The Superman

The Superman

A Story by Charles Kadib

While the world was still sleeping he got out of his house, dressed in a track suit and began his daily jog around the neigbourhood. As his fame had increased it had become increasingly important to do his rounds when no one was around to mug him or even confirm that such rounds existed otherwise the next thing you would know is that some crazy fans would start stalking him, time was not a limitation for them. The run usually took him across four streets, or five if he had the time or strenght. In the beginning he had been scared because the streets were so quiet and he rarely bumped into anyone.
strange and violent things could happen, his heart had told him back then, but he had ignored it and now the loneliness was the only thing he loved about the run..the solitude and the quiet. The fresh early morning breeze that surged through his lungs,the deep blue sky that spilled on everything, the treading of his feet as he ran. His feet and his breathing were the only sounds to be heard and all around him were the silhouettes of houses,cars and trees with birds that didn't chirp because they were asleep-the whole world was and he liked it that way, the last man on earth. He liked it because his life was becoming disturbingly filled with people he wished he could do without,people he disliked but had to endure. His producer,his manager, studio attendants, record label heads and worse of all the fans who busied his facebook pages,his email box,his phone lines all of them wanted a piece of his time.there were also endless meetings with sponsors,companies and event organizers who would like him to perform in their numerous talks and shows. At first he had been glad of the attention, he knew how it had all started that day while he was walking aimlessly in his former neigbourhood,looking at the sky and realizing that one day he would be unable to look at it because he would be dead and so before death came he must make a mark on earth. That was the thought back then, it was such a strong determination that he put in so much man-hours and effort into accomplishing, he so wanted to make a mark,he had wanted desperately to live a little...
His run took him into a hilly street and the strain of running up the hill began to tell on his knees but he pushed on,it was not a new thing to him,he had done harder things. He remembered in his university days a visiting psychiatrist had ran some quick tests and diagonised that he was badly afflicted with ADHD and he had been suspecting as much,still he finished with a second class upper level..it had been his brother who had made that powerful statement that was the baine of his life.
'If a man can suceed when he is at war with himself, that man is a super man.'
And it had struck him that though the world was against you and though he couldn't even rely on his own brain but still there was hope,there was a chance that he was a superman. And he had those black days,terrible days when he felt that he could not continue when he felt so weak and little,so insignificant but he had continued to dream just for the hell of it. Looking back at those days he realized that what had kept him going was not determination or hope but fear of continuing as an insignificant being, forgotten by even his best friends and families;he could not live that life,he couldn't bear not existing. He desperately wanted to be noticed, he desperately wanted to be superman and now he was here. Now he was at the top of the hill and looking to clear the fourth street before it became too late in the day..all the allure always went away with prussian blue of the early morning sky, he ran quickly and checked the sky as he ran then halfway through the street he stopped abruptly and began to retrace his steps, he had seen the cars begin to lgnite, birds were beginning to chirp and flutter about in trees,lights glowed through the curtained windows of houses..the world was starting to wake up. At the top of the hill he stood and admired the porshe neigbourhood,the perfectly lawned grass and the costly cars. So this was what he had hustled for. He recalled that somewhere along the line he had begun to think that fame would bring him sastisfaction and now as he watched the houses pick up the light of the rising sun, he asked himself if that had really happened. He was scared of the answer, scared that the struggle with himself would continue. Slowly,he began his descent down the hill..

© 2015 Charles Kadib



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As per your request, I'm reviewing this story. Hope it's helpful. Certainly that's my intent. Use what you can and discard the rest.
1) " As his fame had increased it had become increasingly important to do his rounds when no one was around to mug him or even confirm that such rounds existed otherwise the next thing you would know is that some crazy fans would start stalking him, time was not a limitation for them" -- There are about three sentences in this one. Dividing the sentence would greatly improve the clarity.
2) " In the beginning he had been scared because the streets were so quiet and he rarely bumped into anyone strange and violent things could happen, his heart had told him back then, but he had ignored it and now the loneliness was the only thing he loved about the run..the solitude and the quiet" -- Again, this is about three or four sentences. Try breaking it up and notice what happens.
3) "He liked it because his life was becoming disturbingly filled with people." I'd start a new paragraph with this sentence
4) " At first he had been glad of the attention" -- Generally, we say that someone is happy with attention or pleased with the attention. The sentence should end after "attention."
5) "he knew how it had all started that day while he was walking aimlessly in his former neigbourhood,looking at the sky and realizing that one day he would be unable to look at it because he would be dead and so before death came he must make a mark on earth.' -- This is awkward to me -- first of course the sentence is too long. I think it would be better to treat his desire to make a mark on the world separate from his walking around the neighborhood.
6) "That was the thought back then, it was such a strong determination that he put in so much man-hours and effort into accomplishing, he so wanted to make a mark,he had wanted desperately to live a little..." This is redundant. I would suggest deleting it.
I've decided not to continue to copy specific passages because the entire story has the same problem. Most sentences are way too long. I would use as a rule of thumb that no sentence should be longer than a line and a half. The other goal might be to vary sentence length as well -- some short, some a little longer. The other major issue with the story is that much of it is being "told" instead of shown. Break up the long blocks into paragraphs. I like the story line and I think it could be far more powerful if you focus on showing the scene with specifics -- think again of the five senses. It would help also if you showed him engaged with someone else. Otherwise, it feels very static. A good effort that I think you can improve greatly.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Charles Kadib

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for heeding my request and for the honest review. I really appreciate your going out of.. read more
Charles Kadib

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for heeding my request and for the honest review. I really appreciate your going out of.. read more
good little piece Charles. solid narration and a good eye for details. I also like the auto analysis. the character's inner thoughts are very well expressed and kept me hanging on.
the last sentence I suppose could be taken literally as well as figuratively.
I really enjoyed the read.

Posted 2 Years Ago



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Added on January 7, 2015
Last Updated on January 7, 2015

Author

Charles Kadib
Charles Kadib

Port-Harcourt , Nigeria



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I favour the subtle approach, tiny little details embedded in the work that finally become highly significant in the end..dont know why, maybe cos i like the little guys so much. more..

Writing