Granny Assassin (full version)

Well, this version of the story makes more sense than the short version did.

Granny Assassin

It was about 3:45 P.M., and an elderly woman called Granny sat in her rocking chair on her front porch, watching wispy, white clouds drift by her beautiful Irish cottage. She felt the breeze on her face, and inside, she was smiling. Little did she know that day was going to be one of the most eventful of her life. 

The cottage she lived in was surrounded by  grass that was as green as any grass could be, blowing in the gentle breeze. There were green shrubs that wrapped around the front of her lawn, and they were slightly less green than the grass. Surrounding the shrubbery was a stone wall, that didn’t stretch quite as high as the plants. Leading up to her sea-green, wooden door was a stone path. At the beginning of the stone path, where the shrubs met it, was a sea-green picket gate that had a tendency of becoming unhinged. There were two sea-green windows in the front of the house, and the house itself was white. The roof was grey, and looked slightly as if it were made of bricks. Lining the bottom of the roof where it connected to the house itself was green ivy which was just budding with white blossoms, and it came and crawled down the house, well-trimmed and still giving the house a “clean” appearance. Granny loved that house, for she and her husband had built it together.

As Granny rocked in her chair, she thought about her glory days back when she wasn’t retired. You see, she looked like an ordinary granny. She short red hair with grey highlights covering her head, wrinkly, lightly-tanned skin, red, square glasses sitting slightly askew on her face, a light blue, frilly shirt, white capris, and red, flat shoes (only she had taken off the shoes to relax more). Plus, in her right hand (or near her right hand when she wasn’t using it), there was always a mahogany cane. But she was not an ordinary Granny. She was a retired assassin, who had a secret, hidden, underground base just below her home. In this secret base lived her best friend: a silenced M16 assault rifle that she had built herself.

Granny could’ve written a book about all the adventures she had gone on. Of course, her best adventures involved a tiny, furry dog: the Paranoid Chihuahua. She had spent nearly her whole thirty-five-year career searching for him. He had a devious plan to destroy the world,  and would give up at nothing to achieve this. Of course, Granny’s search became slightly more difficult when he was banished from Ireland (her home) for being too annoying, because he started to travel around the world instead of just in Ireland. Still, Granny had pursued him.  Once, she had captured her enemy’s secret base, forcing them to give up whatever information they had  about the Paranoid Chihuahua since they worked for him. However, the  Chihuahua soon learned of her attack, and quickly moved away from where he was hidden, destroying any evidence he had left there. That was the last time she learned anything about his whereabouts. 

Granny’s reverie was soon interrupted by a car pulling up in her driveway. It was an abnormal vehicle, because it was a Formula 1 race car. It was blue on the top, and white on the bottom, and was covered with stickers of the names of its sponsors. Granny had never seen on of these cars on the road, as they were obviously not street-legal, so she was extremely surprised to see it. She began to put on her shoes, putting on the left one first (she always put the left shoe on first). She stood up, making sure to grab her cane, and made her way down the front steps of her porch. She was about to knock on the window of the car, when suddenly she heard a voice.

“Hello, Ava,” the voice said. The first thing Granny noticed was that his accent was not Irish, so he was not from around town. 

“How do you know my name? People around here just call me Granny,” she replied, feeling both afraid that someone knew her name, and also annoyed that they were disturbing her.

“Because I’m a friend. I know who you are. You worked for the S.I.A.S.!” the voice said.

“What? I don’t know what that is,” Granny said.

“I know you do,” the voice replied, “Doesn’t the Secret Irish Assassin Society ring a bell?”

“Who are you?” Granny asked, her eyes narrowing. How could some stranger know so much about her?

“My name is Typhoon Ruby. I’m a Formula 1 race car. I need you to help me. I’m currently working for the S.I.A.S. myself, and I think you’re the only person that can help me.”

Granny, at that moment, was struck with shock. She had never heard of a talking car, and knew that it was impossible to even have such a thing. She stared at the car for a moment, and then looked at the driver’s seat, finally noticing that it was empty. There was no one there to talk for it, unless they were doing so by radio.

“All right, I believe you. For now,” Granny said.

“Good, because the Paranoid Chihuahua is back. He’s trying to rid the world of dentures!” Typhoon Ruby said.

When she heard the words “paranoid” and “chihuahua”, Granny nearly jumped up and screamed, but that would be odd for any person to do. Of course, because of the fact that the Paranoid Chihuahua was out to rid the world of dentures, she knew she must act quickly. She had many elderly friends that depended on their dentures every day, and she was one of them. She had to save them. But something inside her told her not to go, that something was not right with this idea. She decided to think about whether or not to go while questioning the car. 

“I don’t know if I trust you. After all, you are a talking car,” she announced to Typhoon Ruby.

“Um, I don’t think I should tell you everything right now. We’re in a bit of a hurry.” Typhoon Ruby replied reluctantly.

“Oh, come on. We need to build trust, don’t we? How come you can talk?” Granny pressed.

“Well, I was built that way,” the car explained. “I can fly, too, you know.”

“Oh, really?” Granny asked, reluctantly.

Before either of them spoke again, Typhoon Ruby began to hover off of the ground. Not three seconds later he was soaring around the sky. Then, he came back and landed perfectly on Granny’s driveway again.

“Do you believe me now?” Typhoon Ruby asked.

“Yes, as much as I ever will, I suppose,” Granny said, all doubt leaving her mind. 

“Come on, we have to go.” Typhoon Ruby said.

“Wait, I have to get my M16. I won’t go anywhere without it,” Granny replied.

Since Granny could tell Typhoon Ruby was about to protest (being in a terrible time crunch), she ran as fast as she could inside her house, entered her secret base, and grabbed her beloved rifle. Then she quickly made her way back outside where a quite anxious race car was relieved to see her.

“Okay. Let’s go.” Granny said, climbing into the driver’s seat of the car, “Where are we headed?”

“Well,” Typhoon Ruby said, “The Paranoid Chihuahua is hiding somewhere in Mexico, but we don’t know where, exactly.”

Granny thought for a moment, then said, “Chihuahua. Chihuahua, Mexico. Looks as if he hasn’t gotten any brighter since I last saw him, even for a paranoid person.”

“Good to have you back, Ava. None of us could have solved that on our own,” a voice said on the car radio. Granny recognized it almost immediately.

“Hey, Chief,” Granny said with a smile on her face. She hadn’t spoken to him in a long time. Nearly seventy-five years old, she hadn’t communicated with anyone from work in several years. 

As Granny spoke to the chief, Typhoon Ruby began flying. At first, Granny was a little nervous, but then she realized that the ride was smooth, like one you get in an airplane. She soon relaxed, and continued talking to her old friend, watching as the climate became colder. Typhoon Ruby had explained to her earlier that they were going to fly south to Antarctica to avoid any air traffic, then they would fly north to reach Mexico when it came time. 

Suddenly, they noticed something in the water. It was a seal, stranded on a block of ice, with a group of whales menacingly circling it. Soon, that seal would be lunch. Granny had never seen whales feeding before, and she thought it was pretty interesting, but she also saw the seal looking at her with its big, pearl-shaped eyes. It was a grey seal, with a white belly and a white snout, as well as some white specks on its back and tail area. It was pretty cute. 

“Wait! Typhoon Ruby, we should save that seal. It’s in trouble,” Granny said.

“Um, we probably shouldn’t. Just let it die,” Typhoon Ruby said, “It’s the circle of life, right?”

“No! Look at it! Come on,” Granny said, a little frustrated. The seal looked frightened, and lonely. 

Typhoon Ruby sighed, and remained quiet for about ten seconds, then said, “Fine.”

Typhoon Ruby turned around sharply, and swooped down so that Granny could grab the endangered seal. Granny, being a quite strong old woman, was able to pull the seal out of the water and place it in the passenger seat.

“There you go, buddy,” Granny said, patting the seal on the head (though the whole time she was wondering if that was strange to do to a seal).

“Thank you for helping me,” the seal said, “My name is... Phil.”

“Wait - you can talk, too?” Granny nearly shouted in her surprise. 

“Yes I can! I was raised by someone who understands both animals and people very well, and he was able to teach me how to talk,” Phil replied. 

“That’s interesting,” Granny said thoughtfully.

The three acquaintances rode in peace for awhile, quietly sorting out their ideas for a plan of action. Granny mostly thought about how proud her deceased husband would have been of her, going out on this adventure in her old age. Typhoon Ruby focused on getting to Chihuahua. And their new partner, Phil the seal, was thinking about almost nothing at all.

Suddenly, the chief called Granny on the radio, saying, “We’ve just received some new information about the Paranoid Chihuahua.”

“Go ahead,” Granny radioed back.

“We just got a tip from someone saying they saw a small chihuahua looking around and around, as if he were...” Chief paused for a moment, thinking of the right word.

“Paranoid,” Granny said, finishing the chief’s sentence, “He thinks that anyone could know who he is and follow him to his base.”

“Right. Anyway, so they were able to find his secret base, and all civilians have been alerted to stay out of the area, but none of them know why,” the chief explained.

“Okay, well, tell Typhoon Ruby where it is, and then he can take us there,” Granny replied.

“All right,” Chief said, “We can do that.”

“Goodbye, then,” Granny said, hanging up. She knew that they could easily transmit the information to Typhoon Ruby by sending it through the radio waves that were exclusive to secret agents and assassins.

“You guys are agents?” Phil asked in shock.

“Well, Typhoon Ruby may be, but I’m an assassin, and I have to ask you not to tell anyone, because it’s not something I want disclosed to the world,” Granny said.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m an agent as well, but I work for the Antarctic League of Special Operations - A.L.S.O. for short. I would never tell anyone,” Phil said, “If you need any help, I’d be glad to oblige.

“Thank you. We may just need your help,” Granny said. Right after she told him that, she told him some very small bits of information about the paranoid chihuahua.

A few minutes later, Typhoon Ruby announced that they had reached Chihuahua, Mexico, and they could all exit the vehicle. Granny and Phil climbed out and looked around. They were in a tiny marketplace, filled with people busily moving around. Granny was glad that Typhoon Ruby hadn’t landed on any of them, but she was also slightly amazed at how none of them seemed surprised to see a flying car land among their marketplace.

“All right, Typhoon Ruby, where do we go from here?” Granny asked.

“Well, now we can make our way towards that alley over there,” Typhoon Ruby replied, “Then, his secret base is hidden in the sewers.”

“Oh, great!” Granny cried, “That’s disgusting!”

“It’s not that bad,” Phil said, “Think about it: the chihuahua was probably being paranoid about getting dirty in the sewers, so there must be a drain or something that would let him get through more easily.” 

“Wow, I didn’t even think of that!” Typhoon Ruby said, “I was thinking I could call my friend Carmela - she’s a boat!”

“Well, let’s see if there’s some sort of drain or a secret passage of some sort there first,” Phil said.

The trio made their way down the alley, and soon found the entrance to the sewer. They climbed down a ladder that led to the sewers, where they found a rather large cavern-looking place that was dark, damp, and stinky. Luckily, Granny had a flashlight with her (which was strange, because she almost never carried her flashlight with her, and hadn’t even realized she brought it with her), and they were able to use it to look around. It was the eyes of Phil the seal (who didn’t need a flashlight, being very good at seeing in the dark) that found a hidden button that, when pressed, drained the sewers and revealed a hidden door. Granny bravely opened it and climbed down a second ladder, where she suddenly found herself in a large room that was completely square and flat, and made of concrete. In the middle of the room was a large pool that apparently led to the ocean, which was strange because the ocean was so far away. Granny suddenly realized something very important: the whales that had been attacking Phil were working for the Paranoid Chihuahua.

“We must be near to his lab. Of course, he would be very paranoid about hiding it, so it may not be easy,” Granny said. 

“Actually,” Phil said, “It looks as if his laboratory is below this trap door.”

Granny carefully opened the door (which, unlike the room, was not made of concrete, but looked like concrete), and went down her third ladder of the day, where she ended up in a secret laboratory. The lights were all out, except for a single desk lamp, and the desk that it was placed on was covered in papers with words hastily scrawled all over them.

“My, my, my. Look who’s aged,” a voice suddenly came from a corner of the room.

Suddenly, all the lights came on, unveiling a wall practically covered head-to-toe in computers, and on each of the screens there were either pictures of his evil, denture-destroying plans, or of surveillance cameras. And in a chair placed in front of all those computers sat a tiny dog with big, black eyes bulging out of its face. It was light brown with white paws, a white stomach, and a white tip on its tail. 

“Cut the chit chat, chihuahua,” Granny said, “You’re not going to destroy any dentures today, or ever!”

“Really? Are you so sure about that?” the chihuahua said with a smirk. 

“Oh, you bet I am. I have two people here that will back me up on that,” Granny said.

“Actually,” someone behind her said, “You only have one person to back you up.”

Granny spun around to see Phil the seal speaking to her. When he completed his sentence, he quickly flopped over to his leader, who just so happened to be a tiny, tan chihuahua. 

“Phil? But I saved your life! You said you worked for A.L.S.O.!” Granny said in shock.

“Ahahaha!” Phil laughed but began to choke, so he stopped. His face became very serious. “A.L.S.O. doesn’t exist! Don’t you know? There’s practically no one living in Antarctica, so there could never even possibly be an assassin society there! I’m surprised you’re so gullible for someone who seemed so smart It looks as if you are going to lose this time, oldie.”

Before Granny (or Typhoon Ruby, for that matter) could react, the Paranoid Chihuahua sent a fleet of evil robot terriers after them. Most of them looked like chihuahuas, and all of them barked in the way that a chihuahua would, but with a much more robotic sound to them. The tiny robot dogs began to nip at Granny’s heels and Typhoon Ruby’s tires. Granny tried to use her cane to beat them away, but it only deterred them slightly. Instead, she took out her precious M16 and began to shoot them. This plan worked. Typhoon Ruby began to run them over. Soon, the floor was covered in nuts, bolts, and sheet metal. Granny grinned triumphantly at her foe, making sure to show off her dentures. 

“Ha! Granny, did you really think they were my only means of defense? You do realize I am paranoid, so I always have a backup plan. Sometimes, I have two backup plans. Or three. Also, I have three other secret bases, but that’s another story,” the chihuahua said. “Anyway, Grandma, prepare to meet my worst weapon yet. Phil, though I don’t completely trust you,  release the super-strong, single-minded, super-intelligent robot panda!” 

Phil flopped over to a lever and pulled it. Suddenly, a giant door was pulled up, and a giant, super-strong, single-minded, super-intelligent robot panda exited. It growled at the dynamic duo, and then started to approach them. It was very surprisingly fast for a robot, and came to them at alarming speed. However, Phil and the Paranoid Chihuahua seemed to find the whole situation very funny, and were so busy laughing they weren’t even paying attention to the battle that was about to unfold. Granny, with her keen eye, was not slow to realize this.

“Quick! Typhoon Ruby! Handle the robot! I’ll go after Phil and the chihuahua!” Granny whispered to the car. 

“Got it!” Typhoon Ruby replied.

Granny made her way over to the chihuahua when suddenly there was a rumbling sound coming from underground. A large group of whales came out of the hole in the next room, and quickly made their way into the laboratory. Phil immediately tried to flop for cover, but the whales noticed him and knew where he had gone. One of them used his giant flippers to pull Phil out of his cover.

“Phil! So good to see you again,” one of the whales said.

“Yes, we’re still hungry,” another whale said.

“Hang on, hang on! Seriously guys! I never did anything to you!” Phil said, losing all of whatever toughness he had possessed. “Please - look at that old woman over there! She attacked you, didn’t she? She’s the one you’re looking for! Please!”

“The only difference between you and that old woman,” the first whale growled, “is that she is on our side, and you aren’t.”

“Wait! Please be reasonable!” Phil cried.

“Reasonable? Because of you, six other whales died. We’re done being reasonable,” a third whale said.

Before Phil could plead any longer, the first whale grabbed him by the tail, dragged him back to the hole, and dove in. Phil was never seen or heard from again. Of course, Granny felt a little sympathetic, but there was another matter at hand. 

“Ooh... I guess it’s two against two,” a now-angry chihuahua said between gritted teeth. He was tired of losing the fight.

“I guess it is. In that case, you’d better-” Granny said, but a yell interrupted her sentence.

“Two versus one!” Typhoon Ruby said. As it turns out, his headlights were really missiles, and he used them to take out the super-strong, single-minded, super-intelligent robot panda, which was now just a pile of ash sitting on the floor. 

“Well, it looks like your at the end of your line, fiend!” Granny said.

“Okay! I surrender!” the Paranoid Chihuahua screeched with a very annoying, yelp-sounding bark (being a chihuahua, this should make sense to most people). 

“I don’t take surrendering for an answer, I’m an assassin! Retired, of course,” Granny said.

Granny took her cane, and tried to knock the chihuahua unconscious, but the tiny dog was yapping and running around his desk so quickly that her old bones couldn’t possibly keep up with him. Then she had a new idea. The chihuahua was now hiding behind a globe, thinking he was safe, as Granny crept up behind him...

...You probably know the rest.

After the Paranoid Chihuahua had been defeated, Granny was able to permanently retire with no more “interruptions”. She was proud to finally be able to say she had completed all of her life’s goals and eliminated her arch-enemy.

The End

Epilogue: Six years after the incident, Granny died peacefully at 12:16 A.M. in her Irish cottage. Typhoon Ruby lived on to win four more Formula 1 races, and then he retired in a museum for secret agent’s automobiles, where he still lives happily today. Everyone else in the world was safe from harm... at least, temporarily.

Author's Note

Okay, keep in mind this is a story written for my language arts class. I got a really high grade, if anyone cares. :P Anyway, I know it's a pretty weird story, but I hope you like it.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining tale. Grandma held my attention and she was a strong lady. I liked the story of travel and adventures. Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

[Lady Celery]

Thank you! It's been such a long time since I've read this one, it makes me miss being 14. I had such a wacky imagination!

[Coyote Poetry]

Good to be young/fearless and you are welcome.

[Franklin...]

I smiled the whole way through this. It has a certain whimsical humor that encourages you to completely suspend disbelief and just go with it. The descriptions of Granny and her home were very well done. Thanks for sharing, it's quite the tale.

[Kira]

Wow, if only my English teacher assigned projects like this one. We don't really do much writing. Anyway, it was hilarious and has everything: old people, dogs, paranoid super-villains, double-crossing seals, talking cars, and super-strong, single-minded, super-intelligent robot pandas. Now, I'm going to read the short version.

[Addie]

Haha! This is great! I can totally picture Betty White playing Granny in a movie. I see why you got a good grade on this. Good write! =)

[Sam Cambell]

This was really weird, crazy, and funny, therefore I liked it. Where on earth did you come up with this idea???

[Jong Schrijver]

This story was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved it and thought it was funny and well written and had some good action and it was just amazing. Great job and congrats on placing first in my contest! Again this was amazing! Keep Writing:)

[Kanattas Atir Enomo]

great job julia. you far surpassed what i thought was going to be a little story. great imagery and detail. i couldn't find many, if any grammatical mistakes, but if you wrote that for Mrs.Maestas, i don't think there'd be any. haha. well this was a funny story the first time and i think that by lengthening it, you really added an extra level to it. really good job, buddy.

[Kevin]

Wow you weren't lying about this being weird. It was really a fun read though. I loved the bouncey pace you set, and the interaction between, animal, human, and machine. With the seal flipping sides, it introduced a nice twist in the plot that wasn't expected. I also enjoyed your descriptions, and imagery.

[Lady Celery]

By the way, my friends hated reviewing this story because when printed out it's seven pages long (but in school it was double spaced, making it twelve pages total; the last page was full to the very last line, no joke). Anyway, the point of my completely uninteresting story is that you don't have to review it if you don't want to read it! :)