"My song"

 Danielle, Oh Danielle

You are such a beauty to behold

I curse oh how I curse my name

For letting you slip out in vain

 

I shoulve grabbed some glue

And made me stick to you

But I was carless

Mostly foolish

 

Letting things get in the way

And not knowing what to say

Waiting to long

Oh how that W word

Plays in my mind

 

Like a broken record

The record of life

With the needle bouncing

Scratching my life

 

Leaving wounds that never heal

Constant reminders of what things are

A broken record swirling in place

 

The song is made and cannot be remixed

The hissing sound coming from the horn

The beat no one wants to dance to no more.

 

This Is my song.

My eyes tell lies but my heart speaks truth

The truth that one-day

I can have my duet with you

Reviews

[Texas]

I like it.

Constructive criticism: 1) in the second to last stanza try "The hissing sound coming from the horn./The beat no one wants to dance to no more." 'More' rhymes with 'horn' (duh). 2) in the last stanza, try "The truth that one-day/I can sing my duet with you." or "The truth that one-day/I can have my duet with you."

It's a great poem. And with a little tweaking, I think it could be even better. I can tell you put your heart and soul in this poem. Not everyone gets constructive criticism from me. I try to make it a positive criticism.

[M. Amphet Salt]

If this had form and rhythm I would have not like it because if you was speaking of not getting the girl and then had good form the effect would have not have been there. You do well with your word play and differing stanzas show the internal emotional struggle of the speaker.