starz x

Posted 12 Months Ago


...

12 Months Ago

I'm glad I did too
RSB

11 Months Ago

My interpretation was a little bit more personal to me and my spiritual beliefs. I encourage you to .. read more
Jyoti_Ablaze

11 Months Ago

That's a great interpretation!
Short and powerful piece.
Good job, Jyoti.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Nirupama. :)
Hey!
I went through all the comments and nobody seems to have mentioned this so I'm a little nervous to say it, but if I may be so bold...

That day she witnessed the invisible (for me the word 'That' takes attention away from 'the invisible' that is very specific, when you go to 'Of which' something feels off to me and I'm not exactly sure what it is but it disrupts the flow in my opinion, I think 'of it she spoke' fits better?
I would suggest making it 'One day' so it goes with 'of which' or make it 'that day' and 'of it'
Remove the 'and' it's unnecessary and again the poem sounds better without it.
I noticed you have been using commas. If I may suggest using a semicolon after 'invisible' gives it a better pause.
a period at the end of sealed.
semicolon after voice and a comma after silence.
adding 'on' after kept helps the flow too.
I would also suggest removing 'her' from 'her lips sealed', 'of which she spoke with lips sealed' sounds much better.

That day she witnessed the invisible;
of it she spoke with her lips sealed.
Many ignorant heart her voice;
just to let it fade in silence,
while she kept on screaming.

or

One day she witnessed the invisible;
of which she spoke with her lips sealed.
Many ignorant heart her voice;
just to let it fade in silence,
while she kept on screaming.

as for the poem itself, it's thought provoking and I think I spent a while wondering what invisible could mean, is it God? a ghost? does it refer to something kept obscure in a society? so many questions! I would love to know what it is.
I absolutely LOVE the lines 'and many ignorant heard her voice, just to let it fade in silence' to me it shows how even if someone is suffering in silence, it can be obvious and people will choose to be ignorant about it.
Amazing message, makes me wonder how alone she must feel.
Well done!
I went all out omg haha


Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Omg! Thank you very much for the time you have invested in polishing my humble work, which I see is .. read more
Eliot Knight

1 Year Ago

Your welcome :)
Wonderful short poem. You can say so much in such few words!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Salvatore.
Silence is the loudest cry they say!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you!
Sometimes silence speaks loudest of all. So well written and conveyed in so few words. Excellent, thank you for sharing.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Indeed.
Thank you very much for visiting.
There's a few people who can understand silence, but there is.
I just found one who does,, YOU.. :D ...
Great writing ...

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you Shuvadip, for the kind visit and comment.
Beautiful poem with such a powerful message!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you Madi!
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SP
So many things is explained in a few lines

Posted 1 Year Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

Thank you!

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Added on May 27, 2016
Last Updated on September 25, 2016

Author

Jyoti_Ablaze
Jyoti_Ablaze

Diamond city, India



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