Chapter 4

A ROOSTER crows loudly until it is hit by an arrow and explodes into feathers.

Leelass is at the window holding his bow.

LEELASS

What does it take to get some sleep around here?

Lylass enters and an arrow is shot into the door missing his face by inches. He sighs.

LYLASS

Good morning.

LEELASS

Is it?

LYLASS

What's wrong with you?

LEELASS

That stupid chicken woke me up that's what.

LYLASS

I believe the correct term is rooster.

LEELASS

Whatever it was I took care of it.

A FARMER comes out of his hut and finds the rooster dead on the ground. He begins to cry and drops to his knees.

farmer

Why lord! WHY!

Lylass peers out the window at the Farmer and gives Leelass a stern look.

LEELASS

What it's his problem his bird woke everybody up in the mornings. I just did this village a favor.

LYLASS

What is the matter with you?

Lylass turns to the Farmer.

LYLASS

(Shouts To Farmer)

My sincerest apologies good sir.

FARMER

You son of a!

Lylass slams the window shut before the Farmer can finish.

LEELASS

So how'd that turn out for you mr rightous?

LYLASS

Would you shut up and at least try to be more civil to people's lively hoods.

LEELASS

Um hello there isn't just one theif in this room right now.

Lylass shakes his head at Leelass and goes to leave but Leelass grabs him by the arm.

LEELASS

Listen to me. You and I steal from people like that poor farmer every damn day and you've never once pittyed it before. Ever since our parents and sister died you've been an epic tool and pain in my a*s. Now I suggest you bring my brother back before we get to Feble or we are going to be hung before we have a chance to steal expensive bow you got that?

LYLASS

Are you quite done?

LEELASS

No!

Leelass knocks the mugs off of the table, picks up his arrow bag and begins snapping all of his arrows then throws himself on the bed in a psycho tantrum as if he was a two year old.

Lylass just rolls his eyes and exits the room.

LYLASS o/s

I'll be outside with the horses.

Leelass gathers himself and his things. He pauses at the door.

LEELASS

We didn't have any horses.

Leelass runs out of the tavern and over to Lylass who is hitching up his white STALLION.

Leelass grins at him cheekily.

LEELASS

Where did you get those.

LYLASS

From a nearby farm.

Leelass chuckles.

LEELASS

Welcome back brother I knew you just needed a bit of tough love.

Little Red emerges from behind Leelass.

LITTLE RED

They were a gift. Not a steal.

Leelass turns and upon seeing her his face goes to misary.

LEELASS

Oh so you've been the one controling my brethern I see. Well this simply will just not do. I challenge you to a....

Little Red knees Leelass in the groin.

LEELASS

(In a high pitch squel)

Again ( a beat) really.

He drops like a sack. Little Red just walks off.

LYLASS

I don't know about you brother but I like her.

LEELASS

(In A Weak Whisper)

If my balls weren't in my throat right now I'd kick the s**t out of you.

LYLASS

Oh lighten up and get on your horse. We must make haste if we plan to be in Feble by tomorrow.

Leelass gets himself up and onto the black STALLION.

LEELASS

We will cut through Harperwood forest it will take an hour from our journey.

A LITTLE GIRL approaches Leelass and Lylass.

little girl

Sirs, Sirs you must not cut through Harperwood forest.

LEELASS

And why not?

LITTLE GIRL

Because there are faires in there and they don't like new comers.

LYLASS

With respect my child. Don't be a sack brain fairies do not exist.

The Little Girl looks at Lylass as if she wants to cry. Then she does.

The townsfolk look to Lylass who looks guilty.

LYLASS

Sack brain I meant pee brain I meant (a beat) oh never mind.

LEELASS

Good one Mr Rightous.

LYLASS

Let's get the hell out of here.

They ride off.

Vienna and Bumble are staring evily at the walls in the castle's main quarters area.

Eventually Vienna turns to her mother.

VIANNA

Mother it's been two hours since I've stretched my legs.

BUMBLE

You still have another thirty minutes remaining.

VIANNA

I think I've mastered my death stares enough for one day.

Bumble turns to her and shouts as if she was an angry grizzly bear.

BUMBLE

YOU CAN NEVER DO ENOUGH DEATH STARES!

Vianna leans back from her quite intimidated. Bumble comes down and smiles at her daughter.

Jock enters.

JOCK

My queen.

Bumble goes straight into death stares on him. Jock looks creeped out by her stare.

BUMBLE

Your intimidated by my death stares are you not Jock.

JOCK

(Sarcastically)

Oh yes quite terrified.

BUMBLE

You see when your queen even the toughest of tough will grovel at your feet.

Jock remains standing until Bumble turns to him and clears her throat several times as if warning to him. Then he quickly grovels at her feet.

BUMBLE

As I was saying.

VIANNA

Save it mother. I'm tired and I'm going to rest.

Vianna takes off her crown and rests on her chair.

BUMBLE

But it's almost lunch time.

The crown has QUEEN IN TRAINING written on it. Bumble picks it up and gives it to Jock.

JOCK

What am I to do with this?

BUMBLE

Wear it.

JOCK

But your highness.

Bumble goes right back to her evil stare at Jock. Jock puts on the crown and sits next to Bumble.

She uses her fingers to whistle.

BUMBLE

IT! Where is that bone headed bafoon with my feast?

Crash noises are heard from the kitchen and in walks IT a short and chubby girl wearing a raggy dress. She carries in her hand a shiny silver BOW.

BUMBLE

Where in all of kingdoms name have you been?

it

(Talks with a lisp)

Watching over the bow my queen.

BUMBLE

Right of course (a beat) WHAT! Why is the bow out of the tower? You know to never bring the bow out of it's domain.

IT

Sorry.

JOCK

My queen please let me make it up to you by laying the smack down on this idgit.

IT is now playing with the bow as if it were an aeroplane.

BUMBLE

I care not what you do with her just get the bow back to the tower.

JOCK

Right away your highness.

Jock puts the crown on the chair and drags IT away by her arm.

BUMBLE

Have a slave check on my damn food and inform Brenda she's late for my sponge bath.

Bumble sits all alone now.

BUMBLE

I don't know why I ever had that stupid idgit of a thing created. She was supposed to help protect the bow from thieves but we never get any of them around here anymore.