My Goose-bucket

This is just...something that I typed for/about my ex-girlfriend. I'm trying to think of ways to show her that I still love her and want to be with her, but since I sort of cheated on her (cheating that isn't cheating, but is cheating) it's going to be ha

   Her smile makes me think that everything is going to be alright. She laughs and says my name and I know that she’ll take care of me. She thinks she isn’t strong, but she’s probably never heard her own heartbeat. We whisper secrets and make up songs and come up with nicknames for each other. We make presents for no reason and sing whenever the mood strikes us.

 

   I love to play with your hair and I try not to because I know that it drives you insane after a while. It’s just one of the only ways I know to show you I care about you without saying it. Or when I touch your cheek. I love the way you look at me.
    Do you remember rose petals? All over the floor. Blankets laid out in attempt to make it more comfortable for you. I had so much planned that I wanted to do, but I ended up with a migraine halfway through and just told myself to at least finish the bed on the floor before laying down. I fall asleep waiting for you, but when I wake your arms are wrapped around me. I’ve never felt so safe before. I want to continue laying this way with you, but one of us does something and the moment is gone.
    I’d give anything to have that moment back again now.
    What about the beach? When you came home from Florida and Valentine helped you pour the sand into a large bowl. You had me close my eyes before you led me to it and told me to put my foot in. You held me tight and told me to open my eyes. Valentine held up the picture of the ocean waves for me to see and my heart almost burst. No one has ever done something that amazing for me. We kissed and Valentine averted his eyes and it was perfect. I didn’t need a real ocean for that moment to be just right. Only you.
    Leaf Blower Day. Now, I’m not even sure who it was that came up with the nickname. Probably me, because I’ve never been very creative. That was the start of everything. You batted your eyelashes at me and hid under the blankets and I don’t know what compelled me to respond the way I did, but I’m so glad it happened. Hence the best year and eighty-five days of my life. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything, but I’d give everything to have it back.
    I lied about a lot of things, and nothing I can say or do will take any of that back. I want you to know, though, that not once did I ever lie when I said I love you and that I care about you. When I said you were smart, beautiful, and talented. I meant those things. I’m here for you and I still want to be your friend and I want to be so much more as well. When I get better, I hope you will give me that chance.

Author's Note

Ciel and I dated for a year and eighty-five days before her mother found a note that I'd written her and we had to break up. I promised that I would wait for her until she was eighteen and she could tell her mother, "Fuck you." After my friend Thomas passed away, I was looking for comfort anywhere that I could find it. I ended up making a stupid choice and kissing this guy and a friend found out and told her about it. She may not ever take me back and, while I don't like it, I would love to at least be friends with her. But even that seems difficult right now... I'm just wishing on every star I see that it works out in a way that makes it happily-ever-after for her.