Chapter 1 -Journal

November 28, 2012

Dear Journal,

            “I had a good day today. I’m getting used to my life being this hectic. Sometimes, I can’t believe I actually got through the day without going crazy. However, considering some of the things I’ve experienced in the past two years, losing my mind here would be unbelievable. And that’s exactly what has been on my mind lately. How did this all begin exactly.

             You know those things that come back from the past and bite you in the butt. People say it’s karma but what if you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. That’s life for you, bad things happen to good people. When those things happen, most of the time it affects other people’s lives too or has a chain reaction. You also learn things that stick with you forever.

           Secrets are created and that are not meant to be told ever. I learned a secret like that and now it just sits in the back of my mind festering. What happened to me, me and my brother, was bad. It changed me but it did make me who I am today. It started a long time ago, I wasn’t even born yet. Now, unfortunately, my brother and I are the only ones left of my family.

            We are watched over by our mothers two friends, they take care of us so we can stay together. We go to a boarding high school not too far away from our home just in case we are needed. Although, I'm just a high school student, I play a very important role in a place that I can tell no one I know nothing about and my brother is my council. When anything goes wrong there I have to take charge. My mother's friends warn us and then we leave to take care of it. I know that it isn’t my responsibility, but I feel that it is. Their world needs order too and I can help it with that.

          Sometimes I ask myself is it really worth living in two worlds, living two lives. I don’t know and I’m not sure but I will as long as I can do something about it, as long as I live. I didn’t start this but I will finish it because isn't it a daughter's place to fix her mother's mistake. I don't know if that is true but I'll try. It started the day my mother made a new friend. What she didn't know was that at that same moment, she also created our enemies.

            Maybe one day I'll be able to tell someone else my story but for now I'll keep it to myself. I don't even know if they would believe me and if they did would they except me. Until then...”

            Jessica yawned and put down her pen. She closed her journal, locked it, and put on her nightgown. She got in bed and snuggled under her covers. Sighing, she turned to the lamp and switched it off. She laid on her back in the dark for a brief moment. This was her life now and no matter what happened, she would make the best of it. She turned to the side and closed her eyes.

Reviews

[Maria Mercurio]

Well it has a nice hook - what happens to her when she goes away and where does she go? Good draw in.

I think in the final paragraph you need to get in her head a bit more and give us some honest emotions she is feeling about what she just wrote in her journal. It would help the reader have empathy for her and draw them in

Small grammar changes
"Her and her brother"- she and her brother
closed up, but not her brother
just as secretive, if more so.
I didn't start this, but I will finish it

needs re-wording
When those things happen, most of the time it affects other people’s lives too or has a change reaction of events.

Keep it up!

[Kate Whitaker]

Very nice, just mysterious enough to get me wanting more.

[CLUTZ]

This is very intriguing. The beginning couple paragraphs were a little slow, they need to be re-worked, but the journal entry was really well written and did well to pull me in. In my opinion the journal entry could be the start of this chapter and you could fit all the important details from the beginning paragraphs into the entry. I personally don't think the first couple paragraphs are necessary, but that's my opinion.
Other then that this was really good.