Her beautiful eyes....

Local trains are the lifeline of Mumbai..It influence the commuters in many ways everyday.. this is my experience of a day...when I saw that magnificent art by god himself.

Train journey has never been such beautiful. All thanks to her beautiful eyes.

 It was a crowded train. A bhajan group who were busy praising Durga Maa occupied most of the seats. And they were so loud that even Linkin Park from my head phone lost to them. I was standing amidst them with no place to sit.

 The train reached next station. A guy from the bhajan group got down. I occupied his seat. I took out Da-Vinci from my bag.The bhajan group was not to give up, they started a brand new Sai Baba bhajan. And the fate ordered Da-Vinci to march back to its den.

 Closing my eyes, I distanced myself from all the ongoings. A stamp on my foot woke me up to witness her beautiful eyes. I could only see her eyes as she was in a burkha. Twice she blinked her priced possession…but said nothing.

 A lady next to her said, “Bhaisab…ladies ko bhaitne do naa!”("excuse me let the ladies sit")

And the next moment owner of that beautiful eyes and myself exchanged our places. 

 I couldn't look elsewhere but her mesmerizing eyes. Her mother catching me in the crime struck me. But my two b******s were uncontrollable.

 End of Sai Baba regime. Now it was a Krishna bhajan. Unlike earlier bhajans, this was a soft melodious one.Why didn't they sing this before…at-least I would have completed a chapter of Da-Vinci!

 My eyes rolled back to hers.

 To my surprise, her eyes were already fixed on mine. This is impossible!But all this below listed questions were already f*****g my brain:

 1. Did she actually look at me?

 2. Or was it just my infatuation?

 3. If she was looking at me, does that mean she was responding to my ugly stares?

 4. Or was that a warning which stated “The next time you do that…I assure those lollipops would be pulled out of your socket! ”

5. Do I know her?

 I gave her another glance. Oh, my GOD! Her Beautiful Eyes were pounced on mine. More and more questions lined up and intrigued me. But then I thought…Who gives a damn…let me enjoy this moment!

 We continued staring each other. Not even once she blinked her eyes. ‘Doesn’t it strain her?’… I said to myself.

 I excused myself just to make sure her mother is not sensing this. Thank you, Bhagwan…or…Allah(on her behalf)…she was no-were in the scene.

 And I was back in action. Her eyes were fixed stone cold on mine. 

 A strange feeling entered me….it wasn’t HAPPINESS…it wasn’t SORROW…I don’t think anyone has named it yet.

 Her mesmerizing eyes were hypnotizing me. And the Krishna bhajan playing in the backdrop was adding beauty to this scene. I gave her a smile that I was not proud of. She didn’t smile back but was still staring at me.

 The train was slowing down as it was approaching Matunga station.

 My Heart beat grew faster. What do I do next?….slip my phone no. in a paper piece…ask her out for her number…or should I just do nothing…or…! 

“Ammi…station pahucha kya?”("mom…has the station arrived?") she asked.

“Haan beti…abi pahuchega”…(" yes my dear it will now") her mother responded placing her hands on her daughters shoulder,

“Bhai sab…thoda jaga dena….ladki ko dikai nahi deta”… (excuse me.. could you please step aside..this girl is blind") was her next sentence which left me completely dumb struck for the next few mins.

 Her mother helped her rise and they both left hand-in-hand. I struggled to find breath…I struggled to believe the last lines said by her mother.

 I tried to peep out of the window for a last glance…but to no avail. By the time, the Krishna Bhajan also came to a halt.

 That was the last time I saw her…her beautiful eyes…I realized she was lost…and lost forever…………………………………­……………………………!

Author's Note

this is my first time...please evaluate critically....and healthy constructive reviews accepted..

Reviews

[Crimson Apples]

A* train ride has never been so (I would use a different word here). All thanks to her beautiful eyes.

It was crowded, and a bhajan group who were busy praising Durga Maa occupied most of the seats.
And they were so loud that even Linkin Park from my head phone lost to them.

You could also reword it.
"Occupying most of the train seats, bhajan group drowned out my music with their praises to Durga Maa."

The train reached next station. A guy from the bhajan group got down, and I took his seat.
(you could try to vary the words you use)
I took out Da-Vinci from my bag.The bhajan group were not to give up, they started a brand new Sai Baba bhajan. I put it back as Fate ordered Da-Vinci to return to its den.

And the nest moment owner of those beautiful eyes and myself exchanged our places
"And the next moment, the owner of those beautiful eyes and myself exchanged places. "

My eyes rolled back to hers.
My eyes sought hers out?

It was a great read anyhow, AWESOME JOOOB!!!
I loved the last thing the blind girl's mother said. It was shocking, a twist in events. *applause*
Linkin Park is awesome, and these are just some suggestions... Anyway, I'll be looking forwards for more!

[Knight Writer]

THANKS A TON FOR THE REVIEW.....YES..WILL TRY TO POST NEXT ONE SOON.....

[Crimson Apples]

Your welcome! That would be awesome =)

[Solar]

What a journey and what a revelation! Enjoyed reading it.

[Knight Writer]

thanks for reading.....

[Suraj Nair]

It was a nice one,felt like a reality.

[Knight Writer]

thnks...brother...it is reality

[Lox]

I mean no offense but there are flaws in your grammar. I'm not saying I'm a pro at it but there are sentences which lack connectors making the output sort of choppy.

I love the content, the structure is what I want you to work on my friend. I see yourself in expressing how you feel, if I may infer, this is based in real-life experience? Is it?

My friend, I mean no personal gain in reviewing your flaws, I think that by stating such flaws will help you grow more as a writer, I think such is the way of reviewing.

I want you to create more pieces my friend! Ones in which you will hone your skills and what you've learnt from all the reviews you've gotten. Forge all the reviews into one fine blade! And stab the readers hearts with it!

I will continue supporting your works! Message we if you want someone to review your pieces, Mr. Pillai. :)

[Mahi sain(Mahesh)]

Really nice story,and ending is so nice
thank for share,
waiting for other new story,,,

[Knight Writer]

thnks....for the review

[Mahi sain(Mahesh)]

Your always welcome bro.

[FreedomFighter]

wow! the ending was magnificent, great theme and awesome flow

[Knight Writer]

thank you!!!