Treasure

Just when you think things will never get better, that one person comes along to brighten up your night.

It was on a bright, ice cold winter night in Trishdale, Redca Island that a young girl found herself, once again, all alone. Every few seconds a tear found its way across her pale white cheek. Her body shook and trembled as she coughed with all her might. She was in pain. Both physically and mentally she felt exhausted, yet sleep refused to take her in its arms. She’d been home from school for a few days now, struggling with a bad cold. Normally, if you’re healthy, this is not a big deal. You just have to get through a few days of feeling bad, yet this case was different. For this girl suffered from Cystic Fibroses. Her chest hurt badly and with every breath she took the pain got worse. Another cough escaped her body.

Hang in sweetie pie, hang in, she thought as she tried to breathe evenly and calmly. It didn’t stop the pain, it didn’t even lessen it. For a second, just a few seconds she stopped breathing wanting the pain and the discomfort to stop more than anything in the world. She knew if she didn’t feel better in the morning another hospitalisation waited upon her. Her head appeared woozy at this thought and she felt more pain and nausea welling up. She needed, wanted to scream for help so bad. She needed someone near her. The young girl deliberately drew air deep into her lungs but as she opened her mouth to scream her faced grimaced in pain. Furious flares of fire flamed through her chest and she felt the content of her stomach crawling up. After a few short superficial breaths she felt her body ease up. She inhaled a little deeper and a little more confident with each breath. Carefully she sat up finding it did help a bit. Cautiously she grabbed the mask nebulizer next to her bed and started preparing it with liquid antibiotics.

I wish he was here, she thought as she turned on the machine. As the humid mist whirled its way from the mask to her lungs it immediately comforted her. The soft hum buzzing from the machine together with the comforting steam soothed her. She felt her body relax and with that the pain eased.

‘Who am I kidding?’ she scoffed in the mask, ‘He could never be interested in me.’

That he she was thinking about was, according to her, the most perfect guy in the world. He had been one of her sister’s classmates for years. He was tall, muscular, slim… everything she wanted, basically. They talked from time to time but every time she tried to lift their relationship from acquaintances to friends, his responds had been dismissive. Her eyelids dropped and her mind drifted away. A few minutes later she was on the verge of sleep when suddenly her mobile startled her.

‘If that’s one of my dear classmates I’m going to seriously hit him and/or her,’ she mumbled as she grabbed her phone.

She opened the text and first of all looked at the number yet neither her phone nor she recognised it.

 

“Hey there, your sister told me you’ve been sick again. How are you? Hope you feel better! X”

 

Who is this? She felt her stomach twist with hope.

 

“Yeah, little bit. Thanks for thinking about me! But who are you? I don’t have your number… X”

 

As she waited for a response her mind went over every theory. Could it be one of her old classmates? No, none of them really knew her sister… One of her sister’s friends, maybe? Probably… But who?

Could it be him? The thought had been lingering teasingly in her subconscious from the moment she read the words, yet her conscious mind was too scared to admit the possibility. If it wasn’t, she would feel devastated. She quickly banned the thought from her mind.

Before she could figure out herself who the mysterious messenger was, a beep announced another text. She felt a little shaky as she opened it but it was true. The name of the guy she had only minutes ago thought about appeared on her screen.

Now the “who” question was resolved she wondered “why”. Why text her? Why now?

Could he, maybe, like me the way I like him? The thought crossing her mind made her hopeful and happy yet deep in inside she felt it simply couldn’t be true.

Oh, don’t delude yourself like that, he could do way better. He could have someone who’s actually pretty and nice to be with.

Someone healthy a mocking tone at the back of her head added.

Only a mere minute after she received the last text her mobile beeped again.

 

“Can I come visit you? X”

 

Is he kidding? She trembled as she answered, yet this time it was from excitement.

 

“Oh, sure! When? X ”

 

The response was instant.

 

“Now? X”

 

What? She kept staring at the word, absolutely stupefied. She could not believe it.  Maybe he does like me…

 

“Err, I’d love too but I’m already in bed, so… X”

 

“Now, that’s convenient, I’m at your window! But if you…”

 

She didn’t even finish the text.

No, that can’t be, she thought as she removed the mask from her face and slowly walked over to her window expecting this was all one sick, childish, boyish joke. She was as happy as surprised to find him actually there.

‘Hi,’ she said as she let him in, she could hardly depress a smile ‘I didn’t expect to see you this soon.’

The young man smiled a broad smile, the kind of smile that showed the little scar on the left side of his chin he got while learning how to ride a bike.

Oh god, I remember way to many details.

Simultaneously with an increased heartbeat, the girl felt another cough welling up.

Not now, she thought, he can’t see me like this! But it’s an urge you simply cannot hold in. Hesitantly she coughed, hoping he wouldn’t find it awkward or annoying. He surprised her again by gently rubbing her back to comfort her. For about five minutes they just sat together on her bed silently. Not one word was spoken.

 

Another cough, yet this time not a fierce one. It came from the boy.

‘Look, I’m just going to say what I have to say,’ He said looking her straight in the eye, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’

‘You couldn’t possibly… Don’t lie to me.’ She whispered, not feeling able to look at him ‘You know about the medical stuff.’

‘But, I’m not lying. Honestly. I love you despite all that.’

Another silence fell between them. Another cough. The boy rubbed her back, handed her the box of tissues then went to fill a glass at the washbasin in the corner of the room so she could drink.

Wow, he’s even more perfect than I thought.

When her breathing appeared normal again the young man startled her by laying his arm around her shoulder.

‘You know, about what I just said, I really meant that.’

‘It’s just that I still can’t believe it… There’s no way…’

‘Way. Stop telling me I’m wrong,’ The young man said smiling, ‘I think I know my own feelings better than you do.’

‘But why now? We’ve known each other for years…’

‘To be honest I wasn’t really that interested when I first met you.’

‘Obviously.’

‘Don’t say that,’ as he spoke, he gently placed his finger against her lips, ‘But then your sister started telling all these great things about you in class and then we started talking… The more we talked the more nervous I got around you. Most of the time I just didn’t have the courage to come speak to you, or even be with you at that. The intensity of my feelings scared me. Yesterday I finally got over myself, I finally told myself I was going to talk to you about my feelings. Then your friends told me you were absent… so I talked to your sister and here I am. Finally doing the thing I’ve been wanting to for years.’

Only one word crossed the young girls mind, wow.

 

The young man kept looking after the young girl. In between coughing fits they talked, snuggled and laughed. They had a wonderful time. She felt great, better than ever before yet somewhere deep inside, she felt guilty.

I don’t want him to suffer with me.

The young man’s gaze suddenly became serious, intense as if he could read the mood of her thoughts.

‘I’m proud of you.’ He said, trying his best to make her believe him.

‘What is there to be proud off?’ She answered bitterly.

‘Tons, love. Tons.’ He whispered in a silky voice ‘You’re bright, smart, funny, intelligent, super strong, optimistic, mature, beautiful, sexy, you have beautiful hair and your eyes, your eyes shine brighter than the stars. You know what life is about. You’re special. I’m proud of all that. You’re like a diamond, a rare unbelievably gorgeous treasure. Let me discover you, love. Be my treasure.’

The young girl felt no pain whatsoever and for one blissful, perfect, seemingly everlasting moment she looked at him with eyes so wide they could fit the ocean, utterly gobsmacked.

‘See, those are the eyes I meant,’ He smiled as he softly placed his lips against her forehead, ‘that’s the girl I love.’

 

The next day the girl was hospitalised yet this time she had a blissful, playful smile around her lips. And the young man? He visited her every day ever since.

Reviews

[TheSweet]

'Terribly corny and totally not likely to happen' - it's perfectly plausible and yes, terribly cheesy, but still that isn't the problem. It's nice an uplifting story that plenty of people love to read this kind of thing. So the concept is great.

My only problem is it needs a little work writing wise. There are a few mistakes at the start like 'That he she was thinking about' should be 'That who she was talking about' - If you keep it like that.

I think you'll benefit from a harsh bit of editing - where you literally take every sentence and paragraph and re-word everything so it sounds exactly how you mean it to come across. I think it's always difficult to get someone else to understand because you already know the story. So perhaps you can edit some like that (which isn't overly important at this point.)

Other than that, there are just bits and pieces for continuity and realism that stand out - so here's me being picky. The paragraph starting 'As she waited for a response her mind went over every theory...' after she gets the text isn't needed. That fact that it's him is obvious to the reader so you should focus on her thoughts specifically... Starting that with 'Could it be him? The thought...' Works just fine on it's own.

Also, I have some personal issues with the concept of love - but perhaps it's just me being a miserable cynic. I think love in this context is too hasty a word and the focus can be on liking or trying to find interest. Mainly because the characters need a little more down-to-earthiness. Here's a small piece of advice that's benefited me massively - people inherently misunderstand each other'. So basically - make them more confused, make them more three dimensional, make them more socially awkward - anything realistic. Take your time on this. It's not simple to think about :)

My last point here is your written style. It starts off as a narrative, using slang as if the reader is being spoken to by the author, and then it drifts into basic third person before the last sentence brings it back to narrative structure. I'd recommend picking one or the other and trying to keep that up for the whole story.

That's not to say I disliked it at all. There are some great lines that drew me in, like description of the illness at the start: 'Furious flares of fire flamed through her chest'. The concept is sweet and the 'bedtime stories' idea is a good one. Hope this helps. Keep it up :)

[Murph]

Another lovely story, Caro. One thing I'm thinking about is your perfect characters. Everyone has a flaw, whether physical or the way they speak or think, etc. When you add flaws to your characters, they become more alive and people can better relate to them. Even if the guy outside the window wears goofy sweaters that his grandmother knits, it paints a better picture of who we are supposed to be thinking of. I really enjoy your stories and look forward to reading more!

[Everson Taveras]

"That he on her mind would be the guy she considers to be the most perfect guy in the world." I didn't get it. Be sure to revise your writing before you publish it.
Recognize not "reocognise"
"Now the who question was resolved she wondered why" Try this: Now that the "who" question was resolved she wondered "why?" Why text her? This is an excellent opportunity to dig deeper into her worries and hopes.
"He whispered in a silky voice," and "she looked at him with eyes so wide they could fit the ocean, utterly gobsmacked." That's absolutely brilliant.
Now, I will say this: there's a flaw in the story. Or perhaps you weren't looking carefully. As they sit side by side in her bed, he begins to say all these wonderful things about her, and, as it is common in all your "bedtime stories" he confesses his love for her. My question is, How could he say all of those great things about her if they only talk from "time to time"? Is this over the course of many years or several weeks? Specify. And if he really does like her as much as he claims he does, why didn't he spend more time with her? Why didn't they talk more?
I don't meant to nitpick at this story. As as writer, all we can do is be honest with each other. Constructive criticism, in other words.
Besides that, keep them coming.