Chapter 1 (Elves are real!)

Chapter 1 (Elves are real!)

A Chapter by AmateurWriter01

An explosion goes off blowing a large hole in a cavern wall.  As the smoke and dust begins to dissipate a group of people make their way up to the hole they created.  The group consists of 3 men and an obviously pregnant woman that was ready to pop at any time.

            One of the men is slightly larger in height and muscle wise than the other two takes point waving the cloud of dust away.  The other men follow close behind with lanterns lighting the way.  They quickly notice the lantern's light wont pierce through the unnatural darkness that fills the hole. 

            The big guy steps forward with his hand extended in front of him.  As his fingers touch the blackness it sticks to them like tar searing his flesh slightly.  He quickly pulls his hand back seeing the burns on his fingers quickly fade away like magic.  He clenches his hand a few times then glances back to the rest of the group for their suggestions.  One of the men says to him,

                        "Sir, I don't know if we should continue.  I have a bad feeling about this."

The lady takes offense by his comment and says,

                        "We have spent over 10 years searching for this.  We can’t give up now."  Her hand comes to her stomach as she says "Also for some reason I feel I am meant to be here."

            The big guy looks at her curiously for a second before turning back to the blackness nervously.  He takes a deep breath before closing his eyes and stepping into the blackness.  The rest of them can only stand watch as he groans in pain hearing the sizzling noise of it searing his flesh as the blackness slowly envelops him.  After a long couple of minutes of them wondering if he is okay, the blackness slowly begins to melt away.

            As it disappears they see him on the other side with smoke billowing off his body like he was just on fire.  They quickly make their way up to him to see if he is okay.  All his skin that is not covered by clothes are riddled with burns that are slowly but almost magically healing.  The clothes for some reason seem unharmed by whatever caused his burns.  The lady touches his shoulder with concern asking,

                        "Babe are you okay?"

            Not even responding to her he just points to the room in front of him.  They all turn their attention to a massive treasure room filled with gold coins and other various treasures.  In the very center of the room lying on a raised dais is an intricately made sarcophagus.

            The sarcophagus is made of highly reflective chrome-like metal.  Wrapped around it's seal is a crimson silk ribbon with unknown writing on it with golden filigree.  The strange thing about the sarcophagus is there is no dust on it like the rest of the room.  Also, even though it is highly reflective it's not picking up any of the images from around the room. 

            The big guy and the lady make their way over to the sarcophagus, while the others check out the rest of the room.  He places his hand on her shoulder to stop her from advancing further.

                        "Why don't you wait here, I don't want anything happening to you."

            She nods in agreement keeping one hand over her stomach.  He slowly makes his way up to it almost expecting some sort of trap.  Even standing next to it, the chrome-like metal doesn't pick up his reflection.  He slides his hand over its surface feeling that it's so slick his hand feels like its gliding over air.

            He begins trying to remove the lid but because of its slick surface his hands slide right off unable to get any form of grip on it.  Then he tries to rip and cut the ribbon, only to fail again.  He eventually calls the other guys over to help with their tools but again it just seems impossible.

            Just as they begin to give up and the woman walks up to it almost being drawn to it some how.  As she gets close she has a sharp pain in her stomach almost like the baby inside her was reaching out for the sarcophagus.  She turns to brace herself against the sarcophagus.  Her hands meld into the metal and a burst of bluish energy shoots outward from the sarcophagus throughout the whole room.

            The ribbon begins to slowly disintegrate into dust as the lid to the sarcophagus melts away.  The liquid metal trickles down the sides of the sarcophagus hitting the floor and instantly evaporating.  They all rush to check on her as she stands letting them know she is okay.  Then they all turn stepping towards the sarcophagus looking into it.  They notice wrapped up in a blanket made of the same crimson silk is a sleeping baby.

The baby almost looks human with a few unique features.  It has pale almost white skin, platinum white hair, and pointed ears.  They all smile to each other in amazement realizing they actually found a real life elven baby.

            The big guy notices a necklace around its neck with a strange amulet.  He reaches down gently lifting the amulet to get a better look at it.  The outer edge of the amulet looks to be the made of the same chrome-like metal as the sarcophagus. it looks to be shaped like an ornate crescent moon with a females face etched into it.  The crescent shape of the moon seems to be embracing almost hugging a sun in the middle with a man's face etched into it.  He turns the amulet over noticing etched on the back is a single word in an unknown language.

He gently lowers the amulet  back down and turns his attention to the baby. To check to see if the baby is alive he carefully lifts it from the sarcophagus.  This causes the baby to awaken with a wide yawn and looks up to him with its glowing emerald colored irises and smiles.

© 2017 AmateurWriter01

My Review

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It's a bit mechanical how you write it, so it's hard to get excited although this is a novel idea. If you formatted your writing less like a list (for example, at the end you write, "He checks the amulet. Then he checks to see if the baby is alive," essentially). It's like you're writing down a checklist. "Get the car. Then pick up the kids. Then walk the dog." Try changing the language. You could say something along the lines of, "He reached down and lifted up the amulet. Turning it over, he saw a single word engraved on its golden (silver, wooden, whatever) surface in an unknown language. Setting it gently back down, he lifted the baby from the sarcophagus and checked to see if it was breathing." Phrasing it in that way kind of eliminates that checklist-y type of feeling. Adding dialogue would further help. For example, the woman or one of the two men could ask, "Is the baby alive?" or, "What's that amulet around its neck?" This breaks up his actions even further. This is just one specific example, but really it could be applied to your writing style as a whole.

Posted 8 Months Ago


8 Months Ago

Thanks alot for the help. That does make it sound alot better and make the sentences flow better. .. read more

8 Months Ago

That's alright, we all start somewhere. I still have a lot of improving to do as well. You take crit.. read more

8 Months Ago

Thank you again.
Interesting. If you removed most of the adverbs the writing would be much tigher. Other then that good start.
I have two questions, why was the big guy so willing to go forward and did he die that was not clear.

Posted 9 Months Ago


9 Months Ago

Well there is stuff about him that he kind of knew he would be okay. Later on in the story it is re.. read more

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2 Reviews
Added on August 29, 2017
Last Updated on November 9, 2017




Temple, TX

Greetings everyone. If you are here you seemed to be interested in me. Well I am a brand new writer that has only been writing for a little over a year now. I am looking to make some friends on.. more..