Chapter 2 Arleigh

Chapter 2 Arleigh

A Chapter by Kaelyn Shea

Chapter 2 Arliegh

“Dude did you ask her out yet?” said Oliver Lee, Arliegh's best friend who was not as quiet or shy as Arliegh. “No, the bell rang before I could get it out. Man I must have looked like a freaking idiot! God I can’t believe I didn't just ask her out I mean, I'm supposed to the older cooler less scared high school guy.” Arliegh said thinking over what had happened that morning. “Last year you were always sort of rude to her. Well, I guess not rude exactly, but you acted kind of stuck up. I hope that you realize everyone but apparently Kaelyn knew you liked her. You kind of made it obvious dude.” said Oliver “How did I make it obvious?” “You were always staring at her. It was very obvious.” “Oh, I did?” “Yep,”

. . . .

“I’ve made a decision on what I'm going to do.” said Arliegh the next day with a determination that Oliver hadn't seen ever come out of his friend. So Oliver asked “So what are you going to do?” “I’m going to ask her in 2 days. I need time to pick the right words out and figure out what I'm going to do. I don't want another episode of yesterday.” “Oh that's a good idea I like the way you are thinking” That was Wednesday.

 

Thursday he still had no idea what he was going to say or do he was having trouble thinking about asking her when all he could see was her big innocent looking brown eyes. He knew there was a bad girl in there and he liked the fact she could hide it so well from everyone but him. She thought he still thought she was the perky-try-to-be-involved-in-everything-I-can-cheerleader. But Arliegh knew better whenever he was around she put on a certain type of an  ' I'm a bad girl.' edge. He thought it was cute and when he started going out with her that would be out all the time he would make sure of it. He had to have her because he was noticing that Will Ashford, who was very muscular, tanned and a football/basketball player was starting to hit on Kaelyn. If Will thought that Arliegh was going to let him get away with flirting with Kaelyn, he had thought way wrong. Arliegh was in high school and could get just about any eighth grade girl he wanted and he had picked his girl of choice. No one was going to have her, she was his and no one was going to take her away from... “Arliegh! Get out of your dreamland and answer what the square root of 85 x Q is if Q is 17. For Pete's sake you are going to fail already you don't pay attention!” said Mr. Gunther, the annoying Algebra one teacher. “Uh... I don't know.” said Arliegh obviously annoyed that the teacher interrupted his thoughts of revenge and planning. She was his.

The next morning when Arliegh got up he knew exactly what he was going to do. He went through his normal morning routine and then when he went downstairs he had the whole house to himself. His parents always left at 6:30 for work. He wrote a fake note saying that he wasn't coming to homeroom because he had to take care of his sister for a little bit and would be back in time for first period. His little sister was really visiting some family in another state. Then he forged his mother’s signature and headed out the door to start the short walk to Lutheran Day School. It was a private school and he had gone here last year and knew it well. Once he got inside he went straight to locker number 192. This was her locker. At 7:30 she walked in. “God she looked beautiful!” he thought.




© 2010 Kaelyn Shea



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I liked this, you can see the story developing. It will be much better once it's been padded out more but that comes later when the whole story has been written.
Where you have your longer sentences you could take a pause and have some character interaction in between. Like at this part "No, the bell rang before I could get it out. Man I must have looked like a freaking idiot! God I can’t believe I didn't just ask her out I mean, I'm supposed to the older cooler less scared high school guy.” You could break it up after the word idiot and have him move around or run a hand through his hair, anything to break it up and have some more interaction going on as that will bring more depth to your characters. It will also build the relationships between them a little more.
And towards the end where you write "God she looked beautiful!" You could put why he thought she looked beautiful, it's your opportunity to show her off =)
I do think this is very good.
Although everyone will have their own opinions I personally don't agree with the comment 'You keep writing and not reading and this sort of quality will come from you till the day you die" in one of the previous reviews because I think the important thing to remember is that you're 14, your writing style will become more in depth and developed as you practice and get a little older.

Posted 7 Years Ago


You need to read more. Polish your syntax because from paragraph to paragraph, I didn't feel the scene or the characters. For example, "The next morning when Arliegh got up he knew exactly what he was going to do. He went through his normal morning routine and then when he went downstairs he had the whole house to himself." Describe the house, how sleepy he is or how awake he is. Something to make us feel the characters. The dialogue is artificial, and you can tell these things by reading your work out loud. It'll show, trust me. BTW, this is to help you. I don't want to give you the impression that I am trying to hurt your feelings. You ever see "Pleasantville"? That's what the dialogue reminded me of. I am going to say this because I wish someone would of told me this when I forced them to read my earliest writing. I had to make myself finish this. Read more and you will naturally improve. You keep writing and not reading and this sort of quality will come from you till the day you die.

Posted 7 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

awww thanks

Posted 7 Years Ago


Wow, I love how they are falling for each other...it's so awesome!

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on February 28, 2010
Last Updated on February 28, 2010


Author

Kaelyn Shea
Kaelyn Shea

Little Rock, AR



About
Pen Name: Serena Name: Kaelyn Shea Age: 18 Gender: Girl Sexual Orientation: bisexual. Too bad. Relationship status: Taken March 1, 2012 Piercings: Yes, double ear, cartilige, and belly button H.. more..

Writing
I lied I lied

A Story by Kaelyn Shea



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