Exploring yourself with a knife

Exploring yourself with a knife

A Story by M.Kilani

What's on my mind... Well, I had fun tonight, wasn't much like old days but it was great seeing some old friends and meeting new people, I probably wasn't the most joyful person in the place, sure I looked like a dead man on vacation, but it's because of the flu, or at least that's what I've been saying...

The storm was alright so far, it was a nice ride home, not much of a thrill though, even when I went up to 70MPH with the windshield wiper off, but it was... alright.

But to be honest I tried to break out of this state, you know feeling like a part of a narrative, where you just go with the flow waiting for a plot twist, but I know that wasn't going to happen, so I tried to make my own twist; break the fourth wall, explore my options and make a move and meet some new young lady who could make a change, but... The odds were against me, perhaps I was the one going against the odds... I just couldn't find what I'm looking for, I just kept hanging around like I've been waiting for the sun, but it was thirty minutes to midnight, and I knew I had to choose, but whatever was there wasn't my taste... Of course fun sounds good but it was like switching radio channels while having my own personal playlist... Then I figured; why not shuffle that playlist, hitting next button time after time, waiting for a surprising song on that list, but knowing very well that this 5-hours playlist won't have anything new in there no matter how fast I hit the next button...

So I got back to the atmosphere, back to the radio station... I knew nothing of those tracks and the ones I enjoyed for a bit were catchy but too electronic... fake.

There I was, a well established man with a decent job, decent looks and a decent car... all alone among some strangers and friends, trying to fit in... fit in? Do I really want to fit in? Or just want people to fit me?

Back to the narrative, breaking this fourth wall feel more like exploring yourself with a knife...

So a friend came and told me that he loves my writings, loves my thoughts, my cigarettes, my lighter, my style, and he said in my mother tongue that he loves me the most because I'm the only person he knows in this country who likes Tom Waits... Now I truly admire his words, they make the exploration less painful... but then it hit me, I like Tom Waits, maybe this is why I don't fit in... but so does he! And he had better time than I had in the past 5 years! 

I remember when I first met him I advised him not to take it seriously, but here I am more serious and more dry than a funeral drum, even when many tried to cheer me up I was truly a dead man on a vacation, giving an advise to another friend; "Enjoy life with whatever shot it brings."

Now it seems that they have been breaking my walls - not the fourth wall of course - many other have been trying but I am still here, feeling more suffocated by their attempts, grateful but  it seems they were pushing the walls closer rather than knocking them down... 

Now I know it is all my fault, I know they are trying to help, I know for sure that I need to break those walls from within and I'm being held back by the concept of being decent, right, professional and a man of morals, no one said that those values are nothing but a punishment for the free,or at least the one who used to be.

Now I will go hit the shower and prepare for bed, and I will be waiting for someone or something to show me the way, maybe change my job, see an old friend, meet a new one or just drive again in the rain, but I'll leave you with one advice; life is too short, never spend much of it exploring yourself with a knife.

© 2016 M.Kilani



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Added on December 13, 2016
Last Updated on December 13, 2016

Author

M.Kilani
M.Kilani

Amman, Jordan



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