Brown

Brown

A Poem by Kari Kush

My innocence was gone 

given away 

I used to dream of it happening 

I would stare into brown big eyes 

as he asked me if I was okay before he injects himself into me 

but that didn't happen at all 

It don't go as planned 

I did stare into brown eyes but they weren't him 

remember brown big eyes didn't want me 

brown big eyes went away 

I had to stare into brown low eyes 

They weren't big 

They weren't him 

They didn't stare back 

They didn't want to be seen 

Brown low eyes didn't ask if I was okay 

Brown low eyes kept looking away 

I knew what I did 

I knew what I've done 

I gave him myself 

Once we became one 

He didn't care 

cause he didn't see 

just like brown big eyes he helped murder me

© 2016 Kari Kush


Author's Note

Kari Kush
Grammar mistakes and spelling
Please give opinions

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Reviews

this poem has tremendous potential. Even in this raw state the ethos is good; the sentiment, stinging; the lyric, visceral. Also, the language "I knew what I did/I knew what I've done" is extremely melodic. I would have pushed the grammar even further: "I knew what I did/ I knew what I'D done." But overall, brava! for bringing us an evocative story of innocence lost.

One thought: Brown eyes. This is a very literal description. Find other ways to enhance the narrative. Use a metaphor or a series of metaphors to describe the brown eyes.


Posted 2 Years Ago


Overall I liked it. In terms of grammar though, Idiomatically, I think it should be "big brown eyes," but if you're trying to be different, that's fine. It was just distracting to me as I was reading it. Also, grammatically it should be "I knew what I'd done" or "I know what I've done"

Posted 2 Years Ago


Nice poem I read it , also like.

Posted 2 Years Ago


this reminds me of a poem I wrote...

Just a warm body

When you invited me over
i thought that you wanted
to see me
but when i saw
the sadness in your eyes
while we were making love
i realized you
just didn't want to be alone

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Well done! thanks for sharing :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

i enjoyed it bc it's an honest feeling/thought that most of us are too afraid to admit that we come across. thanks for sharing

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very nicely done and it has a very good rhyme to it cool^-^

Posted 2 Years Ago



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Added on July 13, 2016
Last Updated on August 25, 2016

Author

Kari Kush
Kari Kush

About
Beginner to writing I write poems and stories. more..

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