Lack of Color

The film Imitation of Life inspired me to write this.

White all around me,

it’s all I see, all I want to be

The beautiful girls with porcelain skin,

blonde hair, blue eyes

I want to join them, belong

Sit with them at lunch,

sharing gossip, giggling when the boys pass by

Join them at Rollie’s, sipping milkshakes

Wearing the boys’ letter jackets, go to the football games

cheering for the home team, pom poms in our palms

But the person looking back at me in the mirror will never fit in

never belong

 

I blend in with the shadows while they melt into the clouds

They’re vanilla, I’m chocolate

just as sweet

and just as sinful

Instead of pearlescent I’m the color of dirt

I hate it, can’t stand it

I want to take an eraser to my skin,

rub away the darker tones until it’s the same shiny pink as theirs

The face reflected back at me practices those pretty smiles,

the coy looks they use to attract the boys

twirling a curl with one finger

The image looks fake, false,

wrong

No matter how hard I try, it will never be the same

I’ll never match their beauty, never live in their world

I’m forced to tread a lower path,

always beneath them, looking up longingly

I want to build a ladder,

to force my way to their level,

break through the barrier

but the image in the mirror reminds me

that this can never be

Even if I change everything inside,

the outside will always hold me back

I can never change my place, be where I want to be

I’ll always be on the outside, forever looking in

 

Longing for that lack of color

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I had to read this, knowing that your inspiration was the movie, "Imitation of Life." I love, love, love the movie; and when Mahalia Jackson sings "Troubles of This World" at the end, I always cry. God! What a movie!

Having said this, part of me wants the poem to be inspirational, to be positive, to lift the reader to new heights of delight. On the other hand, however, the intonation of your poem is more appropriate: sullen, depressive, dark, and negative. I think you did a fairly good job of capturing the emotions of the film from the perspective of Sarah Jane.

It's sort of unfair to write a review of your poem when it vividly brings to memory the film itself.

I particularly loved the following line:

"I blend in with the shadows while they melt into the clouds"

Beautiful! Just beautiful!